Four signs that a relationship is coming to an end. It’s not cheating at all

The four horsemen of the apocalypse

This chapter has a premise built into it. The assumption is that any reform step in a relationship must start with improving communication. An assumption that I often dismiss with a bon mot: “Love is overrated, communication is the most important thing.” It’s not that love doesn’t matter – it’s about the fact that even the greatest love will perish if people are unable to communicate. We will watch four the great perpetrators of communication problems, the four horsemen of the trade union apocalypse.

American psychologist John Gottman (I told you it pays to remember) spent his life learning the secrets of the relationships of the homo sapiens species. His research focused, among other things, on predicting the likelihood of divorce. To this end, he tracked habits and communication styles and looked for behavioral patterns. Urban legend has it that Gottman was able to judge within a dozen or so minutes whether the couple he saw would survive or not. He based his assessment on four dysfunctional communication styles, which always contribute to the weakening of relationships, and in the case of intimate relationships, may contribute to their breakdown. He called them absolutely brilliantly, the four horsemen of the apocalypse. There is also something that I add to Gottman’s theory. To me, all riders wear the same thing under their coat: ego domination.

Every person does nasty things in relationships. This does not mean that we are bad or evil to the core, it means that we have very poor survival and protection strategies and do not think enough about what we do. The four heralds are an expression of feelings, attitudes and tendencies that never, ever serve to build relationships, but come from very specific personal experiences that are really worth and can really be changed.

At dusk. How to stop being afraid of life and live it your own way WAB

First Horseman: Criticism

See if you can recognize the differences between these sentences. A: I was worried that it was getting late and you didn’t show any sign of life. We agreed that if you came back later than midnight, you would call or write.

B: You never think about anyone around you, only yourself. You think you’re so great, but you’re selfish. You’ll never wonder what happened to me!

Statement A is a complaint, a description of the situation with feedback, the second one is criticism. The first statement tells what happened not as it should have happened (findings), the second is a personal vehicle to which you can respond either by retreating or counter-attack.

If people live closely together, their delays, forgetfulness, idleness, laziness, and demons from the past are as clear as a borscht stain on a white tablecloth. Differences, flaws, shortcomings drive us crazy. However, our observations about the imperfections of a loved one can be presented in a digestible or completely unbearable way. Criticism is a general, personal attack: “You’re always late!”, “I can’t count on you at all!”. But there are also perfectly placed shotgun blows – public correction of linguistic errors, mocking some vice, belittling, etc.

This most often results from the attitude of “I am right”, and when I am not right at the moment, I will look for a way to get it. Optional: it is a symptom of mental rigidity, i.e. the feeling that there is only one method of doing something that is correct. I remember the story of one one of my clients who told me that she was on the verge of ruining the good atmosphere on a trip with her friends because one of them showed… the wrong way to prepare guacamole. The client was, of course, sure that she had the secret to crushing an avocado in a way that mortals couldn’t. She avoided direct confrontation because she realized that she did not feel confident in this group, and in order to maintain her position, she was looking for places where she could demonstrate her competences.

Unfortunately, it is so – and now we are looking under the guise of the critical rider – that when we give up on gossiping and fighting for the right and domination, we feel like we have lost. This is the tyranny of the ego I mentioned. Your ego is triggered by fear, by low self-esteem, by imaginary threats that recreate past hurts. There are plenty of reasons, but if you don’t address them, you will face a never-ending power struggle in relationships.

Horseman Two: Contempt

Contempt consists of several nasty elements: a sense of superiority, disregard for the other person (treatment as an object) and lack of respect. Contempt aims not only to show who is right, but also to make the person we are addressing feel worthless. Experiencing contempt is a very dangerous place that should be treated in therapy, because it is where vindictiveness, envy, and often the desire for destruction reside. There is a huge difference between negatively and even maliciously judging others and circulating contempt. It contains hatred and an impact that can be compared to a fist aimed at the face.

