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Sexologist: Sex work puts a shadow on sex life in relationships

Sexologist: Sex work puts a shadow on sex life in relationships

– Men who use the services of sex workers often take drugs or boosters before the visit, so as not to feel remorse for cheating on their partners. Professionally having sex under the influence of these substances is called chemsex. This makes them aggressive and unpredictable. And such situations can cause acute fear, says sexologist Andrzej Gry¿ewski.

Natalia Kondratiuk-Świerubska, Woman.gazeta.pl: Some time ago, Gazeta.pl published a report about sex workers satisfied with their work and life situation. Do you know of people who are not so happy anymore?

Andrzej Gryżewski, sexologist, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist: Yes, I meet such people every day at my Institute. At the outset, I must make it clear that I can only speak about my experience in the office. I don’t know all the cases, so I’m not talking about the whole environment.

What problems do sex workers report to a sexologist?

They usually result from their profession. Most often sex workers come to me because they suffer from sexual dysfunctions. Women often experience dyspareunia, a condition that is associated with pain during intercourse or with impaired lubrication, i.e. vaginal dryness. I wrote more about it in the book “The Art of Vagina Care”.

What is the cause of this problem?

The sex worker takes on many clients and most of them are not sexually attractive to her. There are gentlemen with whom such a woman, if she had a choice, would not go to bed. These are men who do not care about personal hygiene, have visible missing teeth, not to mention obesity. A large percentage of customers come in under the influence of alcohol. This causes anxiety about the non-invasive course of intercourse. In such cases, the arousal is significantly less or does not occur at all. So there is no lubrication of the vagina, which leads to pain during intercourse. And often even those sex workers who are satisfied with their work have to face such a problem. During visits to the office, they look for means or methods that could somehow help them.

Another reason is security issues. Men who use the services of sex workers often take drugs or legal highs before the visit, so as not to feel remorse for cheating on their partners. Professionally having sex under their influence is called chemsex. This makes them aggressive and unpredictable. And these types of situations can cause overwhelming fear. The woman begins to think how to play it so that nothing happens to her. This also affects the painfulness of intercourse and difficulties with arousal.

And how does this ailment affect sex outside of work?

From the perspective of clinical experience from the office, I see that, unfortunately, sex work does indeed cast a shadow on the sex life in relationships. Many of my patients are women who are in stable relationships. And when, for example, their partners see that they use lubricant because there was pain during intercourse, they start to wonder if they really give them pleasure or arousal.

However, many people are not discouraged by such situations from this work.

Exactly, despite these unpleasant consequences, they still want to do it. That is why many of them report to a sexologist at some point.

Why do you think they don’t want to break up with it?

I have noticed that some are convinced that they cannot do anything else and will not find another job. There are also those who claim that such work provides a good pay in relation to the commitment. For example – one of my patients no longer works during the day. He only goes to night meetings. For each such visit, he earns over PLN 2,000. So she assumes that four such services a month are enough for her to earn a minimum of eight thousand.

It also happens that women have private motivations. For example, a problem has arisen in the relationship with her father or stepfather and she has been waging an internal war with him for years. At work, she wants to humiliate men, because she needs it mentally. They feel empowered and powerful. There are also women with hypersexuality, that is, in the old nomenclature, a nymphomaniac. Very often in the past they have been sexually abused and this is how they deal with this trauma. So sex work responds to their needs.

People who have left this profession are often very critical of it. In preparation for our interview, I found profiles of former sex workers on social media who are now criticizing and warning against entering this environment.

From my observations, this is a matter of individual experience. I noticed that they can vary not only depending on the city, but also the district in which someone works. For example, sex workers who provide services in Warsaw’s Praga district are more likely to experience violent situations than those working in Żoliborz.

What might this violence look like?

As I mentioned, some clients appear under the influence of various legal highs, that is, they want to have chemsex. So earlier they drink alcohol or take drugs to enhance their sexual experience. Such gentlemen can be dangerous because they do not follow any rules. It happens that they demand sex without a condom, and during the intercourse there is violence – for example suffocation, arm twisting or beating.

Some sex workers leave this job because of men.

When the “prince” appears, the woman is ready to change her whole life for him. A new partner takes her out of this world. And often at the beginning it seems to both parties that everything will be perfect. They get along well in bed. In addition, the partner knows about the woman’s past and accepts it all, supports her financially and emotionally.

However, things don’t always go well. I met cases where after a few months it turned out that the “prince” used the services of sex workers again and kept it a secret from his partner. And she learned about everything from colleagues from the former industry. Women who are in this situation often seek help from a sexologist. They want to find out if something can be done about their partner’s sex addiction. This is a serious problem for them. I’ve worked with such women. I remember that they experienced it very much, because they had previously changed their whole lives for these men. Sex workers also tell me that adrenaline and novelty excites them at work, but they often don’t experience that in a relationship, and then they come to me for partner therapy with their husband.

Perhaps it’s a stereotype, but doing such work, especially at the very beginning, seems very difficult.

I have noticed that sex workers often explain this to themselves by saying that they are extremely resourceful. For them, the fact that they find themselves in this profession and earn good money is a sign of cunning and entrepreneurship. Sometimes there is also the argument that what they do is no different from marital prostitution.

What is this phenomenon?

We are talking about cases where one of the parties gives themselves to a partner in exchange for maintenance or gifts. More than once in the office I hear that the wife agreed to anal sex because he promised to buy her a new iPhone. However, the very phenomenon of marital prostitution is quite difficult to define, because here the border is very thin. In my opinion, this can be, for example, a situation where profit is the sole reason for getting closer to a partner. And without it, there is no sex.

Stories of sex workers who are satisfied with their jobs may sound encouraging to some. At the end of our conversation, I would like to ask who, in your opinion, should not decide to pursue such a profession?

In my opinion, people who have a small network of supportive social contacts should definitely not get involved. For example, if a woman is a sex worker and has no relatives or no one around her knows about her work, she has no one to talk to honestly about her experiences and emotions. And this is necessary to work through some issues. Each of us needs such a conversation sometimes, because problems happen even in the best job. In a situation where such a woman begins to cope on her own, she may fall into shopaholism or addiction to drugs or drugs. In my opinion, if we don’t have such a support group in our immediate surroundings, it’s really worth seriously considering whether we really want to join it.

Andrzej Gryżewski, sexologist, clinical psychologist, psychotherapist Private archive

Andrzej Gryżewski – Clinical psychologist, sexologist, cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist (CBT), certified sex educator, schema therapist. Founder of the Institute of Psychotherapy and Sexology “Arte Vita”. Author of best-selling books, including “The art of handling the penis” and “Unlovable. Fear of intimacy”. He gave numerous lectures on sexology and psychology at SWPS, the University of Warsaw and the Medical University of Warsaw. Member of the Polish Society of Sexology, Polish Society of Cognitive and Behavioral Therapy and a member of the Literary Union. An expert in broadcasts and television programs devoted to human sexuality. Co-author of the podcast “Dialogues of the Vagina and the Penis”.

Source: Gazeta

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