The country where asking people about their age is a must

The first time British Joel Bennett realized that he had made a big linguistic misstep during his first trip to South Korea was when he thanked a restaurant owner for a good meal.

The owner was a woman in her 60s and Bennett, then 23, told her gomawo, which translates as a joyous “thank you” in English. He thought he was being polite.

Although Bennett didn’t know, he had used a casual and informal version of “thank you” that would have been interpreted as rude and insulting if i had been korean.

“I didn’t realize that there were so many ways to give thanks. I always thought thank you was thank you, ”said Bennett, who is now 33 years old.

But in South Korean culture, Bennett, being several decades younger than the owner of the restaurant, would be expected to have used the honorific form of the language.

Korean is a complex linguistic system with multiple levels of speech and has been described as one of the most complicated languages ​​in the world, as requires constantly assessing the age, social status and level of intimacy in the relationship with the recipient.

That is why in South Korea, shortly after meeting someone, you will invariably be asked to reveal your age.

Sharing your age or year of birth freely is not simply a social convention. It is a social contract that establishes order and hierarchy among the speakers.

And is that even a year difference can dictate everything from the way people talk to each other to the way they eat and they drink in company.

“The number one factor in determining which speech style to use is age,” explained Jieun Kiaer, professor of Korean language and linguistics at the University of Oxford.

“This is why people always ask each other their age. Not because they are necessarily interested in how old the other is, but because they really need to find the right speech style, “he added.

A fundamental question

Asking the age of someone they just met may seem like an inappropriate intrusion to some Westerners.

But to understand why age is not just a number in Korean society, you need to know the impact of neo-Confucianism.

It is an ancient ideology centered on filial piety, deference to the elderly, and social order, which ruled the country for more than 500 years throughout the Joseon Dynasty (1392-1910) and continues to dictate social norms.

“All Confucianism can be summed up in two words: humanity and ritual,” said Ro Young-chan, professor of religious studies and director of the George Mason University Center for Korean Studies in Fairfax, Virginia (United States).

Ro explained that the teachings of the Chinese philosopher Confucius (551-479 BC) emerged during a period of turmoil in Chinese history.

To restore order throughout the country, the philosopher believed that humanity could be saved by establishing a social structure based on a strict code of good manners and ceremonial rites, in which everyone had a certain role and everyone understood their place in it.

In Neo-Confucianism social harmony can be achieved by respecting the natural order within five central relationships known as oryun: king and subject; husband and wife; father and son; brother and brother; and from friend to friend.

Those who hold the leading role (father, husband, king) should be treated with respect and humility, while in return those in the lower rungs of the social hierarchy are looked after with benevolence.

But in mainstream society, when you meet someone, who is assigned the highest position and earns the respect, courtesies, and honorary formalities that go along with it?

That’s where age comes into consideration.

A complex and layered system

The Korean Honors Language System has up to seven levels of speaking and writing styles.

But everyday conversation can be divided into two: banmal, the casual and informal way; Y jondaemal, the most formal and deferential, which is generally expressed by adding the ending “I” to a sentence.

“It takes a lot of care and talk to find the right speech styles. And if the wrong one is used, it can create a lot of conflicts and a successful settlement will not be possible, “said Kiaer.

He explained that while age plays an important role in determining speech style, it is not a strict and quick rule of thumb.

There are a number of nuances and factors to consider: the context; the socioeconomic status of the speakers; the level of privacy; and whether they are in a public or private setting.

Kiaer noted that thanks to the global popularity of the Hallyu or Korean wave – palpable in the popularity of K-pop, from the movie Parasite or the recent Netflix hit “The Squid Game” – the principles are becoming easier to teach, but can still be confusing.

In fact, everything is so confusing that even native Korean speakers can get it wrong.

In a 2019 article published in the magazine Discourse and Cognition, Kiaer included more than 100 serious incidents of physical assault in South Korea between 2008 and 2017 that occurred after a conversation participant was perceived to have inappropriately delivered a speech. banmal the informal.

“The fascinating thing is that this is difficult not only for non-Koreans, but also for Koreans,” Kiaer said.

At this point in the conversation, I, a second-generation Korean Canadian with mediocre Korean language skills, went into a mild panic and went through a mental checklist of all the times that I might have offended my elders, as well as younger than me.

