I think a lot of people would like to have my brain, but if they tried to live with it they would quickly say, “No, thank you.” To tell you the truth, it’s hard for me to live with my sick head – a head in which my thoughts are constantly racing.
As I mentioned at the beginning, I was first diagnosed with depression when I was a teenager. Although in fact the first symptoms of low mood began even earlier, when I was seven years old. I was diagnosed with chronic recurrences of depression and then bipolar disorder. The last episode started a month ago and lasted three weeks.
“My psyche is very strong in this weakness”
Fortunately, I am on medication, so the episodes are much lighter. In fact, this disease has become somewhat normal for me. In my head I am constantly arguing with my logical and emotional selves, negotiating not to commit suicide, negotiating self-harm. And despite these problems, I consider myself a very strong person who faces reality and does not let himself be broken. My psyche is very strong in this weakness (I’m still alive!!!), although I’m not convinced I could cope without the drugs. Sometimes I feel terrified, thinking that one day they may not be in my backpack. What would happen to me then? How would my brain react? My brain is my blessing and curse. Strength and weakness. One of my friends said a year ago:
See how much you have achieved in two years. But life is a marathon, not a sprint. You still have a lot ahead of you, you don’t have to burn yourself out like that right away.
I didn’t understand this metaphor until I saw that due to depression I was moving away from my loved ones, disappearing from them, and they were disappearing from me like ships over the horizon. And I finally understood that life is not a marathon. Life is crossing the ocean. I’m standing on the shore, I can’t see where the other shore is, but I jump in and swim. I swim as long as I can. Sometimes I struggle to keep my nose above water. I don’t really know if I’m still sailing straight. Waves. Finally, the point from which I started disappears on the horizon. And I’m still trying to swim forward, although I don’t really know where I’m going.
At first I could hit the bottom, but now I have to keep swimming. Bigger waves, storms, everything just happens. This is what my life is like. I don’t even know where I am now. Maybe I’m touching rock bottom a little because I’ve hit a shallow spot and I’m writing this book? Although no, I still keep my nose above the surface, because my disease is still with me and does not let me rest. What I can do is swim relatively straight.
Don’t become an influencer Znak Publishing House
I have my apartment paid for several months in advance because I know I need time to get sick and get back to “okay”. So that’s the only good thing I got from my tiktok adventure. I earned money that allowed me to recover from the TikTok psychosis, which caused another big storm for me.
I slept through the first two days
A week spent in a psychiatric day ward is a year in real life. That’s what I say – with a pretty fucked up life. I entered the hospital with the assumption: it doesn’t matter what happens there. I will be there for myself. At the beginning I was given something to calm me down to get used to what awaited me. I slept through the first two days. The next day I talked for a long time with a psychiatrist who prescribed me some medications that worked wonderfully for me. I still take them.
For the next week and a half, I lived together with the others on the ward. We sat and talked about what it was like, how we felt about it, why we were here. I found people who supported each other. I could talk to each of them about almost anything. Not counting people who had no contact with reality and were simply absent. And those whose behavior – apart from illness – could not be justified by anything.
Nobody judged anyone
After a week, I was laughing at everything: at my own and other people’s suicide attempts, at myself, at other patients. Everyone laughed. Because if you don’t laugh, all your problems will just kill you. For example, I (and others) were very amused by the fact that people with mental illness cope with suicide attempts worse than with their own mental health. And luckily. Thanks to that, at that moment we could sit there and make fun of it. Each of us wanted to end ourselves someday, but we felt that we all lacked the strength to do so, to try to climb a tall building again.
During such conversations, no one judged anyone or commented on even very sophisticated ways of taking one’s own life. There was not an ounce of sensation or excitement, which is what I have been building my videos on and filling the Internet with for the last two and a half years. Instead, there was a focus on emotions and an analysis of feelings, as well as normal, honest talking about the disease. These conversations were valuable not because they brought relief, I wouldn’t call the feeling relief. Relief, cleansing and forgetting about the burden that you still have in your soul – this is a fairy tale. Real life is waiting for the next episode. These “mentally ill with mentally ill” conversations were valuable because they allowed me to come to a meeting with a therapist with partially thought-out and processed material.
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If you need to talk to a psychologist, you can contact the 24-hour Support Center by calling 800 70 2222. ITAKA Foundation psychologists are available by phone, e-mail and chat, providing advice and directing callers to the appropriate support facility in their region. Relatives of people who require help can also contact the center. Specialists will advise you on what to do to encourage your loved one to contact a specialist.
If you are experiencing difficulties and are thinking about taking your own life or want to help someone at risk of suicide, remember that you can use the free help numbers:
- Helpline for Children and Youth: 116 111
- emotional support phone number for adults: 116 123
If suicidal thoughts or a suicide attempt is life-threatening, for immediate crisis intervention, call the police on 112 or go to the emergency department of your local psychiatric hospital.
Source: Gazeta
Bruce is a talented author and journalist with a passion for entertainment . He currently works as a writer at the 247 News Agency, where he has established himself as a respected voice in the industry.
