Tips for resuming your love life after a divorce or widowhood

The following are sayings that are widely heard and repeated in our midst: ‘a nail pulls out another nail’, ‘a king dead, a king set’, referring to the fact that, according to these popular verses, the best decision after suffering a loss is to replace it immediately, to find someone to ‘fill’ that place. But according to the clinical psychologist Sonnia Navas Gafterit would be inadvisable to do so if the previous stage was not closed healthily.

How will you know when you are ready to resume your love life? One of the signs, says Navas, is that he feels like transforming his house, his work area. “He already has the spirit to meet friends, family members, when feel that you can appreciate or have affection without ever feeling guilt or painThat is the consequence of a good duel”, he specifies.

And although the specialist recommends taking the time that each person considers necessary, she also warns that when you decide to go out with someone you should not give explanations or ask for permission.

“It is complicated and difficult in societies like ours, which are very closed and are rooted in the customs of the 19th or 20th century, however, if you want to avoid comments, it is best to maintain a certain discretion and prudence and that only the closest or dearest people can know if you are going out with someone or not“, advise. “From experience as a psychologist I know that always there will be people who will be in favor of the new relationship and people who think that it is wrong”. It is best not to give too much information to those who do not need it and thus prevent them from trying to invade your life with a certain aggressiveness in the form of comments or criticism.

It also warns take honesty as a flag in the new relationship. “Of course we cannot give you an exhaustive review of our lives, but we can tell you the most important thing: if there are children, their ages, their area of ​​work, a bit of personal and family life, and if you are not yet ready for a serious commitment, also say so”Navas highlights. “The worst thing that can be done when you have gotten out of a divorce or widowhood is to lie to the new person because it generates problems in the short, medium and long term.”.

The basic kit to start over

It’s time to relearn to relate to each other beyond the screen, the favorite social media of these years of pandemic. “Above all, due to the season we are experiencing; Starting in October of last year and at the end of January of this year, which was the last wave of infections, the increase in intimate and quick sexual encounters has increased by 30%,” reports clinical psychologist and sexologist Rodolfo Rodríguez.

The modality to get a casual partner has also changed, as revealed in the psychological consultation. “Before, to find a partner, you used to go to a nightclub. Now you go to a gym. It became the favorite place, because people wanted to exercise, get back in shape, Yboom!, This is how the sexual market is moving”.

Faced with this reality, the psychologist speaks of a basic emotional kit to restart sentimental life in a safe, responsible and pleasant way.

The process begins with grief. Whatever the reason you lost a partner, you will go through crisis, denial, anger, depression, acceptance, and learning. “When you get out of a relationship, you need to work on that mourning, and let go, because if you stay attached to a couple, seeing their photos on your cell phone, that doesn’t let you move forward. You have to learn to let go,” advises Rodríguez.

Then you have to learn to love again, which begins with self-love, self-esteem, grooming, dressing, changing clothes and scenarios. “Many times people wait for someone else to come and tell them: ‘I’m going to take care of you, I’m going to get you ahead.’ Nobody can help someone they don’t want to.”

And the following is a ‘update’ in the softwarein the way of thinking, in their tastes and preferences, so that they live their sexuality in a safe, responsible and pleasant way. “With that we reduce fears, fears and ensure that the person is happy and continues to move forward.”

Reactivate love life: What I want and what I deserve

This issue has expanded two years after the pandemic, explains the clinical psychologist and sexologist Rodolfo Rodriguez. Separated, divorced or widowed people (something that was accentuated by COVID-19) and who want to resume their love life. With the new realities, people have experimented through social networks to “match”, to look for sex, to find a ‘serious’ partner or just to date.

But there is a downside to this, Rodriguez says. “What do apps sell you?? Well, the search for a person according to your interests, your affinities, what catches your attention, what attracts you”. There would be nothing wrong with this if it weren’t for the fact that, in looking for someone else, we forget ourselves.

Specialists in sexology and couples therapy have a message for these cases. “Focus on yourself first, attend to your needs; know what you want and what you deserve”, says Rodríguez, who then proposes an exercise called ‘I want and I deserve’.

How do you play this? You, guided by the therapist, learn to do an introspection of what you really want (your likes, your interests) versus what you deserve from a partner, what you are willing to give and what you want to receive in return. “That’s where the subject, regardless of their gender and age, says: I can’t be with just anyone, I have to know how to choose.”

So find yourself know how your sexuality and attraction works and know what you are willing to offer and what you want to receive. With that equipment, says the psychologist, there is a good start and the healthiest way to restart in the romantic scene.

How to tell the children

Navas Gafter recommends talk to them according to their age, especially if they are adolescents, parents must take the necessary measures to prevent them from feeling abandonedeven if they are divorced. “Adolescents are much more impacted by change or loss and you have to accompany them because the feeling of abandonment is something terrible, it leaves people very marked’‘, precise. In the case of having adult children, then you can speak with them frankly and explain the reasons why the divorce took place and why the separation occurred.

Is there a limit number of marriages? The specialist says that it is a difficult decision to judge. “I have seen it as a professional several times because a person gets married at 20, excited, in love, and a divorce comes; then they remarry at 35, and a relationship can also fail and, sometimes, even at 50 or 60 they remarry, but I would not dare to say if that is wrong or right, ”she highlights . “It is a product that the average life has been extended today. And I also believe that there are people who have had three marriages because they have lived through three different stages of their lives.”.

Placing limits on what they will say

It is impossible to be guided by public opinion, but there are opinions that do matter: those of the support network. A father, a mother, a best friend, a brother. But giving an opinion is not the same as deciding for the other. “I can ask for a suggestion, accept a recommendation or listen to someone who has more experience than me,” says Rodolfo Rodríguez. But handle this with caution and set limits. “If you are of legal age, the fewer people who want to intervene or directly influence your love life, the better.”

A limit that must be well marked is the information about one’s own sexuality. “This is like underwear, we think we all have it, but we have no interest in seeing it, except in the couple; the less they know, the less they get involved, the better”, because if not, everyone who has access to that information will feel entitled to an opinion, “and it will no longer be a relationship of two”.