There are people who never have everything, thank God. And even if there are no visible reasons for sadness, they still feel very unhappy. According to psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, it is possible to cope with this condition.
In his Telegram channel, he writes that we are not talking about a ban on the expression of emotions. Suppressing emotions is bad. However, one should not slide into the state of “how poor and unhappy I am, why everyone offends me,” the expert noted, adding that it is better to try to figure out the reasons for the appearance of self-pity.
The psychologist notes that most often a feeling of internal injustice appears as a response to stress. For example, if you are yelled at at work. In such a situation, it is absolutely natural to feel annoyance, pain, perhaps in your mind even to think about what kind of boss is a “goat”. For a healthy person, this is all over. He will live the situation, draw conclusions from it and let go of the problem.
But for neurotics, things work a little differently. In his head, he will repeat this episode again and again, think about the words of the boss and drown in self-pity. However, self-pity is a destructive emotion that harms the psyche. It is behind her that attitudes like “I’m too stupid”, “I won’t succeed”, “I don’t deserve better” come.
The process itself, when you gnaw yourself, is just a defense of the psyche, Labkovsky explained. If this protection is removed, you will have to work on yourself, and you often do not want to do this. This is a phenomenon of secondary benefit: a person seems to be criticizing himself, but in fact it is beneficial for him to belittle himself.
Another vivid example of this behavior is adults over 20 years old, people who live with their parents and tell everyone in a row about how terrible it is, how they are commanded and pushed around. However, to the question: “Why don’t you just move out?” – they begin to say something like: “The parents will not survive this, we are one family.” But in fact, the reason is not in family ties. Just living like this is very convenient: you don’t have to pay for housing, you don’t have to do laundry and clean up. It’s easier to continue living like this, not forgetting to complain to friends from time to time. And they will regret it – and thereby feed the feeling of self-pity.
You can get rid of this only through work on yourself.
According to Labkovsky, learned helplessness is a regression to childhood and a psychological defense. How to overcome it? The psychologist talks about three steps:
1. Take responsibility. For yourself and your well-being. Remember: no one will come to rescue you. Yes, you can ask for help, but this does not mean that they will leave an abusive relationship for you, quit an unloved job, and so on. You can even be given money, but does this mean that you will have a happy life? It will appear only when you yourself make an effort and move.
2. Identify your “stalker”. Think about whether you are being haunted by an inner voice that endlessly takes out your brain: “You are a rag,” “you have no talents,” “look at yourself, you are a worthless person.” If so, track exactly whose tone he speaks – moms / dads / aunts and so on, and understand when and where these attitudes came from.
3. Understand why it is beneficial for you to suffer. Being unhappy is very convenient. There will always be someone compassionate who will pat on the head and sympathize. Like, “she gets sick so often, no need to load her with extra work.”
“Learn – and even if not immediately, but you can take control of life into your own hands,” the expert concluded.
Source: Rosbalt
Mario Twitchell is an accomplished author and journalist, known for his insightful and thought-provoking writing on a wide range of topics including general and opinion. He currently works as a writer at 247 news agency, where he has established himself as a respected voice in the industry.
