Media breakups and divorces, an indirect blow to children

Protect children in a difficult separation, with conflicts aired in digital media it is complex. Either the parents do their part, remembering the permanent bond they have with their children, or they give them the worst example of their lives in terms of problem management, family life and personal relationships.

How to act so that divorce does not become the tragedy of children? It’s hard, says Glenda Pinto Guevara, a clinical psychologist and therapist, in advance.

“The age of the children is important.; whether they are preschoolers or schoolchildren, preteens or teens.” In the first case, the personality structure is being formed, and it is more ductile and susceptible to the damage caused by the conflict. “Young children have a very concrete and literal way of thinking. If they see videos or photos, hear insults between parents, this will do more severe damage to the mind.”

Older children and adolescents may have a stronger foundation, but are also highly conditioned by other sources, their peers, and digital media. In this case, it is worth talking. “Parents need to understand that your kids are copying your reaction modelsand for that reason they need to moderate their behavior, because your children are going to take the biggest impact”.

So even if you feel tempted to expose your situation to public opinion, to feel the support and validation that usually comes this way, remember that digital media are a double-edged sword due to their immediacy.

“It is the equivalent of giving a direct blow to whom I want to give it to, and indirectly to whom I do not want to hurt, in this case, the children”, indicates Pinto.

When dealing with the case, think about the age of the children. Teach them that we all have problems, and that solutions cannot be found by attacking each other. That adults get angry and can lose control, and that does not mean that there is no affection between those who fight or towards children. “Make them understand that anger can lead to saying things in a bad way; having one parent confront the other is devastating to them; are their bannersthe first people they meet when they arrive in the world, and it is difficult for them to understand that they attack each other”.

Children and young people cannot handle parental separation alone

Unfriendly separation is a double burden. “First, (The children) are already mourning the issue of divorce, and it will get more complicated when the adults do not reach an agreement of assertive communication, and there is no dialogue that helps alleviate the pain that the children are feeling in the face of loss”, says psychologist and family counselor Toyi Espín from Jácome.

Just because a son stays quiet doesn’t mean he’s not suffering. Those who are silent suffer more, because they do not show the pain they are feeling.

Toyi Espin

What is recommended is that parents can become aware of the damage, separate the decision they made from the fact that they are still parents of those children, and learn to use new educational and communicative styles.

The issue with fights, public or not, is that they cause very strong emotional wounds that transcend depression and can even lead to suicide. Espín reflects on what Children love their parents, they have the ideal that the nuclear family remains, but being in an environment of greater dysfunction (fights) will cause emotional wounds that are difficult to heal.

“Have a psychological counseling in separation or divorce, so that you know how to manage your relationships well as parents, no longer as a couple, and reach consensus for the growth of your children, if you are interested in avoiding further pain.”

For those who believe that their children “are strong” and are handling it well on their own, the counselor explains that each one handles these situations in different ways, depending on their temperament; In some, aggressiveness emerges, others cry and are very sensitive, and others lock themselves in their world and do not speak. “Just because a son stays quiet doesn’t mean he’s not suffering. Those who are silent suffer morebecause they do not show the pain they are feeling ”.

Protection begins by reaching agreements

When the parents are separated and there is not a cordial relationship, the children see bad examples that they will reproduce in other environments and in adult life. This is how they will handle their anger and frustrations, says clinical psychologist Samuel Merlano. “In the future they could be aggressors of their partner. They could fall into addictions to vent. Over time they will need therapeutic help.”

A mediator is important, be it legal or psychological, who can guide them to keep their children healthy.

samuel merlano

Protecting children is not easy if parents do not give up. Protection is made up of agreements. “You stay with the kids this week, and next week I’ll do it.” In this way, the levels of aggressiveness of the parents and the levels of anxiety of the children can go down.

“It is important a mediator, be it legal or psychological, who can guide them to keep their children healthy, despite the difficult environment in which they are living. It will give them lights so that they can give themselves a better deal between parents and the children have peace of mind ”.

Divorce belongs to the parents, not the children.

Pinto encourages us to look beyond the temporary, the poor school performance or the sadness of the moment. “For adults it was just a crossword, but for children it’s something much more devastating and tragic.”

“It can get very ugly when one parent is focused on hurting the other, forgetting that they are partners for life, jointly responsible for the child they brought into the world.”

Glenda Pinto

The child tends to think catastrophically. “Dad said that he wants to kill mom; Mom said that she hates Dad. To get out of that thought, it is possible to help yourself with someone who is close to the child and can talk to him in a kind and affectionate way, making him see that all problems have a solution, and that of his parents too.

If you started a legal process for violence, there is restraining orders, prohibition of writing or contacting children through digital media and making public statements, in the case of media personalities. “It can get very ugly when one parent is focused on hurting the other, forgetting that they are partners for life, jointly responsible for the child they brought into the world.”

The intervention of an educational psychology or counseling professional who assists the child or young person in this matter should not be underestimated.

“It is vitally important that parents become aware that they are the role models for their children, in every way,” recalls Pinto: how they resolve (or not) conflicts and with what tools, if they know how to function as a family, if they know how to communicate.

If the divorce is a fact, let your children understand that it was not because of them. May the conflict not make parents forget that they are in charge of setting the rules by which the lives of young people are governed. “Never, under any circumstances”, except by legal provision, should a father or mother be prevented from having contact with the childrenwarns Pinto. “If it is proven that he is a bad influence, let the law decide. Otherwise, it is not healthy for the mentality of a child to also be ‘divorced’ from one of the parents”.

Media parents, media consequences

A media divorce has the added dimension that parents are not just parents: they are brandswhose image, in many cases, moves money, employs people and has defined strategies in social networks.

For Rodrigo Cisternas, an expert in marketing, a brand is “a value proposition that gives you differential benefits in relation to other proposals”; under that concept, a brand can be a product, a service, a city, a political party, or a person.

An unmediated rupture creates sides, but a public divorce, aired on social networks, creates even more polarization. This creation of factions, exposes Cisternas, means a victory for the experts in marketing and communications that handle the personal image of famous people: He gives the publication of Prince Harry’s latest book as an example of conflict and generation of sides, a situation that generates rejection by defenders of the royal family and support by fans of Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle.

However, the most important thing in terms of marketing, according to Cisternas, is that the book, regardless of the division it creates, it’s already a bestseller.

Then, A media break results, beyond the human consequences, in a clash of brands, a whirlwind of disputes in social networks from which many brands can be hooked to enter the public scrutiny and take advantage of the division generated. Another factor, according to Cisternas, is the millions and millions of dollars that the media allocate to cover publicly aired ruptures and controversies.

However, media disputes can generate damage to the image or personal brand of one of the two people, or one of the two parents in the case of a divorce, especially if one of the two has more media relevance than the other.

Media people, Cisternas exposes, often do not manage their own social networks, but at the end of the day “they are human” and can make impulsive decisions that could damage their own reputation or that of others. However, it goes on knowing how far you can go is important.

The academic takes the example of the former US president donald trump, who caused a stir on social networks due to his controversial comments, which made Internet users wonder why he said what he said in public; For Cisternas, it was a strategy that Trump and his associates used on purpose to cultivate a loyal following.

Likewise, a media separation full of constant exchanges on social networks, cryptic messages, song dedications and other controversies, such as the divorce of Shakira and Gerard Piqué, generates division on the internet and cultivates groups that feel identified with one brand or anotherin addition to the media opportunities and marketing created by the public of the situation. (YO)