She was 37 years old and not ready for a divorce. The question was asked: “Where can you find an apartment for this money?”

How to see opportunities and not difficulties in changes and unexpected situations? We will find the answer to this question. The author helps us understand what we are going through. It also tells you how to get out of such situations as best as possible. She often uses her own, smaller and larger crises and twists as an example. Thanks to the courtesy of Agora Publishing House, we are publishing a fragment of it.

The thought of the inevitability of separation comes silently

I know many people who imagine their wedding day, but I don’t know anyone who imagines their divorce day. When you are getting ready for the wedding, you think about what the dress, the wedding and the whole “happily ever after” will look like. After the ceremony and party, every day you look at the wedding rings shining on your fingers, you learn to say “my husband”, “my wife”. , you change your name and you feel that in some indescribable way you are becoming even closer to each other. Because nothing has changed between you before the wedding, and yet everything seems to have changed. Our ideas about what it will be like often come from observations and book and film stories, and most, if not all, romantic films end on the wedding day and you don’t really know what happens next. You expect that everything will probably still be the same as at the beginning, that is, great, everything is nice and beautiful.

When the day comes when you realize that your relationship is over and it’s time to break up, you are in shock. This thought stops you in your tracks. Makes you lose your breath. This discovery is incomparable to any other discovery. Sometimes it comes in the middle of the night, sometimes in the middle of the day, sometimes when you pick up the kids from school, sometimes when you go to get gas or buy flowers for a friend’s wedding. The thought of the inevitability of separation comes silently, as if emerging from nowhere. Although it does not come from nowhere, because it is the fruit of many days, nights, hours, minutes, seconds of reflection, hesitation, tears of despair and tears of hope. At the same time, the words of the marriage vow keep ringing in your head: “I will not leave you until death.” And you can’t understand what it means.

For a long time I understood these words narrowly, thinking that they were talking about physical death. Now I know that they can refer to the death of the feeling that was between you. In some sense, the day you decide to divorce is the day when love officially dies. For me, this day was clouded by the Swedish weather and flooded with tears. I couldn’t imagine that the decision to divorce me would happen to me in Sweden, and even on my birthday. I couldn’t imagine that my heart would break into a thousand pieces in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I couldn’t imagine that I would be faced with such difficult questions and that I would have to find the courage to answer them. I couldn’t imagine any of these things, because it’s hard to imagine a day when love will end.

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In hindsight, I see that previous life decisions, large or small, did not require so much courage or strength from me. No other decision involved such precise awareness of one’s needs and following them without fear of judgment from others. And although it seemed to me that I had made quite a few of these different choices over the years, none of them were this difficult. Choosing studies – I knew they could always be changed. First job – you can quit. Buying a flat – what’s the problem with selling it? Car – easy to replace. But the decision to divorce is irreversible.

A mixture of feelings that you probably can’t be ready for

I have the impression that in the process of upbringing and growing up, we are prepared for performances, communions, trips, but no one prepares us to say: no, I don’t want to live like this anymore. Few people are ready for the waves of emotions that accompany it. It’s such a mixture of feelings that you probably can’t be ready for. Somewhere inside I probably expected to feel despair, anger, sadness, regret, fear. At the same time, maybe I was also waiting for something like courage, hope and relief. But I didn’t expect that on that day I would feel… adulthood. At 37, I felt like a real adult. I felt like a woman who took responsibility for her life. I felt grounded and true to myself, and at the same time lonely, scared, lost and embittered.

Sweden will forever be the country where I got divorced. It’s a very beautiful country for a divorce, by the way. Swedish nature is harsh, but at the same time so real and somehow strangely fair. You could say that it makes you stand up and asks an important question: “Okay, Asia, so what is it like, but seriously?” There’s no bullshit there in the north. The roughness of nature, low temperatures and long distances mean a lot of time to think, so Sweden is a test of what you carry in your heart – because you have a chance to see it. Since nature is so rawly true there, man also boldly reaches for the truth, sometimes uncomfortable truth. So it was there, on my birthday, that I said a sentence with the word “divorce” in it. middle. The conversation is not easy, painful, even cruel. One that you usually want to run away from. The kind where inhaling hurts terribly, but exhaling even more. One that you want to end as soon as possible. And at the same time you know that as soon as it ends, you will stand over an abyss into which you will have to jump. And the abyss is one great unknown, a place where there are only questions and no answers. This is quite a specific abyss, because it is one in which you have to trust that whenever you dare to jump into it, you will not die.

