Orgasms are not a guarantee of a successful relationship. Sex is not enough!

Apparently some women feel sad after satisfying sex?

Usually these are women who are not very happy in their relationship. And even though sex was successful, they had an orgasm, they don’t feel happy or content. They just had sex not with the man they wanted. Sex is most often associated with emotions, intimacy, tenderness, and when you’re out of sense with someone, it’s hard to arouse such enthusiasm.

It happens that women do not analyze their feelings on a daily basis. The moment after the rapprochement is the moment when you can feel something. And when instead of love and closeness there is emptiness, the questions arise – do I love him? Why are we together? Am I happy? Answers to them can lower your mood.

I had a client who had a relationship with a very wealthy man in a high position. Their romance began at work, they quickly decided that they wanted to be together, he moved to another company to be ethical. They moved in together and got married quickly. He impresses her, they have a comfortable life, they spend their holidays in expensive hotels in exotic places. It looks perfect, doesn’t it? Meanwhile, this woman regularly feels sad after having sex. She doesn’t love her partner. She is in this hotel, on this vacation, around paradise, she is unhappy. She does not desire her husband, does not have affection for him, disgusts herself for making available herself in exchange for a prosperous life and luxurious trips. Marital prostitution.

But he impressed her, they had an affair, they are in a relationship. What happened?

She was impressed that she was in a high position and she was flattered by the fact that someone of such social and financial status noticed her. Besides, he is actually the perfect candidate for a husband – every mother-in-law will confirm it. However, she feels like she has an emotional flu. Understand your own and your emotions. It’s like going to the Maldives and getting sick. So what if it’s beautiful around you, if you’re sitting in bed with a fever, sore throat and sore muscles.

Sadness after sex Foot. Shutterstock

After all, there are relationships in which a couple does not love each other, but has good sex …

Are you sure successful? Because from what I hear in the office, almost 60 percent of women do not desire men with whom they are in a relationship. Most of the women who feel sad after sexual intercourse come from this group.

Is sex not conducive to intimacy? Does it not bring people together, make us cling, and even fall in love? There are, after all, relationships that began with sex.

In theory, this should be the case, because during orgasm, oxytocin, the attachment hormone, is produced, but this does not work for everyone and not in every couple. There are many women who have intercourse with one or more partners and do not bond with them at all, have no need to do so. Oxytocin will have a ligating effect in some, but not in others.

For many women, sex is responsive, i.e. if a partner initiates intercourse at night or in the morning, even if the partner is not in the mood, she will have sex. “Because he started, he doesn’t want to refuse, so as not to hurt him.” It happens that after the foreplay he gets “screwed” and somehow it goes. The woman supposedly reacts, but it is only a reaction to his advances, not her decision or initiative. And then comes the reflection – how much was I in this sex, does it make me happy? And there is sadness, sometimes even guilt, for doing something against himself.

Feeling guilty?

When a woman feels inconsistent in the relationship, because the couple is in crisis, then after having sex with a partner with whom she is, for example, argued or has unclear topics, she feels discomfort. Sex with an exporter can also do this. It happens that the couple still meet in bed after the breakup, and after the intercourse, the woman feels remorse and feels sorry for the loss. Realizes that it doesn’t make sense.

Another such situation is sex after cheating on a partner – women then often have negative thoughts and compare themselves to their lover. They hold a grudge against each other – that it is too early, that they should not, that they were not entirely convinced.

Forbidden sex – that is, cheating on your partner – can also bring bitter reflections when your emotions subside after a moment of excitement. I know the story of a woman who had sex with a priest while cheating on her husband. Not only is betrayal but a forbidden fruit in her spiritual life. It is easy to feel guilty then.

Another single patient has sex with her married boss. She is among her friends on Facebook, she can see his posts. And he posts photos of the family – his wife, children, he writes that they are everything to him. No wonder this woman is in a bad mood after sex. There is also the awareness that he is a hypocrite, there are complaints that the woman, instead of leaving him, has been stuck in a nonsensical arrangement for years.

Sadness after sex Rys. Shutterstock

Forbidden relationships, betrayal, lack of love – all of these can contribute to a depressed mood even after a successful intercourse. Anything else?

What we brought out of the house. Women in violent homes may seek out abusive guys and not lust after others. It is very likely that if the girl was her dad’s mascot, whose task was to cheer him up and curb his tantrums, then as an adult woman she would not find satisfaction with a calm, wise, kind and warm man. But with aggressive badboys, yes. Only for how long? Until he beat her up, demolished her apartment, betrayed her? To change this, it takes long therapy and changes to the neural pathways in the brain.

