Brian and Alison are a couple and haven’t had sex in twenty years. It doesn’t bother him or her. The only thing that worries them is that they don’t have a problem with it, because the term “white marriage” commonly has clearly negative connotations. It’s easy to get caught up in the fear that a relationship without sex is either broken or about to break down – even if the people involved are happy with the current state of affairs. The assumption is that they just haven’t realized that something is wrong yet. Brian and Alison, the protagonists of a report published in the British daily “The Guardian”, may keep their white marriage a secret from those around them, but the associations associated with this term still bother them. (Their names have been changed).
The couple found themselves questioning their own experiences and sense of happiness. They joined a support group for celibate couples. “What worries me is that I don’t want to do anything more than kiss and cuddle, and even when we were having sex and things were going well, I realized that most people wouldn’t use that word in that context,” Alison told reporters from “The Guardian”. – But I don’t want others to find out, because the whole world attaches great importance to sex. I know that I don’t have to explain my marriage to anyone, but I feel something like a compulsion to explain it to myself.
‘ASY. What asexuality can teach us Press materials
Mismatches are inevitable
More often than not we hear about celibate couples in which people have sex with each other, but they do it less often than either partner would like. As frustrating as it is, mismatch is inevitable – the only question is to what extent the partners fail to meet expectations and how long this state of affairs persists. According to the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (NATSAL), a large-scale survey carried out every decade in the UK, of people who had been in a relationship in the year before the survey, around a quarter of respondents reported that their level libido was different from the libido of the partner. Mismatch should be treated as something natural, and not the fault or mistake of one of the people in the relationship. Advice published in books and magazines may give the impression that we shouldn’t settle for anything less than a great sex life, but in the long run it’s worth realizing how common the experience of mediocre sex life is, rather than viewing it as an abject failure.
Sex writer Lux Alptraum, author of Faking It. The Lies Women Tell about Sex – and the Truths They Reveal [Udawanie. Kłamstwa kobiet o seksie i prawdy, które te kłamstwa odsłaniają] she recalls how her friend from college got engaged and insisted that she had never had as good sex with anyone as she had with her fiancé. There was no other option, she explained, because she would never agree to marry someone who offered her sex that was mediocre at best.
– It stuck in my mind and I started wondering what it even means to have “the best sex” with someone – says Alptraum. – What does sex mean and will the “best sex” be the most exciting or maybe the most tender and comfortable? You begin to realize that your life partner has to meet many different conditions and sex does not have to be the most important thing.
Rarely do we have the perfect combination of sexual chemistry and relationship quality (or, to put it another way, we rarely manage to maintain this state of affairs in the long run), and the people with whom Alptraum felt best suited in bed were not necessarily suitable for such a relationship, what she cared about. – For me, there is a certain minimum of pleasure, but beyond that there are many other qualities that can make you want to be in a relationship with someone – he explains.
It does not have to mean an automatic breakdown of the relationship
Sexual mismatch is a challenge. Like many other aspects of relationships. Each of them is vulnerable to failure for a variety of reasons – they may include recurring arguments about a shared budget, raising children, or caring for aging parents – and yet, for some reason, sexual problems often seem more serious than others. Unsatisfying sex can be a reason for a breakup, but it doesn’t have to mean an automatic breakdown of the relationship – certainly not any more than any other important issue. An asexual woman who had been in a relationship with her partner for years told me simply: “Sex is a problem for us.
They often argue about him, as well as about various other things. Despite this, they believe that it is worth being together. The idea that you can accept bad sex or accept that it is a constant source of tension if the other aspects of the relationship make it worth it proves liberating for the allo-asexual couples in my life. Sometimes it’s a relief when you can decide that a shared passion for climbing or a similar sense of humor is more important than sexual compatibility. Making such a decision does not necessarily mean that we accept defeat. It may be a manifestation of a practical and affirming approach to life, an expression of wisdom, the ability to think critically and well-established values.
Source: Gazeta
Bruce is a talented author and journalist with a passion for entertainment . He currently works as a writer at the 247 News Agency, where he has established himself as a respected voice in the industry.
