Can we shape our partner when something bothers us or dislikes him or her?

It is common that, after a while, we begin to find details we don’t like at all of our couples: Why do you eat in such a way? Why do you dress that way? Why do you want us to go out all the time? (or, conversely, why do you just want to stay home?). And so, the list goes on.

Those assumptions defects did not appear overnight. Most likely, they were always there, only after the stage of limeranceor the initial crush as such, we just noticed them.

In that phase, it complements the sexologist Rodolfo Rodríguez Martínez, only the positive of our couples is perceived to a large extent. “The defects or annoying details are often masked with love and attraction to the loved one. After a year and a half, up to two years, the couples face their own realities.

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“When people are newly in love, we are in the phase in which we see everything as perfect, but when it is over we already see the person as they are, and that is the phase in which couples reach agreements, set limits, they become more tolerant of each other and get ahead”, recalls the clinical psychologist Sonnia Navas.

But it becomes frequent that those agreements do not occur; then, one of the two parties undertakes the tempting path of wanting switch to the other, in the aspect that bothers you; or, in other cases, want raise him in his image and likenessto your own liking.

But by no means is this recommendable.

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In a stable couple it is healthy that both parties voluntarily they are doing adjustments and looking for middle terms to cultivate your relationship.

“Each person already has a defined type of personality; trying to change it is usually complicated. What people often do is submit to a situation that they do not like, shut up or hide. But that sooner or later it explodes”, indicates Navas, Master in Systemic Family Therapy.

You may want to change your loved one’s habits with the best of intentions, if you feel they are negative. “There are methods to persuade, modify or induce changes in one person, and are usually led by specialists. If you do not have this accreditation, you could fall into the handling”, explains the psychologist Rodríguez.

And the manipulation in the coupleAlthough it can generate results in the short term, it will not be sustainable over time. What’s more, it could worsen the crisis Between both. “Usually it points to wanting to change the bad, when the positive needs to be put into perspective as well to support the process and guide the couple for a really positive and, above all, healthy change”, says the sexologist.

What’s more, adds the therapist Navas, he could fall into a situation of abuse, especially if one imposes the changes without the will of the other. “Poking a hand in someone else’s life to generate some change, if the other person does not want, it is terrible. Each person has the Liberty to choose when it generates a personal change… Train to the couple to help them do what we think is a best version of himself It is a complicated and dangerous project.”

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Modify the couple because there are vices, addictions and more

Now, if there is a component of the couple that is causing pain or discomfort to anotherobviously it is an issue that must be put on the table and communicate assertively, with empathy. So the couple will want so volunteer modify the part that generates damage and enhance.

In this case, it is best to have the couples therapy counselingfor better tools work the differencesimplement the improvements and, above all, consolidate the affective ties that lead them to be together for a longer time.

Behind molding the couple there could be a most worrying underlying reasonsuch as an addiction or a vice. These are alert indicators that they should not go unnoticed; in fact, over time they tend not to disappear. are the called red flagssays Rodríguez Martínez.

In this circumstance, you must intervene an addiction specialistin conjunction with a multidisciplinary team for proper management of the case of individually and as a couple.

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Crisis of roles in the couple

It may happen that conflicts are also due to the projections what do we have of ideal man or womanresult of the links with our fathers and mothers. “This discomfort is usually more associated with role of father or mother in raising children in the family environment. Although in some cases, when they are couple without childrenusually manifests itself in the housework or responsibilities when establishing life projects or relationship goals”.

Rodríguez notes that the roles within the couple are still structured by a dye sexist: the man is the machoprovider, protector; the woman takes care of the childrentakes care of the house or details of upbringing and, in the best of cases, works, but earns less.

“Fortunately, these constructs are in the process of changes, which is generating in some couples conflicts”, adds the specialist. Therefore, it is vital to recognize the Importance of “personalization of the relationship”which implies that each part assumes one role and strengthens it with the other to do a teamwork in different spheres of the couple’s life.

And for this, points out Rodríguez, it is necessary to consider “roles at an economic, social, family, upbringing, sexual, religious level… And this applies to all types of couples, regardless of their gender and sexual orientation.”

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‘And if the problem is not the other, but me?’

The key in this topic is therapeutic interventionbecause it is usually found that rather the individual who demands the changes of your partner is actually projecting shortcomings and other kind of unidentified needs. All this must be evaluated by a mental health professional.

“There are many cases of women who tend to request these types of changes. And couples are generally considered, instead of a couple, one more son in the house. It is here where we find unresolved oedipus with the maternal bond and issues with the family that persist in conflictive interaction in the couple or family principal”, points out the interviewed psychologist.

Navas also observes that wanting to shape the couple is a sign that one has not made a maturity process as expected in Adults: we are before a person insecurewith feelings of possessionselfish and ultimately you do not respect your loved one.

“we are not clones: everyone has their lifestyle, their feelings, their opinions… Each person has their characteristics, their traits, their personality, and what the other can do is share an opinion, when asked. But that thing about one person shaping the other, if we are talking about adults, seems invasive to me and I don’t think it’s something that benefits the relationship”.

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Change is personal and voluntary

“That’s how you fell in love with me, why do you want to change me now?”, is usually an argument that frustrates the one who wants to mold. And it usually results in the weapon to avoid a change that favors both, as long as it goes through a constructive process, such as those advised by a therapist.

The above reasoning also closes the doors for both, says Navas, because human beings change every day: “In reality, each new idea, each new project, each new opinion, changes us.”

But the background changes they only arise by their own decision, never forced by someone else. Y not even “for love”, clarifies the psychologist Rodríguez. “If the desire or conviction of the individual is proper, the change could be said to come from his self esteem”. Love for each other alone will not suffice.

To this extent, the individual must consider the ability to rationalize aspects to improveflexibility and personal commitment; and then with the other, to establish said purpose, says Rodríguez Martínez. “Love is a part of the structure of life. sexology, which corresponds to the erotic function. They add a triad: communication, pleasure and love. For this reason, as well as a tripod, a complete job is necessary so that said changes or improvements really prevail over time”. (F)

Sources: Sonnia Navas, clinical psychologist and master’s degree in Systemic Family Therapy. Phone: 098-978-4505. Rodolfo Rodríguez Martínez, psychologist-sexologist (psic.rrodriguezm@gmail.com).