Building a family free of violence

Between January and May 2021, Tensions decreased in Ecuadorian households, “less in those with children and adolescents.” This was one of the complex conclusions of the Unicef ​​Encovid-EC survey (Survey on household well-being in the face of the COVID-19 pandemic in Ecuador).

Why precisely in homes with children? The answer is complicated. Domestic violence is the ‘tip of the skein’ of all the person’s problemssays Solange Blum, master’s degree in prevention and treatment of family violence.

First, it is necessary to learn to identify the different types of violence. There is physics, which leaves visible signs. But also psychological abuse, made up of expressions and attitudes that hide behind excuses. “Everyone already knows me, I’m like that.” “My children bring out the worst in me.”

“No one brings out the worst in anyone, everyone brings out what they have inside,” says Blum, who is director general for Ecuador of the international organization Focus on the Family.

Violence in households with children is worrying because violence is a learned response. The behavior patterns learned at home tend to be replicated in the child who sees that situations are resolved by hitting, yelling or by leaving the home.

One is not safe for thinking that when he has his house he will never allow the same thing to happen. Formulating that wish is not enough, because in reality, in a conflict situation, you will repeat the learned pattern for not having a positive behavior with which to replace it.

This leads to the third point: New healthy ways of relating must be established. Or as Blum puts it: “In your mind you should replace (violent behavior) with behavior that you do want to promote when you’re in trouble.”

Identify types of violence

Having a family crisis is not the same as having family violence. In the first there are disagreements, accompanied by moments of anger. In the second, the emotion that prevails, Blum points out, is fear.

Physical violence is the best known, anyone identifies a blow, as indicated by the Unicef ​​guide against this phenomenon. “Pitifully, In Ecuador, every 72 hours a woman dies at the hands of her spouse”, informs the counselor. Along with physical violence is sexual abuse, which can be with and without physical contact.

“In violence, a single person (the aggressive one) can speak, because he thinks he is right.”

Solange Blum, family counselor

Also appears the psychological violence, whose effects can be for life. The complaints, the shouts, the criticism, the sarcasm, the permanent anger, the absence of tenderness, the insults; but also isolating oneself from problems, looking for blame and not assuming responsibility. Using parental alienation (putting the children against one of the parents). Neglecting the needs of children and older adults.

Blum asks not to normalize violence, establishing a healthy relationship in which the other’s opinion is heard and valued, tenderness is expressed through hugs.

Building a healthy family

It is not necessary to have a nuclear or traditional family to expect a healthy home environment. A single parent home doesn’t have to be dysfunctionalBlum adds. “A dysfunctional family can have a father, a mother and children, without being healthy.”

What is needed, adds the family counselor, is to create a family culture of love, where all members feel safe.

• See the other as a gift. “What do you do with a gift you like? You treasure it, you give thanks.” Seeing the virtues of the other and saying it out loud, while hiding the flaws (not violence) is important. At home, acceptance must be worked on.
• Invest your time. Blum recommends save energy to share at homevalidating the emotions of others.
• Show affection and tenderness. “Many times we are affectionate with those from outside and hard with those at home; if we hugged more, the conflicts in the home would decrease considerably; sometimes the only thing we need is to know that we have the other”.
• Set clear boundaries, known to all members. “When children are young, the limits are set by their parents. But when the children grow up and become adolescents and young people, you agree with them the limits and their consequences, so that we can function as a family”. These agreements must point to the co-responsibility of the home. “In this house we don’t yell at each otherwe do not stop with the word in the mouth, we listen to each other”.
• Extend forgiveness. “Although we don’t want to, sometimes we are going to hurt the other. I need to forgive to walk without burdens, to walk lightly”.
• I listened. “Sometimes, in the workshops, they ask me: ‘How long will I have to listen?‘. Until you understand the other’s point of view.”

• Be nice. “We should ask ourselves this question: is it nice to live with me?”. If the answer is no, you have to work on everything that is needed. How?

Orientation or motivation talks are a good tool, an awakening. But if it becomes difficult to find the solution on your own, it is time to seek professional guidance. Blum recommends engaging in the process to see changes in life. The professional will teach you how to change from a harmful relationship pattern to a healthy one. The work is aimed at seeing where anger or fear comes from, to read the signals in the body and to manage emotions, which are the basis for changing behavior.

What happens if the other does not want to go to therapy? In cases of family crisis, says Blum, with one person working with a professional there can be changes. But when there is violence, it is different. When there is risk for people in the home, it is best to make a therapeutic separation, so that the one who attacks can work on himself, correct his way of relating and then reunite with his family.

“The most dangerous thing about violence is that it escalates. Today is an elbow. Tomorrow, a push. Past, a fist”. And the other danger is the shame of acknowledging that abuse is experienced. “Seek help from the beginning, because then there is a better chance that you can get ahead as a family. It is imperative to seek help.”

Where to look for help?

Indeed, shame is a weighty element. “For most survivors of violence, it is very difficult to recognize and talk about the violence they experienced, and they carry feelings of guilt and shame,” says Estefanía Paz, a psychologist at the comprehensive care for gender-based violence at the Ecuadorian Center for the Promotion and Action of Guayaquil Women (Cepam).

One of Cepam’s purposes is to welcome victims and provide them with timely and pertinent support and guidance, and maintain quality care and warmth in all its spaces, as well as carry out prevention and rights promotion campaigns.

The psychologist Paz alleges that the forms of abuse are not homogeneous, each case and the ways of dealing with it are different. But in general, she works with survivors on the issue of their rights, so that they can identify and recognize the violence they have experienced, develop emotional resources that allow them to leave a violent relationship and see changes at the social, family and educational level. “And locate the necessary support networks for the victim.”

You can also help by validating the testimony of the person who is a victim of violence, without reinforcing ideas that may lead them to regret reporting or leaving the abusive relationship. Provide information and guidance on places where you can go if you need help. If it’s someone from your close circle, be a support network: listen, and if possible, provide shelter.

In addition to the above, if you identify that a girl or boy is experiencing violence or witnesses it at home, it would be important to talk to the family. And thus be able to identify someone who can be a protective agent and take the necessary measures to prevent the violence from continuing.

We want a healthy family: learning before getting married

If you and your partner are thinking of getting married, Blum advises do not underestimate premarital courses. They are not a mere procedure. It could be the way to discover relationship patterns and conflict resolution, and to guide communication, so that in the face of any crisis, the family grows.

“We have to be very responsible with premaritals, out of a genuine desire to learn.” One of those learnings is the temperament of the person one is going to marry. From the courtship you can see that someone is angry, jealous or insecure. “Falling in love leads us to apologize or to think that we are going to change it. That doesn’t happen. She aggravates”.

What if it is discovered that the other person is not ready to overcome their personal problems? “Sometimes it’s better to take a step back.”

The cycle of violence

1. The Calm down. Everything is fine, there is no negative energy.
2. The accumulation of tension. Everyone is waiting for the moment when the violent person breaks out, while the other tries to calm him down.
3. The explosion. This is where acute abuse occurs.
4. The guilt, repentance. The victim expresses that she does not want to live like this, and the perpetrator justifies himself, blames others for her explosion and makes promises. It will never happen again. He becomes very tame.
5. honeymoon or reconciliation. There is a deep hope that things will change, and everything begins again.

The constant repetition of these patterns characterizes the family that has violent behavior. (F)