Valentine’s Day: what is “hardballing”, the new trend of generation Z to start romantic relationships

We all know that on a dating app people are looking for someone. But looking for what exactly? That question can have very different answers. A future partner to build a family with, a fairy tale romance or just an adventure?

A new trend among young people aims to get rid of the confusion and misunderstandings that can accompany the search for dates.

It’s called ‘hardballing’ and it refers to a more sensible approach to dating. The idea is: be honest and explain your intentions and expectations immediately, even before the first date.

Lakshmi Rengarajan, creator of the “Paired by the People” podcast, says that the pandemic has created the perfect environment for this new trend.

“We slow down to restart and think about what gives meaning to our lives.”

Life is precious and short, so for a demanding crowd, there is no time to waste on indefinite romantic relationships.

So, as we enter our second Valentine’s Day under the shadow of the pandemic, two singles tell us why dating for them will never be the same.

“Four basic requirements”

for Mary [no es su nombre real]25, the dating world in Nairobi, Kenya is “tough”.

“I have experienced many situations where the guy has not liked my professional success and has wanted me to shrink,” he tells the BBC.

“If I had to choose between a man and my job, I would definitely choose my security”.

That wasn’t always the case for Mary, who now works as a product manager for a technology company.

For two years, she dated a businessman she had met during her studies. She says that she was willing to drop everything and even uproot her life for him.

But Mary is no longer “the one expected to make the biggest sacrifices in a relationship.”

He didn’t have a steady job and his income was erratic.

“I’ll never date a businessman again, let’s put it that way,” she says, “because there’s no job security.”

“I grew up poor and I would never want to be in a situation where my partner couldn’t play their part professionally and contribute financially like I can,” she explains.

Growing up as the only child of a single mother has meant that financial security is now at the forefront of Mary’s decision making.

He says, there is “four basic requirements” that your partner must fulfill.

Apart from a safe job, your faith, core values ​​and the importance of family have become decisive factors.

“Now when I meet guys on the first date, I’ve already covered the basics, and I know whether or not I’m ready to continue.”

“Be honest”

Though thousands of miles apart, Owen Moore has found dating in Washington, USA to be just as challenging.

“I think due to the transient nature of the city, it really it’s been hard to find people who want to put down roots”, he told the BBC.

Until the pandemic, Owen had resisted online dating. That has changed, but ideally his goal is still “exit the app as soon as possible.”

“I really believe in dating intent and honestysays the 27-year-old consultant.

“But I’m really having a hard time how to do it without necessarily being awkward.”

But who said modern dating was easy? Relationship expert Lakshmi Rengarajan says that there are many challenges in today’s world when looking for love.

Perhaps the most feared experience is that of being made “ghosting”which is when people suddenly cut off all communication without explanation.

“This is driven by the throwaway relationship culture of the digital age,” says Lakshmi.

She argues that today’s dating culture has turned dating into a game of who gets more, and this has become more important than slowly getting to know someone.

“But after finally seeing the collective impact of throwaway dating culture, people are trying to figure out how to counter it.”

And that’s where hardballing comes in: a more honest approach to taking the stress and anxiety out of modern dating.

control issue

“Dating in a digital space has made it easier for people to just ignore or block someone instead of having an awkward conversation,” says Owen.

“There is a real fear that you will be left behind because someone more exciting and interesting could come along at any moment.”

For Owen, the idea of ​​dating is build a connection and see if it can turn into a relationship.

“I am a convinced believer that there is a lot of gray in the world, so not everything necessarily has to be black or white,” he says.

He says that he has expectations of a possible partner but also believes that “hardballing” should be accompanied by some flexibility.

“I don’t think people should go on dates with the mindset that if this person doesn’t fit every one of my boxes, they won’t get a second date.”

For Lakshimi Rengarajan, the tendency of “hardballing” is reduced to having a sense of control, after what has been a turbulent couple of years for many people.

“It’s a way of protecting ourselves,” he told the BBC, “which makes a lot of sense.”