Horseman Three: Defense

The third horseman of the apocalypse rides a pony that smells of strawberries and emits rainbows from the hole under its tail. But don’t be fooled – a defensive attitude is a form of aggression, often caused by criticism. When we feel that we have been unfairly judged, we look for methods to make the accuser withdraw. Why do we turn into an innocent victim pony? Because it works!

Scolding, silence, not accepting messages, turning everything into a joke or turning the tables are all symptoms of passive aggression. The fact that defensiveness may be the result of the other side’s offensiveness does not change the situation. In this way, both people avoid confronting the problem. An interesting version of defensiveness is to take all the blame. You’ve probably heard “yes, because I’m the worst person” or “then it’s all my fault” more than once. This may look like collaboration, but it isn’t. It takes the situation to the point of absurdity, because no one is ever responsible for everything. If he says so, it is only to avoid real responsibility. There is also a hidden double axel with derailleur – since I took all the blame, what else do you want from me? And suddenly the person who wanted to solve something, explain something, starts to be treated as an oppressor.

You won’t get along with a person who presents a defensive attitude, often supported by passive aggression. You can withdraw your expectations and demands and see if your attitude weakens, but this does not happen often, because this rider also hides a deeply wounded ego under his cloak. Only unlike previous situations, she faces her life challenges from the position of a wounded orphan and apparent agreeableness.

Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

There is no smoke without fire and there is no contempt without building walls. The English phrase “stonewalling” describes separating yourself from someone by a wall. This separating may be persistent silence, escape into work and busyness, complete withdrawal – emotionally or into substances. Gottman and other relationship therapists almost agree – as long as you are arguing, it’s your relationship still has a chance. Even relationships after betrayals or dramatic situations can be straightened out if both parties put in the work. However, if there is a wall of indifference or contempt between you, this relationship has very little chance of surviving. Building walls is also a technique. manipulation used by some disturbed personalities to force the other party to follow the orders and try to get through this wall. I have bad news: this type of personality is unlikely to go to a therapist, so if you feel that someone is constantly building a wall around themselves and every you to jump over it – move away in an organized hurry.

The biggest difficulty with the four horsemen of the apocalypse is probably the fact that you have to constantly verify your own behavior – just because I think I’m not doing something doesn’t mean that I’m not doing it. A person raised in an oppressive, cold environment may be overly critical and trigger contempt and radical judgments without even noticing it. What is a simple statement of fact for her is like a blow with a club to another person. It may also be that we were trained very hard when we were young and we react to the slightest criticism and every piece of feedback arms us with nuclear warheads. Unfortunately, riders like to travel in pairs, or even in groups, where one reaction fuels the other. And it becomes a situation straight from an apocalyptic book. It’s hard to stop if we don’t start thinking and feeling constructively around it.

What helps drive away the riders?

1. Awareness

Self-reflection is far too underrepresented in our mental processes. Assume in advance that responsibility is shared, which may introduce some humility. And then pour in a dose of soothing patience. Attention! This process must work on both sides. A relationship in which only one person strains to understand and the other person lies there and smells it will not work.

2. Communication

No relationship is complete without communication. Communication is speaking so as to be understood and listening so as to understand someone. The clearer the message, the fewer allusions and understatements, and the more emotional truth, the better for everyone. Personally and professionally, I am a believer in Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC).

3. Constructive approach to conflicts

It always amazes me that people believe that you can live together and not have conflicts. Such thinking causes fear of confrontation, arguments and inconsistencies. As a result, at the very thought of the problem, we arm ourselves with hostility or turn our ears up. Without differences and conflicts, it is impossible to imagine a living, developing system, and we must learn that people are autonomous and this does not mean the end of the world. Coming to terms with differences and learning to disagree may require rearranging the balance of power in a relationship, rethinking the foundations – and certainly require going to a corner and thinking deeply about yourself.