Heartbreak and spite in social networks: a risky combination

In 2014, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got marriedat a wedding that the newspaper New York Times described as “a historic storm of celebrities.” In February 2021, Kardashian filed for divorce, and although at first it seemed to be a mutual separation, it soon became clear that it was not, and this happened through the same means that previously served to exhibit their family happiness: social networks.

What has happened during the last year is something that the portal Infobae called last February 14 “harassment and takedown, or Kanye’s desperate posts to get Kim back.” The rapper alternately appealed for divine help, proclaimed his love his still wife and children, and threatened her new partner, comedian Pete Davidson.

Why would people, even if they are very famous, want to bring their painful family issues to a level of exposure as high as that of social networks? Clinical psychologist Jorge Luis Escobar He explains that before the appearance of these platforms, family problems were handled as secrets until one decided to expose them to the neighborhood and the family, as a way of revealing a reality. “With the advent of social networks, these old vices were amplified with a magnifying glass.” What does the one who accuses the other look for in their online profiles?

Revenge. “That the other experience the same as me, which is impossible” (it is worse). First, because on social networks, 80% of what is seen is fiction. Then because the readings, assumptions and interpretations of acquaintances and strangers increase the exposure in all directions. “Ventilating and exposing the other to public ridicule multiplies the harmful effect on the family environment.” In societies like ours, there is a high level of inconsistency, the interpretation is made up of assumptions, says Escobar. “We communicate our assumptions more than the reality.”

Acceptance. “People want to be accepted.” Before, it was believed that publishing at every moment how well one is having a good time or how happy one feels has to do with high self-esteem. “No,” warns the psychologist. “The one who seeks to be accepted, recognized or validated by society, recognizes that he has a weakness in his development and self-esteem.”

What we need to look for is self-recognition. But the media person lives by what people say, and cannot develop self-esteem. “Pretending that I am fine so that the other does not feel that he has power is a bad habit that we have had since we were kids: Tell him that I’m fine, that I’ve never been better. That is to say: ‘I can live without you’, when you always could”. Dependence and emotional immaturity are also transferred to social networks.

Solutions in the right context

“The right thing is Solve family first. A trial is not sought, but solutions”, specifies Escobar. You have to be self-sufficient to resolve the conflict or seek professional advice, and not wait for someone from the public to give an answer or become a judge of the person who would have done the damage. “The idea is to learn from experience. Do not hurt or damage more than they have already done”, is Escobar’s opinion.

And if there is violence of any kind, that is resolved through legal channels. It is impossible to want to make this kind of thing transparent via social networks. “There is a motto that says: The more you lighten, the more you darken.”

Then there is the role of following, rating, approving and commenting on posts. Refrain from doing it. “Are you a couples therapist, are you going to side with one side or the other? All this is the reflection of a society in recomposition or in great decomposition”.

Violence that is obvious

But not only differences or infidelities reach the screens. It is more and more common to know situations of violence through social networks. “The information transcends, it becomes viral, exposing each one of those involved, without the possibility of being heard or seen as subjects; they become objects to be squandered as the case may be”, says clinical psychologist Mariela Urrutia Orozcomaster’s degree in psychoanalytic psychotherapy.

When a video, photo, audio or video call is uploaded, what can happen is uncontrollable, “each user feels they have the right to express their opinion and also attack whoever they consider responsible for the violence.” Thus begins the virtual lynching, continues Urrutia, because hidden behind the screens it is easier to be violent, there is no corporeality that shows its face on the exposed expressions; “it is attacked from anonymity”.

Generally, violence begins in the family nucleus, between people who have been victims of violence in their childhood and adolescence“because what is not worked on, is repeated”, and condemns them to repeat family patterns until someone breaks the cycle of violence, “which is quite difficult, not impossible, due to the personality characteristics of each one, such as the low self-esteem, feelings of helplessness, codependency, financial dependency, religion, family pressure.”

