It is believed that it is important for women to give compliments, but some phrases can leave an unpleasant aftertaste. Psychologist Arkady Bondar spoke about such “compliments” to the Doctor Peter portal.
Among them are compliments-comparisons (with mother, mother-in-law, girlfriend, ex, other woman, even with herself when she was not in the best shape).
“In such compliments, subtext is usually heard, even if it was not actually supposed to be there,” the psychologist explained.
“You are so wonderful / beautiful / gorgeous, not like my ex!” (Subtext: Oh, you’re still thinking about your ex!)
“Your pies are almost as delicious as my mom’s.” (Subtext: Am I still not good enough at cooking?)
“This dress makes you slim.” (Subtext: So I’m still fat!)
“You look nice today”. (Subtext: Just today? Did you look bad yesterday, then?)
The other group is inappropriate compliments. “These are compliments that come from negative stereotypes, contain hints of sexism, gender inequality, ageism, insufficient physical or intellectual data,” the expert notes.
“You’re a great driver for a woman.”
“You look good for your age.”
“That’s the best idea you ever had.”
“You’re too smart for a girl.”
“I love you not for looks/mind/accomplishments.”
“But you are kind.”
Insincere compliments. “This includes very general compliments, blurry, on duty, banal, pompous, said “for show”, containing irony in any dosage,” explains Arkady Bondar.
“You have beautiful eyes.”
“Does your mother need a son-in-law?”
“You look your best!”
Psychologist Yulia Kuznetsova also singled out compliments that devalue achievements. “For example, a person might say, ‘I know you can do better!'” she said. “Although the speaker often tries to cheer up the other person in this way, it nevertheless sounds like it devalues the entire journey.”
Compliments given to highlight the change. “For example, when a person, instead of simply saying: “You are charming,” says: “You are so beautiful today,” he thereby introduces the context of comparison. In some cases, such compliments may be appropriate, but they should always be approached with caution, ”says the psychologist.
Source: Rosbalt
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