After 10 years, it seems to us that the partner is already hammered out and we do not need to make an effort

What is the relationship after 8, 10, 12 years? What troubles await couples with such experience?

Most often, problems with desire arise. After so many years, we already know our partner well – both his good and bad sides. Things that we didn’t pay attention to at the beginning of our relationship or were of less importance begin to become a problem.

The partner ceases to be perceived as a sexual object because he simply annoys us. Because he either lost weight or gained weight because he is too introverted or, conversely, extroverted, or he looks terrible at home. A husband who jumps right after crossing the threshold into a stretched tracksuit and worn-out slippers is simply unattractive for his wife. She doesn’t want him. Not in this edition.

Or he was hers. Women also jump into tracksuits after work.

Yes – or he is hers. In men, there is a problem not only with desire, but also with arousal. These are two different things – which we’ve talked about before. There may be erectile dysfunction, task anxiety – fear that he will not cope. Besides, he has seen this partner so many times and knows how she will behave, he no longer feels the thrill of excitement, newness.

Often the lifestyle is also not conducive to having sex – men eat too much or too little, eat poorly, drink too much, smoke cigarettes, do not play sports. Erectile dysfunction is also the result of a robbery economy in the present day – overwork, taking on too many responsibilities, stress, lack of time and space for your own needs.

Sex with long-term couples Foot. Shutterstock

So it is important not to venture, be in good shape, be able to rest. What else?

It is important, but it is not enough. Unfortunately, after 10 years of a relationship, people lose their motivation, stop taking care of each other, and don’t want to try. It seems to them that after so many years in a relationship, the partner is hammered and you don’t have to make an effort. Routine breaks in, they push day after day, nothing happens. It is bad for sexuality.

How – from the point of view of a sexologist – relationships with a long experience differ from those with a shorter one?

There is much less intimacy in longer relationships. It is clearly visible even on the couch in my study. Couples sit further apart, do not touch, and are less likely to greet each other with a kiss before entering if they arrive separately. They often don’t kiss as part of foreplay, and it’s such a powerful aphrodisiac! Our lips are incredibly innervated, and therefore sensitive to touch. Younger couples greet each other more cordially, maintain physical contact and kiss each other. When there is a more difficult moment in the session, they touch each other, you can see gestures of support. In addition, couples with longer experience have less sense of humor, and more mutual grudges, suspicions of cheating. Sometimes they are right.

How is that?

In long-term relationships, it is easier to cheat. People then find it easier to justify their interest in other people. This is because we have less patience and we get irritated more easily, our partner irritates us. Long-term couples complain that their relationship is not romantic. It works like a well-organized company – there is a division of duties, everyone knows what to do, and if not – there are resentments. In these younger couples, I see more space, freedom, spontaneity, willingness to experiment and adventure.

Older people don’t experiment?

Over the years, they begin to be hesitant, afraid of being told by their partner that they will reject them if they signal that they need something new, such as anal sex.

They are ashamed?

Some are ashamed, others fear that they will be accused of treason – because why suddenly such a change is needed.

And when they experimented at the beginning of the relationship, and then stopped, they are also ashamed, afraid to return to a more passionate version of the relationship?

Women are usually stupid to take the initiative after years, they are afraid that they will be perceived by their partners as licentious. And men feel that when they offer their partner something bolder in bed – for example playing with a vibrator, she will say that in their old age they are crazy.

There is a fire at the beginning of a relationship, which then gradually fades out. We are able to give more of ourselves, give up something for a partner, and after 10 years we want to sacrifice less for the relationship. Everyday life takes away our desires. In addition, we appreciate the partner less. A lot of resentments and complaints accumulate in the head. Someone was supposed to take the child to classes instead of going to a meeting with friends, but forgot. He did not pick up the laundry, he did not make any purchases. It then affects sex.

There are people who fear intimacy. With a partner they know, they are afraid to experiment, and with people with whom they do not have a strong emotional relationship, they allow themselves more, because if something does not work out, you can always part and forget about it.

Sex with long-term couples Foot. Shutterstock

Are they afraid of their partner’s assessment and of living with that assessment on a daily basis?

So.

Apart from the boredom, routine and prose of life – what else destroys sex?

Much depends on how often we see the other person at a disadvantage when they look bad. One of the clients said that his partner – an overweight woman – would place a bowl of chips on her stomach while watching the movie. He was so disgusting, even disgusting, that he was unable to have sex with her afterward. He could still see a neglected woman with chips on her stomach. Another situation: a woman was unable to have sex with her husband because he wore stuffed pants and took a bath in the morning instead of in the evening before going to bed. And again a problem arises – he initiates sex, she runs away. After a while, he stops.

