It’s not love, it’s obsession: the “intermittent reinforcement” that makes you hook into toxic relationships

What you see as “brutal chemistry” can be a toxic relationship.

In recent weeks, a lot of noise has been generated on social networks with the trial of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp where there was talk of abuse and maltreatment. But it is not necessary to go to certain extremes to being in a toxic relationship and suffering from its pernicious effects.

It is something so subtle and common that I could go unnoticed.

Let’s give an example that surely sounds familiar to you. You meet someone and the person is super involved, they chat to death, they share a thousand things, they propose great plans, they tell you that you are incredible.

But, at the same time, he disappears for a few days, leaves you unchecked (that blessed double blue tick!), those plans that are proposed come to fruition very occasionally or he does not spend the quality time with you that you would like. But then it comes back and the cycle repeats.

“We know that the pleasant moment is going to come back and we are hooked waiting for it to come back, because we are certain that in the end it always comes back. Those high moments are so pleasant that we forget about the lows”, explains the psychologist Marta Novoa, specialized in couple relationships and author of the book “Amor del bueno”.

You end up receiving “one of lime and another of sand”. Or, what is the same, a intermittent reinforcement.

An unpredictable, random, inconsistent reward

The psychologist Frederic Skinner made a experiment with rats. She put them in a cage where there was a lever and every time they pressed it, a ball of food fell out. They tested to see what happened if, when pressed, no food fell. The rats lost interest and no longer pressed the lever. In both cases, it was a continuous reinforcement: there is always food or there is never.

What would happen if, when you hit the lever, the food came out randomly? They thought the rat would forget to press the lever.

But not. He became obsessed and pressured her all the time, even if nothing came of it. She became addicted to the point of abandoning her rest, food and toilet.

“This is intermittent reinforcement, an unpredictable, random, and inconsistent reward,” says biologist and psycho-body therapist Lorena Cuendias.

“The reward circuitry of the brain is intended to reinforce behaviors for our survival such as drinking, eating, or reproducing. It is also activated when we receive external approval and validation signals”, he points out.

With reward and pleasure, Dopamine and serotonin are released. When there is consistency in stimulus, when pleasure is predictable -the food ball always arrives, he always answers my WhatsApp messages- the brain gets used and, each time, it releases less of these substances. Come on, you no longer give the same start when you get a “Hello, what are you doing”.

When there is inconsistency, we are like the rat.

A drug on your brain

“There is unpredictability as to when and how the (hormonal) kick will return to the brain. It is something precious and is persecuted however it is”, says Cuendias.

In the face of deprivation, neuronsthey will need more and more doses with stronger stimuli of that which produces the hook”.

In addition, oxytocin, the bond and love hormone, is inhibited and there is a imbalance between it and dopamine.

This is when the “obsession” comes.

“The (hormonal) imbalance can make the person experiences intense urges to keep and desire their partner. The victim can do things that put her at risk, such as allowing certain behaviors, including sexual ones, that she would not tolerate in other circumstances.

Those who suffer from it, work more and more to maintain that relationship and return to the “honeymoon” phase, where they will get more dopamine. It’s an addiction.

“Addiction to drugs, tobacco or heroin has the same mechanism,” Cuendias remarks.

“The drug gives you that rush in the moment and then there is the crash, even the abstinence syndrome. The same thing happens in relationships. The circuits that are activated in the brain are practically the same”, says Novoa.

The fine line between “fooling” and toxic

Who hasn’t taken a leap when someone we like starts following us on a social network or sends us a little message; We answer, the fooling around continues, the thing stops for a few days and then, back to the ring. How we got excited about that I flirt, with that tug of war.

Both therapists maintain that it is normal that, at the beginning of a relationship, whether casual or formal, there are peaks of emotion and troughs.

“It happens to all of us. We yearn for fusion. Preliminary play is natural to maintain the bond and for what biology seeks, which is to procreate,” says Lorena.

But there is a red line. Or several. Novoa and Cuendias maintain that the important thing is to look within oneself and see how we feel.

The alert for Cuendias is “when feelings are stronger than our ability to act for our own good and interest”.

