Carefree converted into duties. By parentification, we raise “young old ones”

Lena was eight when her mother began to leave her alone with her younger brother. “You are my brave girl,” she heard every time she had dinner, she cleaned toys after him, checked if he washed his teeth well and covered himself at night. Nobody asked if she wanted to be brave. She just was. When my mother returned home tired, Lena sat next to it, listened to problems and tried to find words that could bring relief. She didn’t have time to think about herself. And then, when she grew up, she noticed that she still could not … This is an example of parentification, i.e. a phenomenon that makes the child lose his childhood quickly.

When adulthood comes too early. What is the parentification?

Parentification is a situation in which the child takes over the obligations that should belong to adults. This is not only home help, but above all emotional or practical care for parents. In such families, the roles are reversed and this child becomes a support for an adult, not the other way around. As we can read in Wiktor Ziełobicki, entitled “Parentification as a process of reversing roles in the family”, we distinguish two main types of parentification:

• instrumental – The child deals with duties that are not suitable for his age. He cooks, cleans, looks after his siblings, does shopping or even cares for home finances.
• emotional – The child becomes a trustee of the parent’s problems, comforts him, supports him mentally, and sometimes even takes over the role of a therapist.

Both forms of the phenomenon often result from a difficult family situation, e.g. illness, divorce, addiction to one of the parents or their emotional immaturity. The problem is that the minor has no tools to deal with it. And although it may seem mature outside, it remains lost and overwhelmed with responsibility that he should not bear.

What are the symptoms of parentification? We face the consequences in adult life

Children who grew up in an atmosphere of parentification often do not realize that their experiences could be burdensome. It is only in adulthood that they notice how much they influenced their way of functioning. Many of these people have difficulty with rest, and the sense of duty and the desire to be needed make them difficult to focus on their own needs without remorse. Bounding in relationships can also be a challenge for them. According to the expectations of others, they often unknowingly allow their well -being to go to the background.

The influence of parentification can also be seen in emotional life. People who grew up in the role often attract partners who need to help or for whom you need to take responsibility. Entering relationships in which they keep everything in check, they may feel tired and pressure over time to always be those who support others, even at the expense of their own comfort. According to psychologist Robert Pinkert, the phenomenon may also have health consequences. People who grew up in an atmosphere of excessive responsibility are more exposed to anxiety disorders, depression and chronic stress.

Parentification often goes hand in hand with perfectionism. A child who had to take over his parents’ duties early in adulthood imposes high standards. The constant need to be reliable and fulfilling expectations can lead to exhaustion and the feeling that he never does enough. What if an adult realizes that she was growing up in such a pattern? It is worth reaching for professional support.

Psychotherapy helps to overwork known patterns and learn to build healthy relationships with both others and with each other. IN in the case of severe anxiety or depressive symptoms, it is also worth considering psychiatric consultation to regain internal balance. Remember that parentification does not have to define all life. You can learn to put yourself in the first place, take care of your own needs and drop the burden of responsibility for everyone around. The most important thing is to see and afford support.

In your childhood, did you take over the duties that normally belong to adults? We invite you to participate in the poll and commenting.

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