From time to time we are shaken by dramatic reports of crimes committed against defenseless charges of nursing homes. What is really going on behind the doors of these places? Are our elderly relatives safe there? And we can trust that they get professional help and support that we cannot or cannot give them ourselves? These infamous institutions closely guard the truth, knowing that their residents are often too weak and infirm to stand up for themselves. But someone managed to collect real information. Magda Jaros, the longtime head of the reportage department of the “Twój Styl” magazine, reveals what she saw in several Polish nursing homes. Below we publish a fragment of the book “I will give my mother to good hands”, in which the author talks to a well-known psychotherapist Katarzyna Miller.
KATARZYNA MILLER, psychotherapist, writer:
“I knew Mom wouldn’t live with me, so when she was no longer on her own, I found her a nursing home. The nine years she spent there were the worst time of my life. When she left, I felt relieved – says Katarzyna Miller, psychologist, psychotherapist, columnist, author of best-selling books, poet and singer, who has just recorded her second album “Girls Want More”.
Do parents have the right to expect their children to take care of them in their old age? Do they owe us something?
In my opinion, yes. It is worth emphasizing, however, that when parents stop coping, they need to be helped in a way that is possible for the child and does not completely change his life, but still gives support. For example, you can hire someone and pay them. If we cannot afford it, it is worth organizing a help network among friends and family. And when the moment comes that this is not enough, when the parents cannot live on their own, they need to find a decent nursing home.
You make no secret of the fact that your mother lived in such a place.
I see no reason to hide it. But why? I saved my mother from death. At the last moment, I called an ambulance, she was taken to the intensive care unit, she recovered. Then she said many times: “What did she do that for?”. She was tired, and I was with her. It was clear to me and I had no doubt that I would not be taking care of her in my old age, living in one apartment. I ran away from her as fast as I could. After graduating from high school, I went to Warsaw. I knew I wouldn’t take my mom with me. I found her state house in Lodz.
Why did you choose this house? What were the arguments for it?
I searched for a long time, finally found a good home through acquaintances. It was clean, the house was of a high standard and was run by smart women. First, my mother walked, she had a single room, she was independent. It amused me and I liked that she painted her lips every time she left the room. She was always feminine and well-groomed. She flirted and even had a “fiancé”. After that, she didn’t get out of bed anymore.
Has she lived there long?
Nine years. Worst time of my life. I felt her dying, torment, anguish. But she continued to argue with other residents, she had a grudge. To me too. As soon as I walked in, I heard unkind words. Even though I knew I would hear them, I was always sad. I put a lot of effort into these visits. I tried to cheer her up, but it didn’t work.
Magda Jaros, author of the book ‘I will give my mother to good hands’ mat. press releases of Harde Publishing
Can you tell me?
I went with a friend who knew my mother and liked it. I remember that at the entrance I heard: “A terrible thing has happened, someone stole my watch, it was here in a drawer”. I was like, “I’ll go quickly, buy a new one.” “No, I don’t want to, oh God, someone robbed me…”. I say: “Mom, don’t worry, I’ll buy a beautiful watch, I’ll run to the store in a moment.” She: “I don’t want to. Oh God, someone took it. Must be the woman in the other room, you know who…”. We leave, and a friend who is not a psychologist says: “As a therapist, you would be able to handle strangers, and you have no approach to your mother.” “I comforted her, after all,” I replied to him. And he said, “You weren’t listening to her at all. You say you’re going to go to the store – how many years has she been out of the store? She doesn’t care what goes on outside this room and the house. Don’t explain how you’ll solve the problem, just care tragedy. She lives it, and you ignore it.”
How it changed me! Then I would go to my mother’s and when I heard: “My cream is gone!” I would ask: “Are you nervous?”. Mom: “Well, yes! Well, because I had it here and I don’t have it!”. Me: “Shall we look?” She: “But I was looking for it and I don’t have it.” Me: “Mom, I’m sorry, I feel for you, maybe we’ll look at a few more places. If not, I’ll bring a new cream or hide a spare somewhere.” And that made a change.
You knocked the gun out of her hand.
This is an anti-game, a good rule in different situations. Of course, when you can afford it and remember that you have other options besides saying, “Don’t cry, don’t worry,” or getting angry.
Mom approved the move?
She didn’t want to be with me either. She once told her younger sister, who died first, that the two of them would live in a nursing home and that it was the only solution. Not that my mother and I were at each other’s throats, but there was constant tension between us, we didn’t feel well together. So she wanted to move, she just liked to complain about everything. Once her older brother came and said: “What a nice place, how I would like to be sure that I will live in such a old age.” She asked, “Would you like to?” “Of course”. Uncle was very cheerful. My mother had a different outlook on life. She was often dissatisfied. I had no doubt that if I took her home, my life would cease to exist.
Did you have any remorse?
NO. When I make a decision, I know what I’m doing and why. Only this is me – a psychotherapist with many years of experience. Most people are guided by stereotypical thinking and guilt. We are burdened by a myth: Poland is a family, we all love each other. Of course there are wonderful families. Congratulations and envy. But do you know when patients come to me in their most mentally disturbed state? After Christmas, because of the family. Daddy insulted them, Mummy frowned, Auntie said nasty things. People expect their parents to be loved, understood, appreciated and recognized. They often don’t, so they don’t like each other. And yet they are overwhelmed by the responsibility, the thought that they should take care of their parents in old age.
The lady had no doubts about what to do, but I wonder how the environment reacted. Have you faced criticism?
Mom was not family. But she had a lot of friends and acquaintances, and they approved of the situation and visited her in a nursing home. Only one friend asked: “How could you – then this sentence was said – give your mother to an old people’s home”? I said, “Do you love her?” “Yes!”. “Then take her with you.” And she closed.
Did you take care of your mother, did you visit her?
I used to visit once a month. I couldn’t, nor did I want to. I’ll tell you what helped me free myself from the psychological need to visit, although it hurt at the same time. I visited my mother every Christmas Eve, giving up my own plans.
I think I spent the last twenty “last” Christmas Eve with her. Even when she wasn’t living in a nursing home, she kept threatening me that she was going to die. After another Christmas Eve – already in a nursing home – I came in January and heard: “Even on Christmas you were not with me”. I replied: “How was I not? There was uncle, Misiek, there was Fredka and of course me.” To which my mother said: “Indeed, they visited me, you too?”. Then I thought I wouldn’t do that anymore. And I gave up the last three years. I think that’s when my mother died for me. I gave her a lot of things that were difficult for me, but that meeting after Christmas relieved me of my duties. It finally dawned on me that I didn’t matter to her. It was an important moment in my therapy, I let go of the remnants of the illusion. I’m talking about helping the many daughters who are still waiting for their mother to recognize them. Such a sad truth is liberating.
The cover of the e-book ‘I will give my mother to good hands’ mat. Hard Publishing
Source: Gazeta
Bruce is a talented author and journalist with a passion for entertainment . He currently works as a writer at the 247 News Agency, where he has established himself as a respected voice in the industry.
