“Betrayal as a reason for divorce is taking a shortcut. The important thing is what made it happen”

Let’s talk about divorces …

Robert Kowalczyk*: I propose to refer to the beginning of the relationship, and even earlier: to the beliefs and myths related to the functioning of the relationship, because they then often lead to a crisis, and, consequently, often to divorce.

The first myth that psychological research contradicts: opposites attract. In pairs, a common core is important, i.e. similar attitudes and values ​​in different dimensions. It is much more difficult – even with enormous erotic fascination, which is the driving force at the very beginning – to maintain a long-term satisfactory relationship for people with, for example, extremely different attitudes or values.

Agata Stola *: When the topic of divorce, breakup, or relationship breakdown comes up, people want a simple explanation. Ideally, betrayal should be stereotypically understood, so that a moral judgment can be made, where he will be guilty or guilty on the one hand, and the abandoned or abandoned victim on the other. Then you can condemn and console.

And betrayal – understood as contact with a third party outside the relationship – often does not mean the end of the relationship, on the contrary, it can even be healing for the relationship.

In addition, we have an increasing variety of life systems, there is no longer one “good” model of relationship. We know couples in which “betrayal” as such does not function at all.

Because for some it is …

AS: Just contacts outside the mutually agreed relationship. It can also be a single experience, the result of a combination of various conflicts, events and emotions in a relationship that does not end, but begins a new stage in the relationship. The most important thing is not to give up right away.

Treason as a reason for divorce is taking a shortcut, after all, something has happened in this relationship before. The reason for the divorce is what made it happen.

So, betrayal becomes a signal for change.

RK: It’s a mermaid!

AS: To a new deal in the report.

Okay, now that betrayal is far behind other signs, what could be a red flag that a divorce is on the horizon?

RK: Let’s reverse the question: what can prevent divorce? The foundations are mutual respect and commitment. If it is not in the relationship, there is a greater risk of the relationship breaking up.

AS: According to pandemic statistics, in 2020 there were fewer divorces than in previous years. On the one hand, at that time it was simply more difficult to get divorced due to the formal and logistical difficulties related to the lockdown. Specialists also point out that people lost their everyday life, did not leave home so often, did not go (and do not go) to the office, they lacked a routine that gave them a sense of security. Relationship – whatever it is – has become the last stand. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring, so we’d better stick together. Even if you’re driving me crazy, I’d rather you be / were. The fear of being alone keeps many couples together during a pandemic.

And although couples still indicate “character discordance” as the most common cause of divorce, in my opinion it is more a matter of difference in values, vision of living together, in emotional and economic terms.

However, in the office, communication is still number one, which is completely out of order. People often get married without talking about what they would like the formal relationship to be like. They don’t talk about the roles they see for themselves, about their needs and expectations. In the office, we often hear: “It’s a pity we didn’t talk about it 10 years ago.” Because needs can be very different: professional, life, family. Of course, there are cases where people fall in love, go to the element, don’t fix anything, and this experiment works, but it’s not necessarily the case.

RK: “Character mismatch” is often a catchphrase.

AS: This is another myth: people believe that similarity is a guarantee of a successful relationship, so if something goes wrong in a relationship, they will consider it to be “incompatibility of characters”, not that they have not worked on it, comments.

Some people want to get divorced as soon as possible. Foot. Shutterstock

Because people, when entering into a relationship, probably rarely talk about the things that are most important: money, sex, children and religion …

AS: I would also add a partnership division of duties. There are also violence and drugs in divorce statistics. And women are more likely to file for divorce.

RK: We may succumb to the stereotypical belief that only men perpetuate the patriarchal model, but it is worth noting that women also do it. There may also be a double standard, the expectation of extremely different attitudes, e.g. the requirement on one side of care, ensuring financial security, on the other hand, full partnership in the division of household duties. Expectations irreconcilable in one relationship.

AS: In our office we have the Women’s Strike on the one hand, and the longing for the traditional model in which the man is “unbreakable” on the other.

So no communication again. Do I understand correctly that in our country there is a lack of self-respect on both sides?

RK: The famous research by psychologists John Gottman and Robert Levenson is often cited – also in this context. For 14 years, both of them observed the lives of 79 married couples, 21 of which 21 broke up during the study. Looking at the couple’s 15-minute conversation was enough to assess the couple’s future. Based on their research, Gottman and Levenson identified four specific behaviors that could be dangerous to a relationship and called them “the four horsemen of the apocalypse”.

Showing contempt, criticism, defensive behavior and blocking a conversation.

RK: Contempt is the extreme display of disrespect. When it comes from women, 85 percent. men take the so-called defensive attitude, that is, withdrawing – for various reasons. So it is bad when there is constant criticism and drilling. It is just as bad when rejecting messages appear.

That is?

RK: “I can’t look at you”, “you are my mistake”. Once it can happen in some argument, but if it happens more often, there is already a huge risk of the relationship breaking up. Also when it is unspoken, but it can be seen in the attitude. Maybe then divorce is even a better solution? After all, is divorce a failure? Another myth: the measure of marriage is its lifetime.

Well, and when we have sex in a relationship, is it a red flag?