Another situation is that people from religious families may feel remorse and feel sad after sex without marriage. Sexual activity without formalizing the relationship causes guilt and sadness. A very rigorous upbringing causes people to have a negative view of sexuality. After getting married, they often avoid having sex because they feel that they are touching something evil, slippery, or suspicious.

Suppose the couple are happy, they love each other, no one has betrayed anyone, there is no guilt, no limitations – do we only have joy and happiness after orgasm?

Not always. Women can be sad after sex when they don’t orgasm. Some believe that this defines them as a woman, and their lack of orgasm takes away their femininity. Or when sex doesn’t lead to another month or year to fertilization.

Can a hormonal swing be behind the sadness after sex?

Maybe. Sometimes I refer my clients to a gynecologist or endocrinologist when I suspect the cause is physiological.

How long does such a depressed mood last?

Sometimes for a moment, sometimes several hours or even days – in a situation where, for example, the partner strengthens the guilt in the woman through his behavior. There is paroxysmal sadness, it comes suddenly and suddenly disappears.

Do you cry after sex?

People who have been sexually harassed, or have experienced violence or rape cry most often. In the moment of excitement, moments when they experienced harm, but at the same time could experience pleasure, are recalled, because touching the organs can carry it, despite the objections of the abused person. They have dissonance, emotional distortion, and must vent their emotions. Sometimes they cry, and in extreme situations they become aggressive, e.g. one of the women demolished the bathroom after having sex.

Bad memories come back, and they are evoked by the pleasure they feel in contact with their partner. It is a very difficult situation. Victims of rape, including marital rape, can react similarly. Victims have to react, e.g. by destroying something. Basically – sex destroyed me, I destroy things around me.

Do women have any thoughts – where does sadness come from and what can they do with it?

Most are not aware of this. But some people come to psychotherapists with such problems, and during therapy they come to it.

It is true that sadness after sex is felt primarily by women, at least according to available studies (including conducted in 2011 by Australian researchers, published in the International Journal of Sexual Health, which say that every third woman experiences sadness after sex at least once in her life. and 10 percent of women very often or almost always feel depressed instead of joy). What about men? They also get sad after a sexual intercourse?

Yes, if they feel that they don’t love a woman. I recently attended a sexology convention where the results of some research were presented. It turns out that significantly more women than men declare being in a relationship with a person they do not love. 70 percent of men admitted that they would absolutely not agree to a relationship without love, and 80 percent of women agreed to such an arrangement. I know the story of a man who dated a woman for sex for six months. And then he felt bad about it. Because he wasted three hours in a hotel with someone he doesn’t love with whom he won’t build a satisfying relationship.

Sadness after sex Foot. Shutterstock

This is probably an unusual approach?

Not if a man is looking for love, not just sex. There is a test – you can see what a man is looking for after the way he behaves after orgasm. If he stays in bed, hugs his partner, is tender – he cares about more than just sex. He wants to experience relationship and feelings. And if he quickly runs away from a woman after intercourse, he usually wanted to throw off sexual tension and there is no chance of a relationship. Quite often this can be seen in relationships where the woman is the other, the mistress.

Do men feel bad after having sex with their mistress?

Yes – if they feel guilty about cheating on their partner, using women to achieve a goal, such as promotion. Men also have remorse after chemsex – sexual intercourse, drugs. They meet a random woman and have sex and then regret it. And also when they compromise – that is, they have intercourse with women who they do not like, but are sexually available.

Could This Post-Sex Grief Destroy A Couple’s Sexual Life?

Yes, because the other person sees what the partner is feeling. It’s hard to hide it. If this condition persists, it can have negative consequences for the relationship.

What can a partner do when he notices the other person being sad or crying?

Talk. Ask about the background, about the reasons. If this does not work, persuade you to see a psychotherapist. After all, we are here to help.

Andrzej Gryżewski – sexologist, cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist (CBT), psychologist, certified sex educator. The author of the best-selling “The Art of Penis Handling”, the books “Like a guy with a guy, talks about sexuality and gay relationships”, “Macho, manual” and a new one written with Katarzyna Miller – “To be a couple and not to go crazy”. Founder

Joanna Germak. After 20 years in the media, she decided to work in a completely different industry. She does not miss content, but she lacks journalism, which is why she collaborates as an author of texts and interviews. Professionally, he likes to do things that make sense.