Queen Mary of Denmark's tightly controlled public image has been branded a potential "weak point" by Spanish protocol and etiquette expert María José Gómez Verdú, prompting a sharp rebuttal from Australian etiquette expert and royal commentator Jo Hayes.
Gómez Verdú, speaking to the Spanish publication Lecturas, argued that the composure which has made Mary such a formidable royal representative could also work against her by making her seem emotionally distant. "The perfect character that makes her so solid can also be her weakest point," she said.
Mary has spent more than two decades in the Danish royal family and is widely regarded as a polished, dependable royal who rarely lets public emotion overwhelm her. Gómez Verdú suggested that this demeanour risked being interpreted as emotional distance, and warned that showing more of her human side may become increasingly necessary.
Hayes, founder of EtiquetteExpert.Org and a royal commentator with postgraduate research in modern etiquette, firmly disagrees. "It is this 'self-control' that is the very thing that has stood Mary in good stead for the entirety of her royal career, and will continue to do so for the rest of her life," she told the Daily Mail.
The Casanova photographs
Royal watchers often point to one of the most intensely scrutinised periods of Mary's marriage as evidence of her poise. In late 2023, photographs emerged of then-Crown Prince Frederik in Madrid with Mexican socialite Genoveva Casanova, prompting widespread speculation. Casanova denied any romantic involvement, and Mary continued her public engagements throughout the media storm without addressing the rumours.
To Gómez Verdú, that restraint demonstrated both Mary's strength and a potential problem: an impeccably controlled royal risks appearing inaccessible. Royals now operate in an era where every appearance is dissected on social media and audiences expect public figures to be "authentic" and "relatable," yet Mary belongs to an institution where revealing too much has historically caused more trouble than revealing too little.
'Restraint is a key word'
Hayes maintains that emotional discipline is central to royal life. "'Restraint' is a key word in the official 'training' of any royal. Restraint of speech, restraint of emotions - specifically in the public eye," she said.
She explained that letting off steam in private is essential for royals, but that public displays of emotion would only invite scandal. Hayes cited the British royal family's maxim, "never complain, never explain." "I would add one more word to this, for any royal: 'Don't complain, don't explain, don't exclaim,'" she said. "Can you imagine? The papers would go into an absolute frenzy if Mary were photographed leaving the palace in tears."
A queen, not an influencer
Hayes argues there is a crucial distinction between an influencer or celebrity cultivating relatability and a monarch representing a nation. "Nations want and need their regents to be calm and 'in control'. Especially in times of war, global uncertainty and social unrest. It gives citizens a sense of order and assurance," she said.
She pointed to Queen Elizabeth II as the ultimate example of composure throughout decades of adversity, a tradition she said has been followed by King Charles III. "Mary's self-control has helped keep the Danish monarchy - and, no doubt, her family - on a steady even keel in the midst of what is, undoubtedly, a life with considerable pressure," she said.
'She doesn't come across as emotionally distant'
Hayes also dismissed the idea that Mary's composure stops the public from seeing her warmth. "She doesn't come across as emotionally distant - but rather as someone in control of her emotions. That's a trait that ought to be applauded," she said.
Mary was a Tasmanian marketing executive when she met the then Crown Prince Frederik in a Sydney pub, a meeting that eventually led to her becoming Queen of Denmark after adapting to a new institution, a new language and a new country. That journey, Hayes said, required learning when to speak, when to react and when to reveal nothing at all.
The contrasting assessments of Mary's public behaviour point to a difficult balancing act facing modern royal women: appear too controlled and risk being called cold, or reveal too much and risk being accused of lacking dignity.
"Despite what this Spanish etiquette expert says, Mary's calm, composed demeanour is befitting of a royal - especially a Queen," Hayes concluded. "She is well-liked among the other European royals - and her own people, the Danes, absolutely love her. And so do her 'first' people - us Aussies."