I brazenly took the opportunity to ask the linguistics expert a personal question: When I met my sister-in-law’s younger sister, almost 20 years my junior, was I wrong to switch to banmal a few hours after our initial meeting?

There was a pause. I realized that Kiaer was trying to tell me softly.

Although I was clearly the oldest person in this situation, she was part of my in-laws, a very particular relationship in Korean culture, and I had just met her.

Kiaer explained to me that I could have continued using jondaemal, The I should have negotiated and asked for permission to speak to her informally.

“To find the right speech style, the first step is always to negotiate. Because if you switch to another style without negotiating, that’s what makes people feel offended, “he said.

Before moving to South Korea in August, Toronto’s Delia Xu was strategic in deciding to learn Korean to avoid doing just that.

“I think it is very important to learn the formal grammatical structures, because you don’t want to sound rude by accident,” he said.

Likewise, there are a series of non-verbal gestures and behaviors that correspond to what is expected of those at the lowest rung of the social hierarchy.

In a 2016 YouTube video that has been viewed more than 1.2 million times, Bennett received a lesson in drinking etiquette in South Korea when he was in the company of older people.

The rules make you dizzy: as a show of respect, you must pour the drink with both hands; turn your head to the opposite side of the older person when you drink; never let the elderly person’s glass remain empty for long; and wait for her to put down her glass before putting yours down.

“You are not nervous, but you are aware,” Bennett said. “I’m looking at the speed at which they are drinking their beer and I’m going to match that. I make sure their glasses are full so that when we go to toast, it’s not an awkward moment. “

Xu also admits that learning the code of conduct around drinking can be overwhelming.

“It’s definitely a lot of pressure because all of a sudden you are given a lot of responsibilities. If you have a drink of alcohol and don’t look the other way, you have suddenly offended someone. It can certainly be exhausting, but I’m sure it’s something you get used to, ”he added.

At this point, it might be easy to point to the South Korean social structure as an oppressive form of both age discrimination and sexism, as women are also expected to obey and submit to their husbands, according to traditional Confucian doctrine.

But, as Bennett soon learned, the role of the older person also carries its own responsibility.

“Much of that authority has to do with serving. If I am the oldest person, who is more advanced in terms of my career and in life, I will take care of you since I am older“, He said.

In contemporary Korea, that could mean paying for the younger person’s dinner or serving as a professional and personal mentor.

Ways to show respect

• When giving and receiving money, do so with both hands.
• When in doubt, always use a polite and formal speaking style, regardless of your age.
• In general, ending sentences with “yo” and “nida” denote the polite form, jondaemal
• Add suffix him to names and titles to show respect.

It is a concept that goes back to the principle of filial piety and the honors system.

In the most intimate relationships, older friends are not called by name, but by the generic term “older sister” (loved when a woman speaks, noona for men).

Older male friends are also called “older brother” (obba for female speakers, hyung for male speakers).

“In Korea, social ethics is an extension of the family. We have to understand society as a bigger family. If you meet an older person, you treat them like your older brother or sister. It is an interesting way of looking at society, the nation and the world. That humanity is just an extension of our family, ”explained Ro.

But Ro recognizes that at some point along the way, the Confucian principle of reciprocity between senior and junior; younger and older; male and female relationships may have been lost.

Rather than mutually beneficial relationships in which respect is offered in exchange for attention and deference is given in exchange for guidance, the hierarchical system can facilitate abuse and imbalances of power.

In the Korean workplace, for example, the phenomenon of bosses harassing lower-ranking subordinates is so common that it spawned a modern term for workplace harassment called gapjil.

And when it comes to gender equality, South Korea consistently records the largest gender pay gap among the 38 member states of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD).

Furthermore, a growing backlash led by conservative men in South Korea against the feminist movement has been gaining momentum in recent years.

A modern Korean scholar, Kim Kyung-il, even called for the total disappearance of Confucianism in a controversial book titled “Confucius must die for this nation to live”.

For Ro, however, what afflicts South Korean society is not Confucianism, but a misunderstanding of it.

“Confucianism is a living tradition,” he said.

“We have to revitalize and reinterpret our traditions and make them make sense for modern society,” he continued.

Confucianism is 2,500 years old. We can’t just drop all of this. In one way or another, we are indebted to this tradition ”.