Christmas Eve coming outs, or should we talk about our identity, planned IVF, or divorce over borscht?

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Aga Kozak: Some of my friends will be going home from abroad for Christmas. It sometimes happens that this is their only – apart from Easter – visit to their family. And they have, for example, to announce that they are getting divorced, that they will not be able to have children, so it is only possible in vitro, there are also those who are coming out …

Małgorzata Borowska *: It’s interesting that they choose Christmas Eve. Perhaps what matters to them is to do it in person.

Of course, I am very close to being truthful, speaking directly, but I would not choose myself – in situations when I have something important or difficult to communicate to my family – for this occasion of Christmas.

Even if it really was the only visit home for a year and I would travel from abroad.

Christmas dinner foot. Shutterstock

Why?

Out of tenderness for the readers of this interview, I will say: so that they can protect themselves. In this “to talk or not to talk during the holidays” dilemma, two values ​​conflict with each other: being fully yourself and protecting yourself. And I would choose the latter – especially in a situation where I know that the message I have to convey may be the subject of a dispute or assessment, and not unconditional support. The lucky ones who expect support – talk to them!

I would have called before with the message you are asking about – to release the tension from the situation and prepare the ground for a more operationalized conversation.

That is?

One in which I have a chance to get what I am asking for: to talk about what it means for me, to help me move to Poland after my divorce.

If I was preparing for an important family conversation, I would think – what do I want to get in it. What does this matter mean for Christmas Eve dinner parties? How can they help me? What do I ask them for?

I would do everything earlier than Christmas, also out of concern that the people to whom we announce it would not have to manage their surprise in the fuss over the borscht. It just sounds like creating a super voltage situation for both sides.

I understand that we are used to important Christmas announcements, but let it be the joyful ones: marriage proposal, engagement, child in the family – it is easier to swallow with a croissant.

What will this phone made earlier do?

As I said, he will release the first pressure. The other side will give the opportunity to “brush their thoughts”, reflect on what we said, and the opportunity to prepare a supportive answer – because not all of us have such answers at the first reflex. Especially surprised.

Remember that holidays – so idealized in commercials or movies – are a tense situation.

Bo?

Everyone enters them usually with expectations and an idea of ​​what it should be like. And they often differ from each other. Because, for example, how do I imagine holidays? That I will read books that have been “waiting for their turn” for a year and that I will breathe a breath from talking. How does my mother imagine them? That we will spend them in constant conversation.

I imagine that in many homes there is a ritual clash between the need for ease and tradition: the holiday “house must shine” fights with “let’s sit at the poppy seed cake”. And that generates enough tension to be managed. Let’s not add any more.

In recent years, in order to “manage my expectations” a bit, I have learned to call and ask who is expecting what from holidays or joint trips. If it is not agreed on in advance with family or friends, everyone will design something. And if others do not join their plan, it will be frustration that may end in different ways …

So you ask if there will be borscht and festive clothes for Christmas – because I will be happy to test the dress – do we spend this time in pajamas playing board games and movies? Are we going cross-country skiing, sauna, museum or church? Should it be mushroom or fish and do we make gingerbread beforehand? Maybe I can buy them or help make them? Sounds like a great way to expect – I’m stealing it from you! It’s making space for yourself. If we discuss it earlier – we will have the space to get angry with something, come to terms with it, respond to it, and even disagree and negotiate.

It helps me to get rid of the illusion that Christmas suspends what unites us and divides us every day – that when I get annoyed with comments about “I work too much”, I will suddenly stop irritating during Christmas.

So a realistic approach?

Yes! In fact, a large part of the holidays is planning – for example who is going to whom this year, what he brings – I see no reason why you shouldn’t talk about what we want to do together.

For the past fifteen years I have been spending every second Christmas at my sister’s in Ireland and this distance means that a lot needs to be discussed: when is the arrival or the dumplings also have to fly, this year we make gifts for ourselves this year, or we donate money for some good cause. Why not throw in emotional logistics as well?

Talking about expectations, but also about fear, what can go wrong?

Christmas Eve foot. Shutterstock

Because something could go wrong! Even if we prepare ourselves to tell our news another day, or if we do not raise painful topics, there may be a family war over the borscht.

And let’s agree: we are rather able to predict it.

We know our relatives well enough to know where the trouble spots are and where the conflict of interest is. Thinking “we will not argue about it during holidays, because it is Christmas” we can, I think, have a good ride.

I like to think that for a good conversation you need savings in your emotional account. Psychologist Stephen Covey writes about it.

Known for the world bestseller “Seven habits of effective action” …

… and “The Seven Habits of a Happy Family”. In this book, he writes that we have emotional accounts with important people – and they with us – to which we can make deposits and withdrawals, like in a bank – and that the balance of this account translates into the quality of our relationships with others.

That is?

When I ask at workshops about what is a payment to their emotional account for people, they immediately mention: attention, time for a conversation, the question “how are you?”, Thanks, appreciation, apologies, doing something, offering help, telephone at an important moment, birthday wishes.

These may be small payments or a large investment, but they make us trust each other in our relationship.

And the payouts?

A large overdraft is, for example, a lie in an important matter. Smaller but very important: criticism, sarcasm, judgment, unwanted advice, missed phone calls.

I know this concept sounds transactional, but it’s very useful. It helps me to invest in important relationships and check if I am not “overdue” with someone. This is usually due to regular payments – being in good and kind contact with each other. Throughout the year.

I am talking about an emotional account also because spending Christmas Eve with myself will not be a magical payment, which will reset the overdraft for people to whom we have not spoken for a year, and as we recently contacted, with the information that buying this plot outside the city was terrible idea.

You too. If, for example, my mother “debates” without asking about my family life at all, to my worry that I will probably be parting with my husband, she replies “in our family there has never been a divorce” – then there is nothing to expect, that on the Christmas news of the breakup he will suddenly say “my daughter, I imagine what a difficult decision it was for you” – just because it is Christmas. She would have to eat enchanted borscht!

For many years, there have been more and more topics that divide, and the “sharply” one …

This year, we can add vaccinations to this list. I assume that “Christmas Eve squads” may look different this year and that this division will break many tables in half.

I am a supporter of defrosting the formula of holidays and negotiating such a form that will celebrate actual closeness and satisfy actual needs, i.e. holidays in the Bieszczady Mountains, holidays with friends, holidays in a favorite composition, holidays with delicatessen dumplings.

There is a way to tackle difficult topics at the table? The dividing ones?

One, iconoclastic, I have just revealed: not to meet with those who have badly debated with us. If it fails – make an appointment in advance what topics will not be discussed at the table. It will make this Christmas Eve survivable and it can even be nice!

Christmas dinner foot. Shutterstock

What if an argument does happen? What to do?

Give ourselves the right to any response we need, for example to end this situation. Say “don’t talk to me like that”, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Generally speaking, I would like to invite you to co-host the holidays, even if we are hosts. And assume that it is not a few days in which “magic happens” and animals speak with a human voice, but only a few days, the course and climate of which we can co-create.

* Małgorzata Borowska – a leading consultant at House of Skills, she has 17 years of experience in development programs for managers of business, public sector and non-governmental organizations. She worked in dispersed, intercultural management and project teams, incl. in Dushanbe, Tbilisi and Kabul. For years associated with several nationwide non-profit organizations – Klon / Jawor Association, School for Leaders Foundation and Anti-Discrimination Education Society. For a year and a half, she also supported directors and library directors in programs to develop her leadership and advocacy skills. In 2014, as a leader of a social movement, she successfully negotiated the so-called the benefit act.