He didn’t know he was sick. “At some point I started thinking intensely about death”

In recent years, depression has become an increasingly more frequently diagnosed disease. Interestingly, according to one of the reports of the National Health Fund, as many as 73 percent of those undergoing treatment in our country are women. However, this does not mean that men get sick less often. Such statistics are probably due to the fact that men are less likely to seek help. Moreover, they often wait much longer to do so.

– Depression is an extremely democratic disease – says Robert Kowalczyk, MD, PhD, psychologist, clinical sexologist, psychotherapist from the SPLOT Institute in Warsaw. – It affects people regardless of gender, status or education. However, my professional experience shows that men seek help much later than women, after the symptoms have become more severe. Women usually decide to undergo treatment at an earlier stage of the disease.

As the expert adds, men are often encouraged by their loved ones to visit a specialist. – I believe that the environment plays an extremely important role. It sometimes happens that people close to them literally bring patients to therapy, he notes.

“She immediately noticed that something was wrong”

The story of Bartek* reminds us how important the role of the immediate environment is. The 35-year-old has been suffering from depression for two years. He claims that his relationship almost broke up due to the disease. – My partner immediately noticed that something was wrong. We have known each other for six years and suddenly I became strangely sad, I lost motivation and energy – he recalls.

His girlfriend decided to convince him to see a specialist. However, he didn’t take her words seriously for a long time. This led to frequent arguments between them. For a long time he thought he could handle everything on his own. However, when he started having problems at work due to his mood and increasingly poor concentration, he finally admitted that his partner was right. – It’s terrible that we, men, ignore these types of problems so much. We think that depression does not affect us. I’m glad I finally wised up and went to the doctor, he says.

“I thought I had nothing to complain about”

Marek, in turn, suspects that untreated depression could have accompanied him for up to three years. – Whenever I talk about my illness, people are shocked. Because I have everything, so why should I be depressed? I think that because of such voices and my own beliefs, I delayed visiting a specialist. For a long time I thought that I had nothing to complain about and that I should finally get my act together – he recalls.

Now he knows that in his case the disease was caused by excessive demands on himself. As he points out, at one point he worked 11-12 hours a day. He was afraid of losing his well-paid job. In fact, in the company where I work, many people function this way. At that time, he had no regard for his needs at all. – What terrified me was that at one point I started thinking intensely about death. It seems terrible to me now, but at the time I was convinced that it would be best if I died, says Marek.

In his case, the attitude of his other half also turned out to be very important. Less than a year ago, Marek’s wife persuaded him to see a psychiatrist. Despite initial resistance, today he is grateful to her for it. – I take medication and went to therapy for several months. I see a clear improvement, my approach to work is changing. The only thing I regret is not getting help earlier, he reveals.

“I didn’t associate this disease with such symptoms”

Tomek found out that he was suffering from depression three years ago. At first, he had no idea that he would hear such a diagnosis. – After breaking up with my wife, I thought I was coping with the situation. And suddenly I stopped sleeping. I lay in bed and thought until four or five in the morning. And at seven I got up for work. This lasted about two months. I was exhausted and my mood was getting worse. Then I started losing my appetite, he recalls.

He finally went to the doctor for sleeping pills. He is glad that he found a good specialist, because after half an hour of conversation he was told that he was depressed. – I didn’t expect this. Previously, I had not associated this disease with symptoms such as sleep or appetite disorders. Besides, I’m afraid that earlier, if I had known it was depression, it would have been difficult for me to go to the doctor. I would tell myself that I was strong and could handle it myself. Moreover, I would probably be afraid of what others would think of me. Fortunately, now I see that no one treats me worse because of my illness – reveals our interlocutor.

Important voices of famous men

The stories of Bartek, Marek and Tomek show that men are often blocked from reaching for help by shame, fear of judgment, inability to talk about emotions, as well as false beliefs about depression. Fortunately, in recent years the topic has been discussed more and more often. – Looking back over a decade, I can definitely see a lot of improvement. There are various social campaigns, there is much more talk about it. Moreover, it is very important that famous men who are perceived as authorities also spoke on this topic. They started talking about their depression, which in my opinion is something very significant – notes Dr. Robert Kowalczyk.

It is worth mentioning that in recent years, Olaf Lubaszenko, Kazik Staszewski, Muniek Staszczyk, Bartek Jędrzejak, Jarosław Kret, Filip Chajzer, Ralph Kamiński, Szymon Majewski, among others, talked about their illness.

For them, talking about depression is talking about weakness

How does men’s depression differ from women’s depression? As Robert Kowalczyk explains, many symptoms of the disease are similar. – These include long-term low mood, various cognitive problems, sleep and appetite disorders. The main difference that specialists notice is how patients describe their condition. Women are better socialized to discuss their own emotions. Men, however, usually have a much bigger problem with it. For many people, talking about depression is unfortunately still talking about weakness. Moreover, many men still have the wrong belief that seeking help from a psychiatrist or psychotherapist is a sign of weakness, says the expert.

There may also be other causes of the disease. – For many men, their career builds their identity. They think that you always have to move forward and be tough, regardless of the circumstances. Therefore, any failures or difficulties in the professional sphere may influence the development of depression. Men often feel obliged to support their family and provide it with a decent living. And even when the other party also works professionally, they feel great responsibility. Physical and sexual fitness is also very important to them. Problems in these areas may also be depressing, says Dr. Robert Kowalczyk.

In the case of men, there are also different ways to deal with the disease before diagnosis and treatment. These include taking stimulants, driving fast, and in extreme cases even getting into fights.

How to support a sick partner?

The patient’s relatives play a very important role. However, it often happens that they feel helpless and do not know how to help a person who downplays their condition and does not want to start treatment. What can we do in such a situation? Here are some tips from Dr. Robert Kowalczyk:

• Avoid statements such as: “pull yourself together” or “get yourself together.” Such words have no effect. Listen to the sick person, talk to him, spend your time with him. Reassure him that he can always count on your help.
• Avoid diagnosing, leave it to specialists. Instead of saying, “You’re depressed, do something about it,” say, “I feel like you’ve been sadder than usual lately.”
• Don’t be afraid to react. You may be frightened by some of the words of a sick person. If you hear that, for example, he is going to take his own life, call the helpline. Don’t underestimate this. It’s not always the case that if someone says they’re going to kill themselves, they actually won’t do it.
• Remember to be understanding and patient. People suffering from depression often take everything personally and are accompanied by various negative beliefs that are the result of the disease. It is worth showing during conversations that this is not true. However, avoid texts like: “you have everything, you shouldn’t feel so bad.”
• If you provide such support to someone, seek help yourself. Because we are also burdened in such a situation.

* The names of the characters in the article have been changed at their request.

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If you need to talk to a psychologist, you can contact at 800 70 2222. ITAKA Foundation psychologists are available by phone, e-mail and chat, providing advice and directing callers to the appropriate help facility in their region. Relatives of people who require help can also contact the center. Specialists will advise you on what to do to encourage your loved one to contact a specialist.

If you are experiencing difficulties and are thinking about taking your own life or want to help someone at risk of suicide, remember that you can use the free help numbers:

• Helpline for Children and Youth: 116 111
• emotional support phone number for adults: 116 123

If suicidal thoughts or a suicide attempt is life-threatening, for immediate crisis intervention, call the police on 112 or go to the emergency department of your local psychiatric hospital.

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