Should children be brought to a funeral?

The images of the Queen Elizabeth II funeral they were broadcast on television around the world. A shocking moment was the vigil held by his grandchildren, the eldest of whom is 44 years old. But one of the youngest descendants was also included, James, Viscount Severn, 14 years old.

The little great-grandchildren, however, also came to the ceremony. Princess Charlotte of Wales, the 7-year-old daughter of William and Catherine, was seen crying on arrival.

How to know if the child is ready to attend a wake or burial? Three institutions dedicated to the well-being of children present their points of view. The Child Mind Institute says there is no single answer. Funerals are an important part of the grieving process, because they are a farewell to the loved one and the path to acceptance.

So, he advises parents to decide according to the personality of the child. If he gets anxious when they have to wait for many hours, if he is easily distracted, the funeral service may not be the place for them. And if instead, they tend to take things very seriously, your child may feel overwhelmed by the environment or by others’ expressions of grief.

Another consideration is the type of ceremony, open or closed casket (children may be impressed). the expected time, perhaps you can go with your children and spend an hour or two, but not stay to watch with them. As a general rule, says the Institute, “it is best if children are not exposed to excessive displays of emotion.” And if this happens, you should have a good talk with them, explaining that it is a temporary situation and that everyone will soon feel better, especially if the one who is upset is one of their closest people, parents, grandparents or uncles.

Have a chat before you go out. Explain to them what it will be like, certain basic symbols (people will be dressed in dark colors, silence will be requested at certain times, flowers are not for playing, they don’t have to go near the box if they don’t want to) and the behavior you expect from them. It’s not a family gathering to play or run, but offer to hang out with them if they want to walk or get some air.

Don’t be offended if your child seems uncaring on the site or seems to act out on purpose. Children have different reactions to death and grief, explains Jamie M. Howard, a clinical psychologist with the Child Mind Institute’s Center for Anxiety Disorders.

What do I do if my child is afraid of wakes?

If a child is afraid of the idea of ​​being in a cemetery or a viewing room, don’t force them to go, say Elyse C. Salek, MD, and Kenneth R. Ginsburg, MD, of the American Academy of Pediatrics. Rather, make your own tribute to the person, sharing pleasant memories.

But most importantly, says Paula K. Rauch, author of Raising children with emotional healthis that children do not suffer or grieve alone. It is necessary to teach them that suffering is better managed when we are together, and that they should share their concerns with the family. That will serve them for all instances of life, not just mourning.

If your child is very sensitive or cries, allow it and accompany him. Loss, Salek and Ginsburg say, will always be a part of life, and rather than block it, it is better to teach children to cope in a healthy way until they recover from it.

The other piece of advice is to take care of yourself and grieve healthy, so your child will see the example and you will be able to help him sooner. “Self-care is one of the most strategic acts of good parenting, as it ensures that you will be fully present and able to give your child love and direction when they need it.”

While the psychologist D’arcy Lyness, of the Nemours Foundation, believes that it is good to let children participate in any mourning ritual, if they agree and have received the correct information.

This can also be a time when the family can talk about their beliefs about death. and, if they consider it so, the afterlife or transcendence. Also about the meaning of the rituals that they will see at the funeral or at home. Especially if, as is still the case in some communities, the wake is held at home.

Also, if the loss is very close to you, grief may prevent you from taking care of your child’s basic needs for a while. Then ask a person you trust to help you take care of your children during the procedures and the ceremony. Choose someone your child wants to be with and trusts, someone who is happy to leave the area for a moment if the child wishes.

Should we let children see adults cry? There’s no need to be afraid of this, says Lyness. “If she allows her son to see her pain, she will be teaching him that crying is a natural reaction to emotional pain and loss. And it can make kids feel more comfortable expressing their own feelings.” But it’s also important that you convey to them that through all the sadness, they are still a family and a safe environment.

If you think your child has really been affected by this loss (whether it’s a grandparent, sibling, or parent), watch for these signs. Radical behavior change. A child who was sociable becomes angry, reserved, or anxious. Or there are comments at school about performance.

In this case, consult with the school psychologist, with the pediatrician or with an organization that offers counseling or psychological care, and that will help you work through your child’s pain or frustration until reaching acceptance. (F)