Stories about intimate matters are taboo and should have absolutely no place in conversations with the new partner.
At an older age, it becomes clearer and clearer: the few are the ones who start a new relationship without having previously had several or more exes. But is it a good idea to talk about them or them? Couples therapists They recommend not doing it, in any case, during the first appointment.
Because when relationships break, often what remains is anger, disappointment, or grief. These are feelings that some people would like to discuss with everyone. With friends and family he must do it, to close the past.
But, in case a new person appears in the love life, then Relating these stories about exes can well become irritating.
To some extent it is advisable to talk about past relationships, says Dorothea Behrmann, German coach in separations: “Because it is part of a person how their love life developed previously.”
Behrmann explains that you want to get to know the other and are usually curious about how long their previous relationships lasted on average. There you can somehow have clues about how this new person weaves their relationships.
During these conversations, the other party should try to suppress jealousy or rivalry Let them come up and respect that previous relationships were important too.
The German sexologist and couples therapist Filomena Lorenz recommends however be careful with these issues on a first date.
The age of the two people who know each other is also at stake there. Because it is not the same that they are young people who attend their first date than older people, who perhaps have already separated and have children, which should be made clear to the other or the other.
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German couples therapist Thomas Krüger even thinks that It is useful to provide data on previous love life. And, even more so, when the other person wants to know about it. However, he clarifies: “Putting the focus on stories related to the ex-partner in the first meeting is possibly very irritating.”
Lorenz recommends making a plan before the first date: “What do I want to reveal about myself? I would not tell the whole story of my life. And in no way compare the two people to each other! “
Behrmann, for his part, would be sensitive and reserved when it comes to stories related to the ex-partner. However, he clarifies: “In my opinion, It is well worth being sincere and authentic from the beginning ”.
Therefore, Should the new partner know why the old relationship didn’t work out, to be able to assess whether that would also have been a valid reason for separation for him or her?
“That may be of interest to the new couple and the issue will come out very naturally,” says Behrmann. However, you have to see if you want this yourself.
“If that is the case, you can open up little by little and count,” says Krüger. Also when the new partner starts talking about it, it is best to react in a relaxed way.
“Because he is entrusting me with something about his life and the ideal is to be interested and curious, because I want to know the other better,” says Krüger.
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This type of information from the mouth of the new partner even means trust, Behrmann notes: “Openness and authenticity from the beginning are a good foundation for a trusting relationship.”
However, it makes it clear that care must be taken with details and long stories about the previous relationship, because this can hurt the current partner.
In any case, you should always have the ability to say when these stories are enough. This includes the listener paying attention to how you are feeling at the moment. And you can also say, for example: “Now I don’t want to talk about your exes anymore.”
“I would then address in a very concrete way that the conversations are too many, they hurt me or they awaken me the feeling that the old relationship still occupies too much of a place,” says Behrmann.
In this case, I would ask what may continue to bother the partner. In this way, you could find out what is the reason for the conversations about exes.
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Para Kruger, A relationship is enriching when you reflectively talk about the past. “When my partner tells of a person with whom he had a social relationship in the past, it is valuable that he looks at this person with affection.” After all, the partner who is now by my side also spent time with that person in their life.
What yes, the ear will have to be pricked up when respect is absent. “When someone insults, resentment and hatred are still at stake, and that is a sure sign that the old relationship is not closed or elaborate,” Behrmann analyzes.
Therefore, this expert recommends speak in a rather neutral way about ex: “Outbursts or comparisons do not favor a new and still precocious love”.
And at this point all the specialists agree: Stories about intimate issues, emotions or eroticism are taboo and should have absolutely no place in conversations with the new partner. (I)
Paul is a talented author and journalist with a passion for entertainment and general news. He currently works as a writer at the 247 News Agency, where he has established herself as a respected voice in the industry.
