They agreed on an open relationship. At one point he became terribly jealous

“On consent. 5 arguments that will strengthen your relationship” is for couples. According to Harrison, there are five different topics that all relationships need to work through. Thanks to the courtesy of WAB Publishing House, we are publishing a fragment of the book.

Jude and Brett, a couple in their 20s, sought help during lockdown because they noticed that sex was starting to fail after Covid restrictions were introduced. During the first session, Jude confessed that their sex life had completely stopped: previously they had dreamed of having more time for each other, but now – even though they had a lot of time – nothing came of it. She was worried that Brett was no longer interested in her.

We started wondering how the lockdown might have affected their sex life, as it was probably the main reason for their failure. The lower than usual interest in sex resulted from a combination of two factors: stress related to the overall situation and the fact that the excitement associated with seeing each other in different life situations and returning from work after a day’s separation had disappeared. Talking about it directly brought them relief.

They started mentioning an open relationship

Rob and Connor also struggled with difficult feelings that intruded on their sex lives. They had an open relationship and were looking for a safe space where they could talk about how they both felt about it. They had been a couple for three years. At first, their relationship was monogamous. As they admitted, it was important to both of them because they wanted to build a strong bond and trust each other. After about two years, they started talking about an open relationship.

Connor always told Rob that he would want to open up a relationship at some point; his experience from a previous monogamous relationship led him to believe that this would make more sense in his case. Besides, he thought more variety would be better for sex with Rob. Rob has never had a strong opinion on monogamy, for him the emotional side of a relationship was much more important than the physical aspect. But he was willing to try. Together they established certain basic rules, including: obtaining the partner’s consent before establishing a new sexual contact, mutual honesty, lack of emotional involvement in new acquaintances and using protection during sex.

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He felt intense jealousy

However, after six months they decided to seek professional help because Rob felt intense jealousy when Connor had sex with another person. Indeed, Connor dated other partners more often than Rob, and after such a date, the atmosphere between them always became tense, Rob became grumpy, and eventually a fight broke out. And although they agreed to be honest with each other, they weren’t really able to put this rule into practice – Connor sometimes felt that his honesty had a negative effect on Rob, but when he wasn’t honest, Rob began to suspect that his partner was hiding something from him. Connor wasn’t jealous when Rob had sex with other people, so there was a bit of an imbalance in that area. Connor was frustrated because he felt like he couldn’t allay his partner’s concerns despite his best efforts.

Together, we began to figure out what Rob’s train of thought was triggered when Connor was having sex with someone else. Rob confessed that he was constantly insecure because every time he was afraid that his partner would prefer the other person. “I get the feeling,” he said, “that Connor only mentions a few little things, but actually a lot more happened.” Connor argued that Rob should finally let it go. “How many times do I have to tell him that I’m not going to fall in love with someone? different?

The whole situation exposed this sensitive point

Our work together was to create a safe space where both of us could reflect on our different feelings about the situation. Therapy was a base and a starting point for them to reflect on the current state of their relationship. We considered their problem in terms of experiences gained from family homes to identify their weak points. Rob grew up in a family where both parents “were preoccupied with their relationship and their own private affairs,” and he and his sister were left to their own devices. He couldn’t count on his parents much, and when he revealed his sexual orientation, they weren’t supportive. . He didn’t really have any contact with them these days. I asked what it meant that the parents were minding their own private affairs. Was it about affairs? He then laughed and clarified that he meant work and other activities. It then occurred to me that the parents they just didn’t let Rob into their lives, and maybe he felt the same way when Connor had sex with someone else, maybe he felt left out again, neglected, and afraid of what it might end like.

Rob admitted that the whole situation actually exposed this sensitive spot, making him believe that he wasn’t enough for Connor. It all came down to the feeling from childhood that he didn’t matter to anyone. And although he did not maintain contact with his parents on a daily basis, this relationship was very clearly manifested in his relationship with Connor, arousing the fear of rejection.

Connor’s parents were completely different: they paid attention to him and his two brothers, so as a result, Connor had more self-confidence than Rob. All this information was nothing new to them, they knew about Rob’s difficult relationship with his parents. However, both admitted that it was very helpful to calmly analyze this knowledge in the context of the problem they were struggling with. Connor, in particular, could now better understand Rob’s point of view and be mindful of his feelings instead of, as he put it, seeing them as overly demanding.