“I just had to ask for a refill of borscht, and I said: Mom, Dad – you have wasted my whole life”

You can find more Christmas-themed texts on the home page.

Aga Kozak: “Magic time” – advertisements proclaim. Meanwhile, in many homes, Christmas Eve is about stepping into an emotional minefield, where conflict breaks out after conflict.

Joanna Grzymała-Moszczyńska *, social psychologist: Holidays are a time when our little patterns and patterns of family functioning – also the difficult and sometimes violent ones – can easily ignite. Even when we return to our family home as adults and matured, we sometimes involuntarily recreate them.

Every time we visit our family home, we experience regression, i.e. a return to, for example, childhood traumas – say the therapists. Despite the fact that we are thirty or fifty, we turn into a five-year-old in three seconds.

Even though we function well on a daily basis, distanced from our family.

Under the watchful eye of our mother, who makes dumplings, or in the company of the always-baking-uncle who embarrassed us, when we were little, it is very difficult to be grown up, composed and distant.

Childhood mornings opening?

They can. It depends on what our family relationships are, how we ourselves are arranged with each other, but. We remember “how it used to be.” We are again entering the “interpersonal games” – as Eric Berne calls them – which are in our family’s repertoire.

This heightened sensitivity allows us to experience joy, goodness, love at the same time, but this vulnerable side is not easy. I heard a lot of stories about the holidays that resembled a joke “I just had to ask for the borscht, and I said: mom, dad, you have wasted my whole life”.

And you see, the question is whether there is any space in our family to say something like that. And do we feel it is true that they actually wasted it. And are we so ready to reveal ourselves in such a way with our hurt – because this is what the message about waste is about. Sometimes this exposure is not easy.

For example, some people will have a feeling that opening up, showing our “soft” part – regret, resentment or hurt – may not be met with understanding, apologies or expressing regret or support. But on the contrary – with the deepening of the trauma: ridicule, denial, even aggression or rejection.

Our confession can be extremely threatening for the other person / party, it can violate their ideas about themselves. Because “we raised our children so well” or “we were a happy family”.

Many people will also be afraid to react to such violent messages as “well, I think you have gained a bit” or “your children are probably not ready, because you are too old for pregnancy” – because first of all at the family table ” be polite “, and secondly – we don’t know that we can react at all and how to do it!

We live in a world of cultural norms in which – especially in the context of the family – we know “what is allowed” and what is “not allowed”. What is the hierarchy of how to address the elders, or also that “children and fish have no voice.”

I think to myself that it is worth thinking about the whole Christmas situation in advance – because we know our families a bit and we know what we can expect from them – and even exactly who – to expect from them.

We also know what our loved ones can stick to. So we can think about what we are ready for – for example, whether we are ready for this unveiling – and think about ways to deal with all of this.

You mean, plan the holidays, but yeah … psychologically?

So!

After all, we cannot go to Christmas with such conviction as from a romantic comedy that “this time it will be different”.

This time no one will tell us that “I miss some grandchildren at the table” or in some other way that we are not living up to expectations. When in contact with reality, it’s good to think about what might happen, and not live an idealized version of the holidays or a dream “what we would like to happen”.

That is…

… to think: this is what my family is like, this and that can happen or will certainly happen – so: what can I do in this situation to take care of myself, but also to take care of my loved ones?

About loved ones?

About them too. Because if I know that when someone tells me such and such a comment, I will either run away or yell at him. It is worth considering what I can do for myself and for others so as not to escalate the conflict.

Or maybe my plan for this Christmas is to just escalate and throw it all out?

It is worth analyzing it beforehand, in a space that is safe for us, before everything starts to happen. Think about “what would I actually want from this Christmas?”.

Do I prefer to cause a great war in the family – in the name of truth – do I want peace this time?

In this situation, such a paradoxically liberating thought may be that in our family – or with a given person – dialogue will not always be possible. Because we are not always able to get along.

Accepting it and focusing on the fact that we will just try to minimize the damage and extract what is good in our relationships, e.g. based on shared values, good memories we have, is also ok.

It can also be arranged in advance, before the world-view battle – for example, take out a box with photos. Or make dumplings with grandma, just like in childhood – even if there is a chance that she will ask for grandchildren. What if someone sticks a pin in us anyway?