How can you help in cases of violence?

Here, Urrutia lists: validate the situation, believe the victim, listen, accompany and strengthen her to report the fact legally or to leave the silence and doubts by distancing yourself from the aggressor.

go to therapy or psychotherapy to work on the unconscious causes, “but above all so as not to repeat patterns and break the cycle of violence, and so that it is not repeated by the children, if any”.

The ways of bonding and relating to others, as well as partner choices, have roots in the unconscious. The good news is that although this predisposes us, it does not determine us. “Each one can choose and decide consciously what they want for their life and the type of partner or relationship you want in the future, working on it now”.

children’s look

Some of the conflicts that are overexposed on the networks involve photos of children whose custody is in dispute. From what age are children especially sensitive and capable of perceiving fights between their parents? From the first months, indicates the clinical psychologist María Fernanda Man Ging.

“Consciousness begins to develop from the first months of life, and acquires an increasingly complex ability to react to manifestations of the outside world and distinguish between pleasant and unpleasant stimuli.”

With children who don’t speak, it’s hard to know if they understand what’s going on, but the body can already perceive stressful environments, such as when there is a fight, from 6 months of age, causing an imbalance in stress-related hormones. “And if this happens continuously, it can have long-term consequences on health, cognitive development and relationships.”

The little boy understands and suffers. The younger you are, the more vulnerableMan Ging says. “As the child grows, he better processes the information he receives from the outside and it is possible for him to externalize, in a more obvious way, how the conflict affects him, so that adults can attend to his needs more quickly and with more resources.”

Separating parents should talk about the shared parenting, because their role as parents continues. If they cannot reach an agreement on their own, they may require the intervention of a mediator.

Analyze if you can manage your own emotions when talking about the subject, advises the psychologist. “Their attitudes and behaviors will help the child to self-regulate and navigate the separation in a healthy way. If any of the parents perceives himself hurt, terrified, irritable, he must first attend to said discomfort.

Consider the age of the child. The little ones require short and clear explanationswith understandable and affectionate words, with special emphasis on the new distributions of spaces, outings and shared time.

From the age of five, children often ask for more information to understand the reasons, being very common that they assume some responsibility for the separation, feel guilt or have conflicts of loyalty, so parents should pay more attention to the affective components.

If the child is in puberty or adolescence, he is probably able to understand separation as a couple issue.

“Regardless of age, the personality of the children is also important,” recalls Man Ging. Some will take it easy, others will ask multiple questions, express their emotions more widely or, on the contrary, take time to assimilate the information and react.

Based on what you know about your children, be prepared to support, wait, have further conversations, or seek outside help.

What to do if the children take sides for one of the two? The children notice and compare the attitudes, behaviors, treatment, the time that each parent dedicates to them and displays of affection and validation. Depending on that, they may feel more comfortable with one of their parents.

Children are not weapons or trophies in the fight between parents. Avoid bias by sharing responsibilities and adopting the co-parenting. “It is the exercise of parent-child love, in which the well-being of the children is prioritized, based on the care and contact of the parents, without factions and without a peripheral or secondary figure.”

When agreements are not possible, external intervention, in many cases legal, may be necessary.

And those disagreements can start from direct criticism of one of the parents, or from telling marital details that motivated the separation. When this is done, the child’s perception of reality is altered and feelings of sadness, anger, shame and anxiety are generated.

It has become common to see one (or both) conflicting parents exposing themselves along with their children, to prove their bond. But it is not seen that the more media is the person who makes the publication, the greater the risk to the integrity and dignity of the minor. Intimate and family information becomes public domain without the child’s consent, and could be used to intentionally cause harm, be it physical (retaliation, kidnapping, abuse) or psychological (manipulation, harassment).

“Responsible parenting is not measured by the number of photos, stories or videos published on social networks”, summarizes the psychologist. “Also, taking care of children from overexposure is another way to show them respect and affection.” (F)