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In a relationship with a married man, is there a chance of stability?

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I am a mature and divorced woman. I have a relationship with a married man whom I have loved very much despite the badness of our relationship, but his wife found out a long time ago and now we live together. But since then he has changed a lot in all aspects, being selfish and harsh, as well as complicated with the household finances. I don’t know what happened to him. I still love him, but he doesn’t seem to forget his family, and all the problems we have have made me very disappointed. What should I do?


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Reader, your letter asking for help is missing some or a lot of information that would better identify your relationship. Relationships that are not clear from the beginning tend to remain supposedly stable, until they become real..

Let me explain: when they live as lovers, the world revolves around the desire for the forbidden object, and the economic responsibilities go according to the magnitude of the chance encounters. In other words, it is not an obligation: it is a supposed contribution to satisfy the pleasure, which can be lasting or ephemeral.

On the other hand, the meetings are short-lived, and it is understandable that in those minutes there are no responsibilities, but enjoyment.

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Then, the difference is evident when they live together: there the real problems and attitudes previously unknown are presented. It is there that total beauty becomes partial. Living together is discovering the realities of the other and of oneself in the face of daily needs. The lover no longer needs to be magnificent to maintain a double life. Just finished the forbidden item.

In your case, he did not plan to leave your marriage: he was found out and forced to live with you.

The harshness and selfishness that he manifests may be because he is not happy living in this relationship. It is logical that she must have a hard time thinking about her marriage. And she has to elaborate their separation, with the feelings that this situation entails, such as guilt, resentment and others.

What you must do:

  1. Think about why you got divorced the first time. See if they are the same problems and ask yourself if you have something to do with it. Blame is usually shared. This is important because, if there is no cure, subsequent relationships suffer from the same conflicts.
  2. You identify as a mature woman. Maturity is given by the attitude and functioning in life. Ask yourself if being in a relationship with a married man is part of personal growth. Or is it a chain to share ill-established desires? Not being the first choice of love and staying in second place. The mistress is secondary; she is not primary.
  3. To start a relationship with a view to progress, you have to start from freedom, that is, souls without ties launch themselves into living a story and write it with the pen of the two.
  4. If your living becomes very heavy, think and decide. Talk and meditate with him the fault. And see if there is a solution or not, and make a life decision.
  5. Always remember that loving is also knowing how to leave.
  6. They could also separately go to a psychological treatment. I say “separately” because I think that certain aspects must be dealt with individually. It is not by chance that failures are repeated.
  7. When one forms a young or adult couple, one must avoid dependencies of all kinds, emotional and economic.

I think the best couples are the ones who share their independence. They are autonomous and each one goes with its own path to form a higher level route.

Paquita Brito Clavijo, psychologist and specialized therapist in France

Phone: 099-046-7557

Source: Eluniverso

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