There are most of them in large Polish cities. Who do single women piss off?

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Aga Kozak: You decided to focus on singles …

Anna Kluczyk *: As SOLO JOLO, we strengthen and inspire women – regardless of their personal status, property, age or sexual orientation – to act alone. We want to give courage, create a community that supports each other. The starting motive was traveling – we both travel closer and further, often alone. The number of questions on this subject was intriguing to us: why so much fear as we can encourage the questioners?

Joanna Kozera *:

As anthropologists and researchers, we started looking and it turned out that there is no space where we could talk about singularity – especially women – and inspire each other.

So we started asking ourselves fundamental questions about female singularity.

At the first meeting organized by SOLO JOLO – just about traveling solo – you discussed some basic questions that most women hear when traveling alone around the world.

For the title of the meeting we chose the most important – “Aren’t you afraid the same?”. Another?

Are you not lonely or sad?

We wondered how to convey what happens when traveling alone – which of course is sometimes a difficult experience, sometimes lonely – but these are not overwhelming feelings, because, just like in life, it can be different.

We started to see that questions about traveling are actually questions about singularity in general, also in everyday life: are you not afraid to be alone, are you not sad, alone? Are you missing a mate / partner? Why are you traveling / living like this?

So I understand well that SOLO JOLO started with friendship and your experiences?

JK: Yes. We have known each other for over a dozen years, we met during anthropology studies. Hence, we have research experience – from the field – talking to people about very personal, sometimes difficult matters. We started not only talking about what the two of us notice, but also reading, watching, following cultural texts about women in a solo context. In January, we organized a debate, available on the Internet, “Who are single women annoyed today? Solo woman: facts, myths, stereotypes and fantasies.”

AK: We think that solo travel is the essence of “singularity”: it is exposure to the world that does not occur so severely every day, because we live in safe houses, in cities we know, surrounded by our own people. When we leave, it turns out that this “solo” is more acute: visible to people and the world, visible to us – introspectively.

These questions that we are asked only show how people – not only women – are afraid to be alone with themselves, “singleness” evokes uncertainty.

But I understand that we are talking a bit about the universal condition: solo men can also be afraid of traveling on their own, suffer from loneliness … life for many partners.

AK: We’re going back to the famous double standards in culture that actually hit both genders. We see how we perceive men and women – their roles, tasks and nature. When any of these sexes goes beyond the sphere provided for them in culture – questions arise.

It is a bit like that a man can live his own way, like a “lonely ship”. On the other hand, a solo woman escapes a certain stereotype, a norm, and becomes controversial because she chooses a scenario that was not intended for her.

Of course, there are also suggestions that, for example, we are looking for erotic adventures in lonely travels.

What is there probably nothing wrong with?

AK: But it is served in such an envelope that you go there in order to be without witnesses and to “do evil”. A man is not asked about it, what he will do, what he will do – even with the assumption that he will “enjoy his life”.

These suspicions and inquiries are especially intensified when we have a partner traveling solo. Most people do not understand why, having the opportunity to travel as a couple, you choose to travel alone.

JK: In our debate, we started with the fact that the world is changing, the demography, our laws, consciousness, economy and customs are changing. After all, all this contributes to the fact that the number of people living alone is growing. There is a growing number of women who simply CAN do this.

SOLO JOLO debate mat. press releases SOLO JOLO

You have noticed a lot of fear and tension around the fact that single women can and live the way they want.

AK: And yet the singularity of women is a fact: there are a lot of singles and singles in big cities.

According to the 2011 census, “single-person households dominated among all enrolled households in Warsaw (287.2 thousand, ie 37.1% *)”. Plus people living with parents or roommates, with children.

Solo people constitute a large group, they generate a lot of GDP. We wanted to talk about it, but also to change the language of speaking and thinking about single women, the way of narration.

Is it still needed? 20 years after “Sex and the City”? In which we dealt with the range of singles attitudes?

JK: In our debate, there were a few conclusions that were already raised by the series, e.g. the crisis of the heterosexual relationship model.

According to statistical data, almost every second marriage breaks up, two-thirds of divorce applications are filed by women. It can be presumed that this model does not work more and more, which is not due to “what women are like, how men are”, but from the changing world: education, changing world views, the possibility of being independent.

We don’t live in caves anymore, we don’t need a pair where one person will watch the fire and the other will go to get food. People become independent in terms of worldview and economy. We had one more important conclusion about which we already had our intuition.

SOLO JOLO debate photo: mat. press releases SOLO JOLO

What?

AK:

It is often women who control other women.

The questions asked to single women, apparently out of concern, actually have a lot to do with shaming – embarrassment. If only for the reason that you don’t have children or you don’t have a boyfriend yet. These questions lead to what is the norm, the status quo and are aimed at social control. Women are socialized into service, and a single woman threatens that, according to her fantasies about her, she serves nothing and no one. In fact, escaping this service, we discover that you can find value in other activities and relationships built by choice, needs: volunteering, being a daughter, a friend …

Witch?

JK: A bit like that. Living on the side of the mainstream, so suspicious, arousing anxiety.

