Jane Green, an international bestselling author who writes an agony aunt column, has addressed two readers this week: a man anxious about his girlfriend's birthday bedroom request and a divorced mother troubled by her ex-husband's new partner's behavior toward their daughters.
Birthday anxiety
A reader signing as "Birthday Blues" wrote that his girlfriend, who is turning 30, told him she wanted no gifts. Instead she described a sexual fantasy she wanted fulfilled on her birthday, something the writer called "rather extreme."
"I wouldn't necessarily call myself a 'vanilla' guy, it's a bit too much for me," he said, adding that he was not sure he could even follow through. He agreed anyway because she seemed so excited, but said he was growing nervous as her birthday approached and wanted to back out without ruining her day.
Green acknowledged that what one person calls extreme may be "entirely normal for others" and drew a distinction between nervousness and deeper aversion. "Being nervous is to be expected with something you haven't tried before," she wrote. "But being nervous is not the same as being repulsed, or turned off, or unwilling."
She noted that long-term couples can fall into routine and that mutually consented novelty "can spice things up," suggesting the man might be "pleasantly surprised." But she was clear that genuine discomfort changes the calculation entirely.
"Tell your girlfriend that you love her and want very much to make her happy, but going through with her request makes you very nervous and uncomfortable," Green advised, recommending he propose a compromise that stretches his comfort zone less severely.
The 'Mom #2' dispute
A second letter, signed "Protective Mom," described a problem with her ex-husband's girlfriend, who moved into his home after less than a year of dating. The reader and her ex have two daughters, both under ten, who split their time between the two households. Their previously amicable co-parenting relationship had recently deteriorated since the girlfriend arrived.
The girlfriend had been asking the girls to call her "Mom #2" and giving them gifts to win their favor. When the reader raised it with her ex, he called her "jealous" and "territorial," saying his girlfriend was simply trying to bond with the children.
Green sympathized but urged acceptance. "There is nothing harder than losing your children, even part-time, in a divorce," she wrote, before noting that a parent cannot control what happens inside a former partner's home.
She put the situation in perspective by contrasting it with worse outcomes. "I hear so many stories about awful stepmothers, women who treat their stepchildren horribly, making it quite clear how unwelcome they are."
She told the reader that a biological bond cannot be displaced by gifts. "You are their mother, and the most expensive gifts in the world cannot change that. She may be asking to be called mom number two, but you will always be number one."
Green urged the reader to "trust in your role and responsibilities as their mother" and to distance herself from what takes place in her former husband's household.
