Contrary to appearances, the statement “And we don’t argue at all” does not mean anything good, although it is of course not a rule. However, it is worth being vigilant, because it can mean an advanced state of indifference, when we simply do not want to even talk, and indifference prevailed in the relationship. Famous researcher John Gottman has spent years studying relationship dynamics and looking for clues on how to nurture lovei. The results of his observations can be very useful because they also concern the role of arguments in a relationship.
The Four Horsemen can ruin love. Watch out for them
To analyze ways to resolve conflicts, John Gottman created the “Laboratory of Love”, where study participants could feel at home, although they were under constant monitoring. Looking at couples, he identified four attitudes, the presence of which leaves no illusions that the relationship has no chance for a successful future. The arguments that spelled the end of the relationship involved the use of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and indifference. Gottman called them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Arguments can be an important element in any relationship. However, it is worth knowing how to argue in a constructive way. Arguing wisely means that we should learn how to express our emotions and needs in a way that does not offend our partner, and to listen to and understand their point of view.
AVANTI24.PL OFFERS: For more fashion inspiration, please visit
The reptilian brain tells you to bite. I understand his role
It is not easy, because in a conflict situation we act a bit originally. Our brain consists of three parts – the cerebral cortex, the mammalian brain and the oldest reptilian brain, which is responsible for generating emotional states. In a conflict, the reptilian brain goes into action first, blocking the connection to the cortical brain and thinking. To control our emotions and thinking, we must become aware of its presence, breathe deeply, and analyze the situation. In this way, we can control the influence of the reptilian brain and take the conversation more coolly. Sometimes all it takes is to put the conversation on hold for a few minutes, step out of the other room, or take deep breaths.
John Gottman, Ph.D., in his research on couples, discovered that it is important to strike a balance between positive and negative messages in an argument to ensure that relationships last. Gottman defined it as a ratio of 3 x 1, where for every negative information there should be three positive ones. How to do it? If it is possible, let’s try to weave into the conversation messages that will also be positive signals for the partner. It can even be a pat on the hand or praise of some behavior in a given context. It is very important to really listen carefully and to be here and now. In emotions, we can understand messages quite the opposite.
AVANTI24.PL OFFERS:
Can an argument be worthwhile? Yes!
Every productive conflict brings new energy. It gives satisfaction to both parties if we reach an agreement, it brings two people together and shows how much the partners care about the relationship. Gottman claims that arguments also positively affect the level of desire, thanks to shared emotions. The argument is a source of information that updates the knowledge about the partner. In this way, we communicate something about ourselves, our needs and expectations. When we argue, we can learn more about ourselves and our partner – this can bring us closer, giving us the feeling that we understand each other and that we care about our relationship because we try to fix everything that is wrong in it .
Source: Gazeta
Bruce is a talented author and journalist with a passion for entertainment . He currently works as a writer at the 247 News Agency, where he has established himself as a respected voice in the industry.
