These unconscious behaviors can destroy your relationship. 6 valid signals

Psychologist John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and a long-time specialist in marriage therapy, has compiled a list of the most destructive behaviors that lead to the breakdown of a relationship. These stages he colloquially called “the four horsemen of the Apocalypse”. When one of them appears, it is a signal that our relationship may be in jeopardy. These are in turn:

– Criticism (permanently showing dissatisfaction with what the partner is doing, speaking negatively about him/her)

– Contempt for a partner (often this is already the stage of insults, cynicism, feeling disgust towards the other person, lack of desire to talk and save the relationship, demonstrating indifference through body language, etc.)

– Defensive posture (sending signals to the partner that he/she is the source of problems, shifting all responsibility to him/her)

– Indifference (avoiding confrontation and conflict, withdrawing, which also leads to avoiding the relationship itself, i.e. to the breakup of the relationship).

Behaviors that can unknowingly sabotage your relationship. Examples

Psychology also indicates several behaviors that may not necessarily lead to the breakup of a relationship right away, but may have a negative impact on it and gradually act to its disadvantage. Importantly, we can often behave in this way completely unconsciously, while thinking that we are doing everything correctly. Onet and Natemat.pl identified several attitudes that should be avoided:

– Avoiding confrontation so that there is no conflict. Unsaid words most often fuel our frustration. A constructive conversation based on honesty, even an argument (with respect for the partner) brings relief and strengthens the relationship and can explain many hidden things.

– Telling your partner that he or she means everything to you, that without him/her our life has no meaning. e.t.c. This sentence, while it may seem like a proof of love and devotion, is actually very overwhelming. The partner may feel very overwhelmed by such confessions and overwhelmed by the responsibility for another person’s life. For a relationship is not about being dependent on another person and forcing them to bear the burden of responsibility for our lives.

– Putting everyone and everything else above the relationship. Completely opposite attitude to the one mentioned above. Passions, hobbies, friends, family – these are extremely important spheres in the life of each of us. It’s good if we care about not being in a relationship, but the problem arises when the partner is always in second place.

– Serving the other/overkill. Of course, we are talking here about a situation in which one person assumes the role of a “servant”, fulfilling all the whims of the other person and this is in no way reciprocated when he forgets about his own needs, etc. In a relationship based on partnership, both parties take care of each other equally each other, without overshadowing their own needs.

– Pretending we don’t care. The other side of the coin, but it can be just as destructive. The constant display of lukewarm emotions, the lack of any reaction, e.g. to the partner’s flirting with another person, may seem positive (lack of jealousy, etc.), but these are only appearances. In fact, most often we want to play the role of a distant person in this way to keep control of the relationship – and we are afraid to talk openly about our true feelings.

– Constantly agreeing with the other person and giving in. The relationship should be based on partnership, so if one party consistently gives way to the other and deliberately avoids confrontation by constantly agreeing with the partner, then it means that the relationship is not going well. If it is based on reciprocity and exchange (i.e. both sides can agree and give in to each other), then there is nothing to worry about. The problem only arises when only one of the people unknowingly enters such a role.

Sources: gottman.com/psychologytoday.com/Onet.plnatemat.pl/mamadu.pl