How the couple’s ‘coming out’ affects

“I love another person”. Hearing this phrase from the couple’s mouth is a shock that destroys trust and life projects. This also runs when a man does not go for another woman, but for another man. Or when the woman decides to share her life with another woman in the future.

“It affects on a very deep level,” says German life and sex counselor Dagmar K. Raimund, who offers online consultations for women whose husbands came out saying they were gay.

By her account, women who seek advice from her it hurts especially “that the man not only distances himself from his wife, but also from the feminine in general”. On the other hand, he adds that for most of them it is also very hard that almost no one understands what they are going through.

This is true regardless of sex: both women and men live the coming out of your partner after years of heterosexual relationship together as a huge challenge and a life crisis, according to a study conducted for the German Lesbian and Gay Association (LDVD).

Couples, children, parents and siblings were questioned about how they lived and made a late declaration of homosexuality.

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According to the survey, the greatest burden fell on couples. To anger and mourning, despair and sadness is added “not knowing if the whole relationship was just an alibi, the impotence of not being able to ‘fight’ for the relationship and the feelings of guilt in relation to the homosexuality of the other ”.

When it comes to a declaration of homosexuality, the key is usually who the person is who says they love a man as a man or a woman as a woman. Compared to previous decades, society is much more open and accepting of homosexuality better.

There is still a lack of support for men who are faced with the ‘coming out’ of their partner.

“But the wives of men who declare homosexuality are hardly taken into account, just like before ”, says the German Kundri Böhmer-Bauer, who went through this situation in the 90s.

According to her account, she was “very happily” married to her husband for seven years. “We were considered an exemplary couple“, Add. However, she knew that he had been in a relationship with another man before. “But he said that this was a past stage,” he says. However, it was not. “I think I sensed it even before him,” says Böhmer-Bauer.

A video that closes ahead of time on the phone, an open chat in a homosexual forum… From a distance, everything seems clear. But some couples are completely taken by surprise by the revelation of their partner.

“It is difficult for them to recognize and forgive themselves that they did not realize before”Says Dagmar K. Raimund. Especially since many couples initially deny having had sex with someone of the same sex or wanting to do so.

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According to Sharon Rieck of the German initiative Tangiert, a self-help group for women whose partners are gay or bisexual, many people try to keep the look of the perfect family.

The reasons are very diverse: religious, fear of stigmatization, the desire for a stable environment and insecurity, but also narcissistic character traits.

“Almost every week I get a call from a woman,” says Sharon Rieck, who coordinates the group throughout Germany. He states that there are several regional groups, but that a closed Facebook group for sharing experiences also works well.

In contrast, there are hardly any similar offers for men. While women created online platforms and networks, there is still a lack of support for men who are confronted with the coming out of his partner, according to the authors of the study for the LSVD project “Homosexuality and families”. Sharon Rieck says that some call Tangiert because “they don’t know who else to turn to.”

Friends and family are not always helpful. Kundri Böhmer-Bauer recalls the reactions full of rejection when she separated from her husband 30 years ago after his coming out of his closet. “They told me that I had failed as a woman,” she recalls. Even they suggested that he move to another city so that no one would find out what happened.

Dagmar K. Raimund says that it is still a typical reaction to look for causes in the relationship. “Most people believe that a man who has a wife and children cannot be homosexual.”, He says. And if so, it is believed that “it is about deficits in the sexuality of marriage.”

The couple in tatters, the insensitive reactions of the environment: many affected feel victims and are filled with feelings of guilt, according to Raimund. “While this is absolutely understandable, you should still try to find your way out of that place,” he says. The lower the emotional dependency, the easier it will be start a new life.

Kundri Böhmer-Bauer even found another way to approach the subject: wrote a novel about what happened. He claims that it is not his own story, but that it is inspired by it. She ensures that she continues to have contact with her ex-husband. “We are good friends,” he says.

Dagmar K. Raimund, who not only supports women in this process, but was also affected by it herself many years ago, also has a good relationship with her ex-husband, with whom she has two children.

He says that despite the enormous disappointment, it is also good to “put yourself in the shoes of the couple” and take their perspective, and that all this can help. In this way, the couple can be transformed into friendship, especially if they spent good years together.

However, it states that if someone was cheated on by the partner with another person, “it is not a very good starting point” to remain as friends. (F)