When this happens, it’s a good idea to pause for a while, not to act impulsively. Check “How am I? What’s the matter with me?” What are my thoughts then? Do I automatically agree with this person’s hurtful opinion? Do I immediately think of myself that I am “bad”, “silly”, “insignificant”? And consider what it does to me and what I want to do with it.

For example?

Do I want to put a limit? Here, in most situations, the message “I”, or “how do I feel with what you tell me?” Comes in handy. Let’s say we’re sorry. If the person is unresponsive, you can ask if the person wants us to be sorry.

Let’s make an appointment – we differ in sensitivity, so someone may hurt us unintentionally. So, if that person sees that they have hurt us, and they did not intend to, it may cause them to withdraw.

Of course, you can also be more assertive and say that you don’t want to talk about it, or that you want to postpone the conversation. We can also talk about the consequences: “The fact that you talk to me like that makes me wonder if I want to see you again in the future.” Because if someone does not stop crossing our borders, we can withdraw from it. And if it turns out that neither side wants to meet, maybe it will be better for everyone? And we will start meeting those who do not exceed us?

Oh, it is unimaginable for many, because how can it be – not to come for Christmas?

Yes, it can be very threatening to certain orders in the family – a hierarchy that sometimes builds violent relationships, some family sanctities. But you have to do an individual profit and loss account here. Because we can withdraw confrontationally, cut off contacts, and this can give us something. On the other hand, we can, for example, take care of our limits for most of the year, but when we have a chance to meet our loved ones – especially in the context of this pandemic situation in which we do not know when someone may be missing – and cherish what is good in this relationship maybe it is worth choosing?

How do you react to difficult topics discussed at the table?

We can, for example, make an appointment with the family in advance about what topics we will not talk about. We currently have so many things that we can argue about that it is really worth determining it in advance.

We can even make a party game out of it, where someone who brings up topic X “pays” a penalty. Just as we arrange what who will bring to the holidays, we can establish such topics.

Everything you say sounds very mature, but I imagine that for most of our suggestions we will hear, for example, “that it’s gagging” and “in my home I can say what I like”, and our “I feel hurt. “-” don’t be so gentle anymore! ” or “what a woman!”.

Yes it can be. But then we can repeat our message, be with us. People also often have these humorous ways of dealing with biting or hurtful remarks. Making a joke may be an effective strategy, but here are two faces …

What?

… sometimes there is a fine line between joking and being. And it happens that we jokingly avoid confrontation.

The question comes back again – what do we want from Christmas? Or being totally “in the truth” – regardless of the consequences? Or can we “swallow a couple of frogs” to have “peace of mind”. Are you sure a meeting at the table for several hours once a year is a good opportunity to discuss all our wrongs?

But is it also time to take up topics that are important for the family: e.g. how to organize care for an elderly dependent person? There is a chance that if we don’t take care of these topics sooner, they will explode on Christmas Eve. So let’s plan.

And how to react to the fact that someone – even though we agreed not to do it – throws a smelly bomb of unpleasant criticism at the table?

We have several strategies at our disposal. We may wonder why this person wants to do this at this point. What is the need for it? Does she feel unheard of? Something happened between us before? We can also try to redirect attention. I think we all know ways to do this.

So my uncle says, “Oh, those vaccinations” and we say, “Mom, this cheesecake is wonderful! What are you adding to it?”

Exactly! You could of course say that you will talk about it at another time. And you can really leave for a while. Bring your salads. Allies are also important.

That is?

Maybe there will be siblings on Christmas Eve with whom we understand each other? Maybe our partner will give us support? Together, we can try to redirect the conversation to safer tracks, give ourselves space to ventilate the emotions accumulated at the table. However, we should remember to think beforehand how we can take care of ourselves: do we have space for cleaning up after the bomb explosion during this “magic time”, or do we prefer this proverbial peace of mind.

psychologist Joanna Grzymała – Moszczyńska photo: Agnieszka Fiejka

* Joanna Grzymała-Moszczyńska – social psychologist, works at the Institute of Psychology of the Jagiellonian University.