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I was afraid that if I took too big a step, I would fall into the abyss

When the conversation with the word “divorce” ended, I returned to the shelter room and collapsed on the bed, then burst into tears. I only remember curled up in a ball, asking myself: what now?, what next?, where?, when?, how? ?, how much?, why? I didn’t know many things then, but there were two things that I knew for sure. Firstly, that I had to breathe. Secondly, that I had to somehow return to Poland. The first one was a bit easier, the second one was a mystery . I knew that we would have to travel back together by car, which would take several hours. I just didn’t know how we would experience it emotionally. What I call the “closest possible step strategy” helped me a lot. On the one hand, looking too far into the future made me feel panicky, so I knew I couldn’t think ahead. On the other hand, I was equally paralyzed by the feeling of immobility. Something in between, that is, my smallest but closest step, has become a safe space for me. Step by step. Krokunio, which – surprisingly – I knew how to make. So I asked myself: – Asia, what is the smallest step you can take now?

• – Get up and brush your teeth.
• – And now?
• – Pack your suitcase.
• – And now?
• – Set the alarm clock.
• – And now…

In this way, I took further steps towards returning to some sort of balance and at the same time… returning to Poland. Otherwise, the thousands of steps and questions waiting in line would torment my mind, heart and body. I knew that for now I could only think about this one smallest move forward. I was afraid that if I took too big a step, I would fall into an abyss from which I wouldn’t be able to come back.

So I was lying on this shelter bed in a room overlooking the forest and my thoughts were wandering. Okay, the smallest step after returning is: I will find an apartment to rent, then I will pack, then I will transport my things. Okay, and then? I’ll find a lawyer and file a lawsuit. And then… And with these steps I trotted towards the exit. Breathing to yourself again and again.

Alone? And who will help you?

I just had to be careful with the fear that accompanied me then, because if left unattended, it immediately took hold in my head. He clung to everything, every step. When I was going to look for a flat, he said: but where can you find a flat for this money?, maybe you should think about returning to your parents?, and what if you move, girl, alone?, and who will help you?, they are all so busy, they don’t have time for this.

I knew I couldn’t ignore that voice, but I also couldn’t let it grow because I was afraid it would consume me. So I was looking for tools to deal with anxiety and I found something that still helps me in difficult moments. It was a letter that Elizabeth Gilbert (author of the best-selling novel Eat, Pray, Love) wrote in her book Big Magic:

Dear Fear, I understand that you will join me and my creativity on this journey of ours called life. This is your job and you have been doing it forever. I appreciate your sense of duty and commitment to the work you believe you should do in my life. You take your job very seriously, and I see that among your duties you have, among other things, the following: generating panic whenever I undertake something new. And I must admit… you are great at your job.

So if you have to do it, then go for it, but I promise you I will too, no matter what you do. I want you to know that there is room for all of us in this car where we travel through life together, so make yourself at home. However, remember that it is me and my creativity that make the decisions here. I respect that you are coming with us and that you are part of the family. I’ll never kick you out, so you can keep coming with us. You can even have your opinion, but… you don’t have the right to vote. What’s more: you don’t touch the maps. You don’t touch the cruise control. Dude, you’re not even allowed to touch the radio. Oh, and most importantly: you have no right to drive this car.

I like to come back to this letter because it always calms me down. I know that anxiety accompanies new endeavors, changes, endings and beginnings. Anxiety is a normal and natural feeling that each of us experiences more or less often, more or less strongly. Everyone has been afraid of something, is afraid of something, or will be afraid of something. The problem is that not everyone knows that what they feel is fear, because they may mask it with anger. Or he knows that he feels afraid, but he won’t tell the outside world about it because “it’s a shame”. Maybe even reading these words you feel afraid. Maybe this book finds you in a place of fear for the future. Maybe you are afraid that someone will betray you or that you won’t cope with your new job. Or maybe there’s a medical diagnosis coming that will definitely change your life and that’s what you’re afraid of. Maybe the fear doesn’t concern you, but your children or parents. Or maybe it’s a fear that is associated with something positive, that is, with a promotion and a move, and you punish yourself for being afraid because “there is no reason.” When something new, surprising, difficult or beautiful happens, fear may appear. What he has no right to do is run your life. That’s why we need to carefully outline his responsibilities and show him that we, not him, decide about our own lives.