Ada lived with depression for many years. “At one point, washing my hair became hellishly difficult”

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February 23 is the National Day for Combating Depression. The aim of this day is to disseminate knowledge about this disease and encourage patients to treatment. As Gazeta.pl, we support those who need support and help. As every year, on February 23, we remind you about the problem.

Natalia Kondratiuk-Świerubska, Female.gazeta.pl: When I listened to the conversation with you in the podcast “Coloring Life”, I thought we had a bit in common. I, too, grew up in the years when depression was hardly spoken of at all. And yet a dozen or so years ago this disease existed. Now you talk boldly about this disease on Instagram, you normalize this difficult topic. What motivated you to do this?

Ewa Adrianna Zalewska: My own experiences. I had a very unstable childhood. It started when my dad’s partner took out horrendous debts. At that time, I witnessed my parents’ frequent quarrels – I had a lot of trouble with them, I even started to mutilate myself. Unfortunately our family broke up.

It must have been very difficult for you.

Yes, such prolonged stress leaves a big mark on a child. I remember that when I was a high school student, and then a student, I felt that something was wrong. However, in those years there was no such awareness of mental illness.

I have similar thoughts. When I was a teenager (now I’m 29), depression was hardly spoken of. It was a taboo subject. A man was afraid that if he went to the doctor, he would be labeled “freak” and the drugs would “change his personality”. I am glad that this is changing now.

Yes, this change is dramatic. A dozen or so years ago, a visit to a psychiatrist was equal to going to a psychiatric hospital and being a “tipster”. And yet a psychiatrist is a doctor like anyone else. My leg hurts – I go to the orthopedist. On the other hand, if I feel mentally bad, I have a problem with getting out of bed – I go to a psychiatrist.

Social media has done a lot of good in this regard. Many people, like you, normalize the topic of depression.

I noticed that nowadays kids, even when they are not looking for help, are much more aware. Thanks to this, they know what they can do when they encounter such a problem. There are, after all, various profiles devoted to this subject, helplines. I hope this change will save a lot of psyche.

What symptoms of the disease did you develop? When I had depression a few years ago, I totally lost my appetite, I couldn’t sleep. In addition, I was accompanied by monstrous thoughts that seem absurd to me from the current perspective.

After my long-term relationship broke up, I was home alone, and for the last 10 years there was always someone around. Earlier, when I felt unwell, I went to sleep. Usually, when I woke up, I felt much better. However, at that point, sleep stopped helping me. In the morning it was even worse. Back then, activities such as brushing my teeth or hair were hellishly difficult for me. Added to this was a terrible fear for the most important person in my life, i.e. my grandmother. I called her every morning to make sure she was okay.

Have you had suicidal thoughts?

These thoughts were very persistent. Deep down, however, I was counting on someone to come to this bridge and save me. It was only at that time that I realized that I needed help.

How do you remember your first visit to the doctor?

At first, I was very stressed. But that has obviously changed over time. I also attended therapy. This, in combination with pharmacological treatment, brought very good results.

Tell me more about your treatment.

At the very beginning, I was told that I was given quite a light drug. I remember the first time I took a pill, it felt as if she had drunk six cups of espresso. Suddenly, from a person who had no strength for anything, I started to do a lot of things, I caught up with all the arrears. I thought it would always be like that. Importantly, I did not drink alcohol during treatment. The psychiatrist said clearly – either treatment or alcohol.

Have you only been taking this one drug?

After some time it turned out that this measure is too weak for me. So the doctor decided to introduce a slightly stronger one. I felt an improvement. But then I had my first panic attack in my life.

How was it going?

It was a very active period in my life, a lot was happening. One day I was driving to a DIY store. Already in the taxi, I couldn’t catch deeper breaths, I thought that I was about to pass out. In the shop I got a panic attack. I was shaking, my heart was pounding like crazy. The staff took me to the break room.

Has an ambulance been called?

Yes, and it was the gentleman who made me realize it was a panic attack. I also got an injection.

The first panic attack is said to be the worst because we don’t know what’s happening to us then. Many people then think that they are dying.

Yes, it was the worst feeling in the world. After this overwhelming experience, I checked in to my psychiatrist. During this visit, he made me realize that it is time to rest. I got L4 for a month. I remember that it stressed me a lot – I was afraid that I would lose my job because of such a long layoff. My boss, however, approached this with great understanding.

What were you doing at that time?

I just took a break from life. I went to my uncle in Masuria. I ate, slept and ran. It helped me a lot.

How was the treatment afterwards?

I was given an even stronger drug. However, in this case, the first three weeks were fatal.

How did you feel then?

It was tragic. I was having suicidal thoughts, but the doctor told me that such a reaction was possible and that I should survive it. I had his words on the back of my head all the time. After three weeks, there was an improvement. I treated myself until I met my current boyfriend, Kacper. I was feeling well enough that the doctor and I decided to stop taking my medications.

You were not afraid of this?

I was very scared! I couldn’t imagine my life without the drugs that helped me so much. Today, however, I function normally and I feel very well. And I feel free from depression at last.

I am very glad that you managed to overcome the disease. I hope this positive example will help others. Thank you for the conversation! And I wish you all the best!

Thank you, too, for listening to my story!

Gazeta.pl and Polska Akcja Humanitarna are launching the “Helper” campaign. As part of it, we have prepared an e-book for parents and guardians of children and teenagers who go through a difficult time, struggle with a mental crisis. The “helper” is available for download for free.