How to support someone going through a divorce?

According to a 2013 study led by Rose McDermott, an academic at Brown University, If people in your close social network get divorced, the risk of your marriage ending increases considerably. In part, this may explain why those in marital crisis find themselves abandoned by those closest and dearest to them. But nevertheless, the disappearance of loved ones can also be because they simply do not know how to help.

Experts say that there are many ways to help those affected by shame, shock and economic panic separation or divorce, from grand gestures to small acts of kindness.

Listen… over and over

Although it’s often assumed that those in early separation need space, Ashley Mead, a New York-based psychotherapist who specializes in divorce, recommends connection. However, listening and attending to these situations requires delicacy.

“The divorced they are losing the person with whom they have been most connected in their entire life”, explained Mead via email. “They are often desperate and feel incredible shame”.

“Introduce yourself,” added Mead, who recommends refrain from offering advice, suggestions or any phrase that can express something like “I told you so”. If you don’t know what to say, try this: “I know I can’t fix it, but I’m here to help.”. “We have a tendency to want to fix the negative situations that our friends experience, but seeking to cheer someone up is often about soothing our own discomfort and it does not help those who try to ease difficult emotions.”

Erika Anne Englund, a divorce mediator who works in Sacramento, California, says we should “be the kind of listener who helps people come to their own conclusions: Make sure your friend has a place to blow off steam, cry, laugh, and think out loud.”

“Don’t stop inviting your divorced friends to parties just because they’re single, and call them around the holidays even years after the divorce is overEnglund said.

For those who question their conversation skills, being a good listener doesn’t require nonstop chatter. Watching a movie together can be very comforting, just like talking while walking. “Do not speak ill of anyone, do not try to encourage too much or try to solve problems” said Abby Medcalf, a psychologist in Berkeley, California, and founder of the “Relationships Made Easy” podcast.

“Connect with the feeling, not the situation,” Medcalf said. “Ask, what makes you the saddest, the angriest, the most fearful?”. “So, listen well, with all your attention,” she added.

Offer help, or just validate

Divorce often means that driving a carpool, paying the bills, and many other requirements of daily life now fall to one person, not two.

“Divorce is a great transformation in life. Helping with details can have a lasting impact”, opined Mandy Walker, a divorce counselor and mediator in Boulder, Colorado.

Are you looking for creative ways to offer support? Consider what social skills you might have. Can you babysit one night a week? Can you edit a resume? Do you know anything about car repair? Are you skilled? If you can’t offer your own skills, it might be helpful to put together a list of people you know can contribute.

Feelings of grief and loss after a separation or divorce are a normal part of the healing process.. There is a timeline for recovery from divorce, Medcalf said, and tracking gradual changes in feelings can be helpful if a divorced friend or family member is too distraught to see improvement. “The most generous thing you can do is to put aside your own fear of strong feelings and gradually lead people away from despair.“, he pointed.