AK:

People in relationships often demonize solo people, but at the same time they fantasize about their freedom, for example. Because the state of being solo – in addition to that, or maybe because it’s threatening – is also exciting.

We feel for single women in culture love & hate – eg to Samantha from Sex and the City.

On the one hand, a single is her – a woman who wins life, has success, is beautiful, independent, sexually liberated, juggling with partners. On the other hand, according to the stereotype, she is a woman who never shaves her legs, because what for: nobody wants her, nobody has sex with her.

Her whole world consists of cats or dogs … This is an ambiguous figure that defies the norms, full of contradictions and arousing extreme emotions, just like witches in the past.

So what is your definition of single? Because I – I admit – when I think about the single from “Sex and the City”, I do not think about the character of Samantha, who is not looking for a partnership, but Carrie – solo, but seeking … But it probably says a lot about me!

JK: We are talking about shades of singularity – about the fact that there is no single definition of single.

There are those who choose to be solo and not look for relationships. There are those who are looking for, but do not want to waste time “waiting” – they know that when they are single, they can do interesting things, live well and develop.

There are also shades of singularity where women are put on a layer of “you didn’t get along”, “you didn’t make it in life” – and sometimes women take this perspective.

We also have senior solo girls who are often not looking for partners anymore. Quoting: “Oh, I’m going to have some old man in his pants hanging around…”. These are single women who say: I don’t want to anymore, because I have fulfilled my often servant role towards my family and the world and I can live for myself.

AK: It is important for us to include all single women in the debate led by SOLO JOLO – also to remember about those women who live alone and are unhappy about it.

We know that you cannot equate being alone and unhappiness any more than you can equate a romantic relationship with happiness, or “achieving fulfillment”, your life goal.

The most important thing is how satisfied we are with the state we are in, whether there is a balance between our needs and the possibilities we have to meet them. In our debate, the quote “there is nothing more lonely than living with the wrong person”.

Behind the Valentine’s Day belt – many people will find it difficult to pass this day of celebrating “doubles”. What is the key to solo self love?

AK: Acceptance of this state. Seeing that, for example, demographics are not kind to us. But also a return to sisterhood, appreciating the fact that there are other ties, e.g. friendship, which is very underestimated in relation to romantic love. Women’s circles or friendships with men – sometimes they last longer than relationships or marriage and are equivalent, if not more important. We should also remember that neither of us is obliged to look for a partner. We are under no obligation to do so, even though we are expected to do so.

JK:

This is another important thread in our debate: brought up on romance and fairy tales, we believe that our lives will only be fulfilled when we meet THIS other person, and worse, that there is only one so-called “second half”.

There is no need to wait, life is here and now, and we can also do great things solo or with friends.

SOLO JOLO recommends:

Books

• “Witches. The Invincible Power of Women” – Mona Chollet
• “Wild Road. How I Found Myself” – Cheryl Strayed
• “Prudently and romantically. A guide for traveling women” – Marzena Filipczak
• “I am driving myself, A guide for traveling women” – Marzena Filipczak
• “Majubaju, or giraffes come out of the wardrobe” – Maja Sontag
• “Attachments” – Vivian Gornick
• “A Girl’s Dream” – Laura Dekker

List of English-language books:

• https://belladepaulo.medium.com/badass-single-people-63-books-for-you-430610c032f7

Movies

• “Wild Way” by Jean-Marc Vallée
• “Under the Tuscan Sun” – Audrey Wells
• Thelma and Louise by Ridley Scott
• “Maiden. The Girls Who Changed the World” – Alex Holmes
• “Maidentrip” by Jillian Schlesinge
• “Lekarstwo na miłość” – Jan Batory
• “Girls for the taking” – Janusz Kondratiuk

Inspirational female characters.

There are thousands of them, but the obvious: Michalina Wisłocka, Zofia Stryjeńska, Simona Kossak, Gloria Steinem, Simone de Beauvoir, Virginia Woolf …

SOLO JOLO is a community of women, thanks to which the authors, Ania Kluczyk and Joanna Kozera, can practice with the participants the experience of being solo. One of the important attempts is traveling solo, which has become for us the quintessence of solo struggles and adventures. Starting with it, SOLO JOLO will explore further by supporting solo senior ladies, solo moms, and solo-friendly venues.

Anna Kluczyk photo. private archives

Anna Kluczyk * – a graduate of the Institute of Ethnology and Cultural Anthropology at the University of Warsaw and postgraduate studies in Culture Marketing at the University of Warsaw. Founder and owner of the Nepalove brand. Currently, he is professionally involved in creating new brands and products, marketing, social media, e-commerce. Solo entrepreneur, solo allotmentist, solo vanlifer. Co-founder of the Solo Jolo initiative for women.

Joanna Kozera photo. private archives

Joanna Kozera * – a graduate of the Institute of Ethnology and Cultural Anthropology of the University of Warsaw, Multimedia at the University of Arts in Poznań, studied traditional art at the Institut Seni Indonesia Yogyakarta. Curator, artist, social researcher, author and coordinator of projects at the intersection of art, animation and social activities. He has been active in culture for over a dozen years. Organizer of travel and micro-excursions. Co-founder of the Solo Jolo initiative for women.