RK: There are three components of love in Sternberg’s concept: passion, intimacy and commitment. Depending on the length of the relationship and the circumstances, their intensity changes. The expectation that the passion after twenty years will be qualitatively and quantitatively the same as during the first contacts is a pipe dream, another unrealistic expectation. The ingredients that largely maintain a relationship are intimacy and commitment.

A commitment that we understand as …

AS: Shared values, dreams, but also credits, children and everything that we brought into our relationship.

RK: If there is no passion, but there is intimacy and commitment, the relationship is friendly. There is another myth that sex is the primary measure of relationships.

But it is not?

RK: It can be different. People are no longer sexually attractive to each other, and they remain cognitively.

It is me who will come back to the betrayal. It doesn’t have to be sexual, it can be economic when we do something with the money behind our partner’s back. It may also be that I am silently sending my child to religion lessons, even though my partner does not want to.

RK: In therapy, we are talking about violating the partnership norm. And this violation of these rules can be on many levels: intimacy, sexuality, relationships with other people or in the context of how we manage money.

But this standard of partnership remains unspoken in most relationships!

AS: At the beginning of a relationship, love is also seen as a unity of thoughts, he / she understands the way I understand, the same way he sees the world. This is how we design this standard. And then it turns out that no one has verified this fantasy of the unity of thoughts. Nobody found anything. And here there is often a discrepancy between the opinion of the therapist and the lawyer.

With lawyers, everything must be written down somewhere, confirmed, and the therapist also takes these unspoken declarations into account. However, when something is unspoken and unwritten, it is easy to break it.

Here, same-sex couples can be the larks of the lesion. They are a model for me when it comes to communication, expressing my needs and expectations, healthy negotiating. This rule applies to all spheres of life. And in heteronormative relationships, many things escape under the so-called “obviousness”. In addition, in same-sex couples – and this is unfortunately a bit of a result of the lack of acceptance – in most cases the family does not interfere in how it is supposed to be.

Okay, how is it? With divorce on the horizon, is it good to go to a therapist? Can help?

RK: It can help, if only in the sense that many people try to sort out some things before the end of the report. It also happens that one person reports that he or she wants a divorce, and the other wants to work on the relationship. There is no single pattern. People know that even if they are going to break up, talking in front of a therapist will simply make it easier for them to function later.

AS: There are also people at the Splot Institute who, after divorce, want to work on the relationship because they have children and, despite the fact that they are already in new relationships, go to the therapist to arrange their life “after”. Sometimes they start therapeutic work already at the divorce stage, because they believe that their agreement is a guarantee of children’s safety and psychological balance.

A couple recently came to me who decided to break up, so they would like to work out one form of talking to the child about the breakup, so that in both homes they hear the same narrative about why the parents are no longer together.

RK: What’s important, there are also couples who come in a great crisis, but don’t talk about divorce at all.

For the end of love is not hate, but indifference.

And if there are emotions, even extreme ones, they still work. Of course, it happens that someone plays divorce or turns up emotions by threatening to leave. There are also couples who, at the moment of confrontation, e.g. when the divorce papers are on the table, also start to wonder. A visit to a specialist is a chance to improve and come back.

The success of therapy depends on …

RS: From expectations, motivations with which partners come. Thanks to us, they can, for example, recognize their needs in a relationship.

AS: And not make the same mistake in the next one. Because sometimes it happens that after a while people show up in Weave with a new partner and the same problem.

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Robert Kowalczyk, MD, PhD – psychologist, clinical sexologist. Founder of the SPLOT Institute of Psychotherapy and Sexological Therapy. Head of the Department of Sexology at the Faculty of Psychology and Humanities at the Krakow Academy of Andrzej Frycz Modrzewski. He collaborates scientifically and didactically with the Medical University of Warsaw and the SWPS University. He gained over 15 years of professional experience both at the Department of Psychiatry and Psychotherapy of the Medical University of Silesia in Katowice and at the Lew-Starowicz Therapy Center. Member of the European Society for Sexual Medicine (ESSM) and Member of the Scientific and Consultative Council for MSM of the National AIDS Center of the Minister of Health’s Agenda. He is a member of the Scientific Council of the Center for Social Research on Sexuality at the University of Warsaw. On Radio TOK FM, he co-hosts SexAudycja and SexPodcast with Dr. Aleksandra Krasowska.

Agata Stola, MA – psychotherapist, sexologist, specialist in public health and social policy. He combines his apprenticeship at the SPLOT Institute with teaching at the Krakowska Akademia im. Andrzej Frycz Modrzewski and the Foundation for Social Education. A graduate of the Institute of Social Policy at the University of Warsaw, the Faculty of Health Sciences of the Medical University of Warsaw and Interdisciplinary Doctoral Studies at the Institute of Social Studies. Professor Robert Zajonc of the University of Warsaw. Addiction psychotherapy specialist certified by the National Bureau for Drug Prevention. HIV / AIDS adviser certified by the National AIDS Center. She completed sexology training at the School of Therapy of the Lew-Starowicz Center. Member of the Polish Society for Research on Addictions and the Polish Society of Sexology. He is a member of the Scientific Council of the Center for Social Research on Sexuality at the University of Warsaw.