There can be that brutal chemistry and a very strong attraction. But, says Novoa, it must be accompanied by a feeling of peace as a background, not only when the person is present, but also when they are not, “because there is the certainty that the treatment does not change, that it is there for me and there is an implication ”.

The red flag for Novoa is that there is a sense of urgency, of anxiety: “When there is a hitch it is like more of a continuous roller coaster”.

“And you and I, what are we?”

When we talk about asymmetry in couple relationships, we usually talk about differences in age or power. but one asymmetric relationship It is also the one where one of the people He talks about his expectations and the other doesn’t.

Surely you also know the scene, that moment in an affective bond in which one of the two asks: “And you and me, what are we?”

Beyond labels, asymmetry comes when one party asks what they want -and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a stable relationship-, while the other party evades the issue.

“You never know in what relational framework we are moving. We don’t quite know what to expect. It is a relationship in which there are no limits, that is, it is not pointed out at any time what is healthy for me and what is not”, says Novoa.

Thus, anything goes and, also, everything is allowed. That’s where the toxicity comes in.

“That inevitably leads us to asymmetries. It is very difficult for there to be general satisfaction on both sides.”

This, in turn, increases that feeling of a constant roller coaster that Novoa points out: “There is never peace, everything is tremendous anxiety. And when there is reconciliation it is also very intense”.

red flags

In addition to looking at the body and seeing how we feel, the experts give other guidelines for detect if we are falling into a toxic relationship.

“If we lose our own autonomy and identity, experiencing control and manipulation, if we abandon ourselves, if we start to doubt ourselves or get lost in the other, when I am dysregulated and my energy is almost completely invested in the relationship,” says Lorena Cuendias.

The concern it is an identifier that both give, that feeling of insecurity that we feel without knowing where it comes from.

“There may be some conflict in a relationship, but there is calm. Another point is that you feel that you cannot be the way you are. That you have to hide a part of you because you think that the other person is not going to accept it or openly does not accept it”, says Novoa.

It occurs, above all, in stable or sporadic relationships, but also in family and friendship relationships.

see, say, go out

Whoever is inside something toxic does not see it so clearly precisely because of the same processes that are activated in the brain for the hook to occur.

After that, the two experts suggest that self-knowledge is essential “both not to enter or exit” a relationship of this type.

“Work in our self-esteem, our communication, listening, knowing how to set limits, how to manage conflicts. All this as a preventative to get in there, but it also helps us a lot to get out ”, lists Novoa.

For Cuendias, it is essential to work on the attachment bond that led us to this relationship in therapy: “The trigger for this is an insecure attachment in childhood that makes us look for what we lacked in others.”

To reinforce this and, if you cannot go to therapy, it is important look for a link with a person who gives us a reference to what a safe relationship is and help us see that we may have extremely strong chemistry, but with the wrong person.

Some toxic practices

• breadcrumbing: Let crumbs of love, of attention, to the other person. But avoid compromise. It doesn’t have to be going to the altar, but in this case they even avoid talking about it. There is no intention to consolidate a relationship, but they do not say it.
• love bombing: love bombing. It is at the beginning of the relationship and it gives a huge rush. Everything is a fairy tale, perfect and intense. Everything is love and attention. And then the one who applies it, gradually, begins to become cold and distant, dry. It is more gradual, there is more hitch than in the previous one. The person who suffers from it often asks you what they did wrong. It may be that he communicates it and whoever applies the love bombing denies it (here we would enter another phase, which implies manipulation).
• Hoovering: When, after the link is broken, reappears in your lifeespecially on special dates like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas. He may even appear as if nothing had happened, as someone who doesn’t want the thing and with the intention of picking up on something, but he doesn’t want to create a real conversation about it either, he doesn’t want to know how you are. You can seek to connect from victimhood, pity yourself or connect with him or her emotionally in some way. What the person almost always seeks is to broaden her ego.
• benching: have you on the bench. Come on, waiting as a second option. He never gets fully involved, but he never leaves, he’s there in the background, running run. It reappears when you don’t do well with other people or when you feel lonely.