Can you disenchant it?

If he starts to dress better, wash, take care of himself, and she will look at him not as neglectful of himself, but as good, caring, loyal – probably yes.

And if and how does sex change the emergence of children in a long-term relationship?

When children are young, it doesn’t have much of an impact, but as they get older, parents often fear that their children will hear something, that they will be caught having sex, and therefore have less sex.

In a long-term relationship, when passion begins to burn out and spontaneous intercourse occurs less frequently, is it worth writing sex into the schedule?

It is worth planning closeness – a date, going to the cinema or restaurant together. If sex comes out of it – it’s great, if not – it’s also great because we deepen our closeness. On the other hand, sex planning creates pressure that it must be successful, that you have to rise to the occasion. This pressure can damage a relationship more than it can improve. In men, a task drug may appear: that they need to have an erection, meet the requirements, bring a woman to orgasm. In fact, women may also have this fear – will she be aroused enough, will she present herself well, or will she satisfy her partner.

Does the end of passion mean the end of the relationship?

No. Sometimes life situations require a break – for example, illness or crisis take sex by the wayside. It doesn’t mean the end of the relationship. Conversely, when sex declines for no apparent reason, betrayal, masturbation, and pornography can emerge. Sex life abhors a vacuum.

How do you know if we have a problem? What should worry us, make us act to prevent black scenarios?

The first signal is a situation in which the other person starts irritating us, e.g. it annoys us that our partner is shuffling his slippers, snoring, we start to hear his munching while eating, although he has been squeezing for years. Another – that there is silence, there is nothing to talk about, there are no points of contact, people in a relationship are passing each other. Women often accuse their partners of not showing them desire, interest, and not initiating closeness. Meanwhile, they don’t do it themselves. Many men complain about my lack of tenderness and interest. Often with tears in their eyes, because men are crying too.

We’ve noticed something isn’t working, but we don’t want to part ways. What to do at this stage?

Tell your partner what’s on your mind. It is not even necessary to talk about sex directly, it is enough to signal the lack of closeness, refer to relations from years ago. When the prose of life appears, it is not necessary to look for external stimuli, but to return to what was. It is worth asking: “Don’t you miss the time when we laughed so much, we were hugged in bed for hours, we had so much fun?” There is no resentment or offense in it, just a longing for an old relationship. This softens the message and does not put the partner in an uncomfortable situation.

What else is worth paying attention to?

You have to be alert to the signals your partner sends you. Once a patient came to me and asked for help in understanding what her husband was talking about. Because from her perspective, everything was OK – they went to sleep together, lay there for a while and talked, then she turned around and fell asleep. And he would sit on the bed, pat his knee with his hand and say, “Oh, and it’s horny …”. After he did this several times, she felt concerned because she didn’t know what he meant. What’s so fucking awesome about this situation. And he wanted to mock her that he was angry, that there was no closeness again.

What did that woman do?

She came to me to ask what her partner might be up to because she felt uncomfortable.

Sex with long-term couples Foot. Shutterstock

What did you tell her?

I said it sounded like a grudge to me – my husband expected something to happen, and it didn’t. When asked directly, he admitted that he expected closeness, and when she turns her back again, he experiences frustration.

Let us emphasize – it is worth asking your partner, talking!

Of course, because she hadn’t figured out that he meant a lack of sex and tenderness. This is a good example of the fact that when one of the people in a relationship feels insecure and is afraid to ask what’s going on, he is afraid of the worst – and it turns out that the devil is not as scary as he is painted.

What to do in this situation? Of course, you can go to a psychotherapist and he will help you solve this issue. But I guess at this stage people are able to cope on their own?

This is what happens when people don’t date, take time, don’t talk. Then they cannot read their partner’s gestures. Therefore, it is really good to find time for us as a couple, which is to set a day for partnership once a week. For seduction, flirting, listening, and letting the other person know that they’re important and appealing.

Andrzej Gryżewski – sexologist, cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist (CBT), psychologist, certified sex educator. The author of the best-selling “The Art of Penis Handling”, the books “Like a guy with a guy, talks about sexuality and gay relationships”, “Macho, manual” and a new one written with Katarzyna Miller – “To be a couple and not to go crazy”. Founder of the CBT Sexual Psychotherapy Cabinet.

Joanna Germak. After 20 years in the media, she decided to work in a completely different industry. She does not miss content, but she lacks journalism, which is why she collaborates as an author of texts and interviews. Professionally, he likes to do things that make sense.