At the beginning of her acquaintance with Marek, she did not notice his problem. He camouflaged himself well

Obsessive jealousy

Obsessive jealousy will destroy even the most durable relationship. This is a state in which the partner is so convinced of the other person’s infidelity that he does not accept rational arguments to the contrary. In fact, he becomes even more suspicious and poisons the lives of himself and his other half.

Paulina found out how toxic the behavior of a person with jealousy problems can be. She had been dating Mark for about a year. This period of acquaintance is usually very satisfying for people. Paulina, on the other hand, was already at the end of her strength. She was fed up with Mark’s constant control. She felt he was isolating her and trying to manipulate her. Even though she gave him no reason to be jealous, his obsession deepened. Finally, Paulina went to therapy because she had no idea how to deal with his difficult emotions. She felt helpless and condemned to this situation.

At one of the first sessions she appeared in a very bad condition. She wore a black turtleneck and loose black jeans. She wore no make-up, which only highlighted the dark circles under her eyes, and her hair was tied in a ponytail. It seemed strange to me, because at the beginning she emphasized that she attached great importance to her appearance. Plus, in an earlier shoot, I saw her wearing full makeup and a floral dress. My intuition told me that something must have happened in her relationship if she decided to dress like that.

“I can’t cope with this any longer. I don’t know how I could find myself in such a relationship…” she began our conversation. This time Marek came up with the idea that she liked a colleague from work.

He told me yesterday that I was flirting with him and that I would probably prefer him as a partner. We argued because it was obviously not true. I have neutral relations with everyone at work. I care about Mark. Besides, I have my own rules and I don’t cheat. But he got so excited that he couldn’t stop talking about it.

He announced that he would come to Paulina’s work to talk to him. At the end, he got offended and went to sleep on the couch, and Paulina didn’t sleep all night because of her nerves, and today she took a leave of absence on request. “I just came to see you for a session. I decided that for peace of mind I won’t put on make-up or dress too elegantly for work. Maybe then she will calm down and stop creating wild stories.”

I sensed that Paulina was very nervous. Her eyes darted around. She couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying to me, as if she was wondering what she should do to make Marek stop being angry with her. It was absurd because she had nothing to reproach herself with.

A toxic partner uses various manipulation techniques. Taking offense is one of them. He wants to gain control over the victim this way. He becomes silent and makes the other person more and more confused and guilty by the hour, and when he starts speaking again, he is grateful and relieved. This is how addiction to a toxic relationship is created.

Jealousy is an emotion that appears regardless of our will. Patients feel great discomfort when they have to talk about it during a session. They keep it a secret for a long time because many people think it is a sign of weakness. So I explain that jealousy itself is necessary and completely normal. Evolution gave us it on purpose to protect our relationships. It allows you to spot disturbing signals and prevent infidelity, which I wrote about in the previous chapter. In a moderate dose, it can add spice to the relationship. If its level is similar in both partners, it increases mutual interest, care, tenderness and brings positive effects. If one of the partners feels it too intensely, it is a signal that something disturbing may be happening in the relationship. In France, the word la jalousie, or “jealousy”, is also used to describe blinds. This is a good combination, because too much jealousy can obscure the true image of your partner and the relationship. It makes us imagine romances and betrayals that never happened.

At the beginning of her acquaintance with Marek, Paulina did not notice his problem. The man disguised himself well – he knew what to say and do to make her fall into his trap. And Paulina liked everything about it. He treated her like a princess. He was happy to help with everyday matters. He selflessly performed minor repairs at home, refueled the car, prepared dinners, and did grocery shopping. And most importantly: he listened carefully to her problems. He didn’t downplay her issues. Paulina couldn’t believe her luck. When she compared him with her previous partner, she wondered how she could stay in that relationship for so long.

