The fascination with the idea of the “perfect person” extends across time and cultures. Why do some people continue to believe that the ideal partner can be found?
Hannah Miller says that she has always believed in soul mates.
She remembers that when she was a child she heard that seahorses have only one partner for life. The idea that there could also be only one person for her, delighted her.
When he was 10 years old, he was introduced to Sam, a friend of his sister, on a group outing to a theme park.
She remembers him holding her hand in the most terrifying attractions, while her sister teased her by telling her that they were getting married.
“I’m a little embarrassed, but I fell madly in love that day”, says Miller, who is 45 years old and lives in the United Kingdom.
“The following Monday, on the school bus, I told all my friends about that boy, older than me, who held my hand.”
He didn’t cross paths with that boy again until he was 18 years old. But from there, things went fast.
Weeks later, Sam told Hannah that he was falling in love, and before she was 20, they were married.
“I felt like we got engaged quickly. But we were meant to be together, so, why wait?”, he points out.
“We knew there was no reason not to get married, because we were soul mates.”
A brief history of soul mates
A staggering number of people believe in soulmates, according to a 2021 survey of Americans. But it is an idea that is also present in other cultures.
There are many reasons why people are hopeful that their ideal person is out there somewhere.
In fact, in the last 50 yearsthe popularity of the idea has only increased.
Experts say that the belief in soul mates is deeply rooted in our personal circumstances and psychology, but those who think they’re fated to find it may be condemning their relationships from the start.
the greek philosopher Plato he wrote that humans once had four arms, four legs, and two faces.
He explained that Zeus split us in half as punishment for our pride and that we were Destined to walk the Earth in search of our other half.
Our understanding of love and relationships may have evolved as early as 385 B.C. C., when Plato wrote Symposium, but the idea of having “another half” still exists for many and has endured in many cultures throughout history.
Some Hindu traditions hold the idea that people have a karmic connection with certain souls. And in Yiddish there is a term for the ideal or predestined marriage partner; it is called Bashertwhich loosely translates to destiny.
The 13th-century Persian poet and Islamic scholar Rumi put forward the idea that it is not that lovers finally meet, but that somehow they are in each other all the time.
And from Romeo and Juliet to Heathcliff and Cathy, Western literature is replete with examples of lovers who were meant to be together.
But while the soulmate concept may have been around for thousands of years, the actual term was probably only introduced in the 19th century.
The “decade of me”
The first record of its use dates back to 1822. The poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote in a letter: “To be happy in married life… you must have a soul mate.”
Coleridge’s love life was an unhappy one: he married mainly because of the social pressures of the time and spent most of the union away from his wife, before they eventually parted ways for good.
However, despite Coleridge’s inability to find a true soulmate, the idea persisted and skyrocketed in popularity, especially in recent decades.
Brad Wilcox, a sociology professor and director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, has noted that the idea of soul mates started to become more appealing in the 1970s.
Then came what he calls the “decade of the self” and a culture of individualism changed our approach to relationshipsit says.
“People are now more likely to seek relationships that make them happy and fulfilling,” he says.
“It has also been facilitated by unprecedented prosperity in the West, which made people less reliant on marriage for economic survival.
“There was a shift in focus, from a pragmatic marriage to a more expressive, soulmate marriage, where people’s expectations are more psychological and less material.”
The enduring nature of myth
There are many reasons to be skeptical of the idea that there is someone perfect predestined for you.
After all, most people find a partner without going too far looking.
For example, most Americans marry someone from the same state they live in, and 43% marry someone with who went to high school or college.
On a planet of nearly 8 billion people, it’s quite a coincidence that so many people’s soulmates have been in the next room.
However, the idea of a soulmate continues to persist in many societies and times: what is it about the concept of “the perfect person” that people continue to find it so irresistible?
Bradley Onishi, an associate professor of religion at Skidmore College in the United States, has used his experience and knowledge of the history of ideas to try to understand the nature that perpetuates the soul mate mythology.
He believes that there is something innate in our desire to believe in him.
“The soulmate myth promises fulfillment,” says Onishi.
“It tells us that the isolation and loneliness that are so often part of the human experience they are only temporarythat one day there will be a ‘and they lived happily ever after’ in which we will be united to a person who understands us on all levels, protects us from harm and gives meaning to our lives.
The expert points out that, for many of us, believing in a soul mate is a way to build a cohesive narrative out of the often chaotic and unpredictable experience of searching for love.
“The soulmate myth is really good at taking all the bad first dates, the breakups, the dashed hopes, and the disappointments and putting them into a story that says, ‘One day this will all fall into place.’”indicates.
This is particularly true when it comes to modern dating, perhaps explaining how the idea of the soulmate has evolved over time.
In recent years, the term “twin flame” has gained popularity. It’s a more spiritual way of understanding the idea that there could be someone you’re just supposed to be with.
“We live in a time of overwhelming political, environmental and social uncertainty,” explains Onishi. “The myth of the soulmate promises that amidst the dizzying and often confusing landscape of dating apps, there is one coincidence that will make sense of it all. promise an anchor for modern life that many find attractive.
Practical expectations?
However, in practice, searching for a soulmate may not be the best approach.
“The marriages between soulmates are more fragile because feelings fluctuate,” says Wilcox. “Having a less soulmate-based approach is linked to more stability.”
Research on hundreds of relationships has shown that expecting to find a soul mate actually leads to dysfunctional behavior patterns and even makes you more likely to break up with your partner.
This is because people who believe in soul mates tend to have what is known as a “destiny” mentality.
Since they are waiting for the perfect person, they are more likely to doubt their relationship or see a mishap along the way as a deal breaker: maybe this wasn’t the person after all.
On the other hand, soulmate skeptics tend to have a “growth” mindset. They believe that relationships require work and commitment, and they are motivated to find solutions to problems.
“The expectation that something will be instantly and eternally perfect only leads to disappointment and resentmentbecause this is just not realistic,” says Ruth Micallef, a registered counselor with the British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy, who works with many clients experiencing relationship problems.
“Some of the most successful relationships are couples who have spent years supporting each other through all the personal changes they are going through, and never expecting the other to be ‘perfect’ or their ‘everything.’”
The idea of finding your soul mate can be a balm after a bad date, or create a sense of structure and narrative for your own love story.
But ultimately, believing you’ve found your soul mate may not be a good thing, and experts say you certainly shouldn’t worry about searching for one.
“None of us is perfect, neither you nor your future partner,” says Wilcox.
“So focus on the non-negotiables: the virtues that will underpin a good marriage, shared values, and some common interests. But don’t expect to check all the boxes with a future spouseunless you want to be single or permanently single.
However, for some it seems that it works for them to believe in the soulmate. Hannah has been married to Sam for 23 years and they have three children.
“It might as well be what I’m most proud of,” he says of their relationship. “So much of life is uncertain, but I can say with confidence that we have grown together and will continue to grow old together, soul mates forever.” (I)
Source: Eluniverso
Paul is a talented author and journalist with a passion for entertainment and general news. He currently works as a writer at the 247 News Agency, where he has established herself as a respected voice in the industry.
