They spend their whole lives thinking that they will become grandparents. But their children don’t want to have children. “It’s an increasingly common problem”

Znak Publishing House recently published Sandra Konrad’s book “What will your mother say? How to become independent and heal your relationship with your parents.” We talk about it with psychologist and therapist – Joanna Flis, who is the ambassador of this title.

Natalia Kondratiuk-Świerubska, Kobiet.gazeta.pl: In your review, you wrote that Sandra Konrad’s latest guide “is a very good book about setting boundaries, healthy egoism, about life in maturity and on your own terms.” However, I think that this is a very necessary position now. While reading the book, I had the impression that such problems in relationships between adult children and their parents are quite common.

Joanna Flis, psychologist, therapist, author of the best-selling book “What’s wrong with me?” and creator of the Madame Monday podcast: Yes, but we must remember that it is almost never black and white, that we either have good or bad family relationships. I can compare it to our health. Rarely is anyone completely healthy. It is similar in family relationships. Even when they are good, there are elements that require our work, for example. However, the bad situation is when we cultivate incorrect patterns and we do not have space to talk about it.

Do you think it is at all possible to cut this symbolic umbilical cord in adulthood while maintaining good relationships with parents?

Of course. Many of the problems in adult children’s relationships with their parents result from different cultural codes and ingrained beliefs. And in my opinion, good relationships begin when both parties make an effort to somehow break out of these patterns and finally start to break them. It is good when both children and parents want to work on themselves. I think this is crucial when we want to fix something.

Who usually takes the initiative in such cases? People from Generation Z and Millennials are eager to work on themselves. During therapy, they often discover that their family relationships need repairing.

It’s rare for both sides to want change at the same time. Most often, we are forced to do so by some crisis situation. Sometimes adult children discover during therapy that their relationship with their parents blocks their development and moving forward. However, it also happens that parents start the change. They may be motivated to do so by some serious problem – for example, a child’s addiction. In the case of this type of problem, a parent may go to therapy and, for example, discover that one of the sources of the problem is his overprotection.

In your opinion, what should a person do if they want to repair their relationship with their parents?

I discourage any violent, revolutionary actions. It is best to approach such matters calmly. First, I would focus primarily on our own reactions. This, of course, requires us to get used to it and to think about it. We also need to prepare ourselves mentally for some unpleasant situations. For example, parents will be dissatisfied because we deny them something, and they are used to the fact that we always do what they ask us to do. Therefore, I would start working on relationships with loved ones with a fundamental change in myself.

What if parents are negative about their children’s new version?

Here it is worth mentioning an important issue that Sandra Konrad writes about in her book. Our loved ones will not always want to change with us. However, this does not change the fact that if we change, it will also force the family to adapt to it. Such an open conversation with our loved ones is not always possible. But we can always start working on ourselves.

My observations show that the less the umbilical cord is cut off, the more various harmful patterns are established, the greater the resistance to change. However, when we start working on ourselves and our loved ones react allergic to it, let’s not give up. The greater this resistance, the more important this change is. In my opinion, withstanding this resistance is a guarantee of success. However, when we succumb to it, we return to our old patterns of functioning.

Sandra Konrad’s book ‘What will mom say? How to become independent and heal your relationship with your parents press materials

What can prove that the umbilical cord between us and our parents has not been cut?

In my opinion, it is primarily an unhealthy dependence on what mom or dad says. We are afraid of our parents’ reactions, we subordinate our decisions to their expectations, their approval and acceptance at every step. And when we don’t get it, fear arises. In addition, people who have an uncut umbilical cord may feel that they are the entire reason for their parents’ existence. When we have such a relationship, we cannot talk about full maturity.

What if parents cannot accept their children’s decisions? I have noticed that nowadays such conflicts often arise when young people consciously give up parenting. Their parents resent them for not becoming grandparents.

Indeed, this is an increasingly common problem. But what is new in our society is that we have both families with children and without children. This may be strange for many people, because, for example, they have lived their whole lives in the belief that when they get older they will become grandparents. And then suddenly it turns out that their children do not plan to become parents at all.

So how do you talk to them about it?

Of course, we have every right to give up parenthood. However, we also need to allow our parents to talk about their dreams. We shouldn’t shut them up. And the fact that they dream about something does not mean that we have to make it happen. It also works the other way round. For example, I can dream about my parents traveling around the world with me. However, my dream does not force them to completely change their lives.

Therefore, in such cases, I would not be so surprised at the parents, and I would focus on myself again. It is worth considering whether we are forcing ourselves to make other people’s dreams come true?

Thank you very much for the interview and I wish you all the best!