In the first stage of falling in love, most people want to spend a lot of time together and do various small favors for each other. It is natural that there is great mutual interest. However, Mark’s behavior was too intense. He did everything to please. He wrote a lot of messages and assured that he couldn’t focus on anything because he only thought about Paulina. He wanted to spend every free moment with her. There was a lot of him in her life and he wrapped himself around her like ivy. It was as if he had nothing and no one else but her. It was disturbing.

If the outpouring of emotion at the beginning of a relationship is too intense, you need to slow down and see what happens next. Paulina ignored the disturbing signals that Marek was sending. At that time, she was freshly separated, completely defenseless and her assessment of reality was not objective. Marek, who was interested in her, seemed to her like Prince Charming. She felt that something would finally work out in her life. She hoped that he would help her forget about her difficult past and get her out of her problems. Nothing could be further from the truth. Everything he did was to subjugate her – and that meant she would feel even worse about herself.

Already in the first months of their relationship, Marek began to draw her attention to the way she dressed. He sarcastically pointed out that people might think he was looking for opportunities in the city. When she came home from work, he sniffed her, asking if she was doing anything with anyone. At first, Paulina tried to turn it into a joke, because Marek’s excessive interest somehow flattered her.

Paulina has practically always been a very insecure person. Her negative thoughts about herself made her constantly explain Mark to herself. She told herself that she might not get a better match, and his behavior shows that he must care very much.

Over time, Marek’s occasional outbursts of jealousy became a daily occurrence. Paulina was afraid that their relationship would fall apart, so she couldn’t set boundaries for him. She agreed to his behavior and tried to comply, hoping that the situation would improve.

I explained to her that such behavior had a negative impact on her and did not help her at all, but no rational arguments reached her. It was hard for her to understand that Mark’s jealousy was not related to her behavior, but resulted from his personal problems. When I tried to show her that it was up to her how she would be treated in the relationship, she got upset with me. She said I didn’t understand how afraid he was that she would hurt him. I know this pattern of behavior very well. So I knew she was being manipulated by him. She got used to Marek making trouble and checking her out. She started treating it as part of her life. She adapted to his requirements. The partner told Paulina that if she did what he wanted and did not give him reasons to be jealous, everything would be fine between them. It wasn’t true. His list of expectations was endless. When one issue was met, another one appeared. Paulina didn’t know what to do anymore. In a stable relationship, such situations do not happen. Everyone should have their own personal space to which the other person has no access. This allows you to maintain your independence. If we feel our value and take care to have our own life outside the relationship, we remain attractive to our other half much longer than a subordinate partner. A relationship built on jealousy will never be a quality relationship. It’s hard to be close to someone without trusting them.

Mark’s problem escalated. He asked Paulina to provide him with a detailed list of partners she had previously met. When she refused to do so, he accused her of apparently having something to hide. He became offended and stopped talking to her. Silent treatment, i.e. punishing with silence, is a manifestation of manipulation in a relationship. It is intended to give the perpetrator an advantage and force the other party to submit.

Under pressure that she could not bear, Paulina began to tell Marek about intimate facts from her life. She was afraid of being abandoned, so she didn’t think about the consequences of her behavior. It was only after the fact that she began to regret it. Marek used all the information against her. He regularly reminded her of her former partners, accusing her that if she had the opportunity, she would probably go back to one of them. He compared himself to them. When she didn’t want to have sex with him, he asked if it was because he was a worse lover than her ex.

Sharing intimate information from the past will not bring anything good to the relationship. On the contrary, it may increase intrusive thoughts about betrayal. And the sources of these anxious thoughts may be low self-esteem and fear of loneliness. Marek couldn’t talk about being afraid of rejection. Paulina, on the other hand, was unable to stand up to him when he attacked her.

Eventually, the partner started checking Paulina’s phone regularly. He said that he had to check whether one of her former partners was accidentally talking to her, that he was doing it for her good. She didn’t want to start unnecessary fights, so she agreed to it. When she noticed that he had blocked several of her friends on social media, she started hiding her phone to limit his access to it.

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